i feel like such an ass. relationship 101

ok, this is part confession, part request for advice. but even moreso its a rant that i need to get out cus its been festering in me and driving me nuts

im 20 and iv never really been in a serious relationship, and by serious i mean long lasting where you care about the other person and they care about you. iv had a few flings, where the girl was the aggressor and it was more of a physical thing. i have never 'approached" a girl, as you say. maybe its a lack of self esteem. i dont know. i just rely on them coming to me, and when they do, they are usually terrible human beings who i cannot stand, yet continue to "be with" because im horny as hell. and i dont have the heart to turn people down in general

so before i tell you about what happened last night, lemme tell you what happened about six months ago that had a big impact on me. this girl who i respected a lot seemed into me, and i might have led her on a bit. i sort of liked her, but not that much. we made out for a minute or so, then i stuck my hand in a suggestive way and WHAM. accused me of trying to use her. bitched me out and cried for TWO HOURS in my dorm room and made me feel like the worst human to ever live. now, i dont know how much at failt i actually was, but i felt like i deserved the death penalty and was a little tramatized by the experience. the lesson i learned: dont even think about using girls!

last night i was at my friends house, we were sitting around and drinking, watching movies etc. some of the people there id never met before. there was only one girl who was in my age range, she was 18 and goes to school maybe 2-3 hours from me. she was pretty hot, but i took an immediate dislike to her. she said some things that seemed really immature, she was boasting a lot, talking about how she makes fun of stoners, a whole lot of stuff that was just, well, stupid. but after a time, i realized she was hitting on me. i have no self control! it was like there was a demon on both sholders, the angel was missing. the angel is never there! anyway, we dissapeared for an hour and just made out the whole time and it was really cool. she didnt tell me her intentions exactly, but it seemed as if she wanted a relationship. i dont know for sure. despite the shit she said which turned me off, i kind liked her a bit. but im just real scared of leading her on. we exchanged info and that was that.

basically, i have no idea how relationships are supposed to start out, be maintained, etc. im clueless in this subject. and i dont know how to tell if i a girl wants a serious relationship or if they just wanna fool around. my biggest fear is digging myself into the hole that inevitably results from leading on a girl who wanted something more than that.

and ideas of how to handle this?

cheers

 

beer + kissing + stranger = nothing

 

i have to agree with the above comment ^^^

there is no right or wrong answer to your question. the best way to start a relationship is really to just keep living your life and someone will come along who you really like for WHO she is. hooking up with a girl at a party and getting her digits when you find her demeanor and personality deplorable is not a way to start a relationship. it has to FEEL right from the beginning. when does it feel right? you will KNOW. that's the only way to tell. we humans have instincts. when you FEEL right about pursuing something with someone, you will KNOW. and if it is right, the other person will be receptive and will be sending signals to you.

you don't know this girl just because you made out with her. you guys might have good sexual chemistry and having just a physical relationship might not be harmful, but don't ever commit yourself emotionally to someone who's personality you don't like/want to change. it won't change and it will only drain you and make you feel disappointed.

 

I think that in a lot of relationships, if you go slower at the start, it's better later on. If you can have at least a couple of dates with just the two of you, without having to jump one another, it means that you can at least stand the other person's personality, right? Not saying you can't do anything, but if you just kiss on the first date or two, make out the next time, shirts off the n ext time... stretch it out and learn to appreciate the person for who they are, not their libido.