I'm getting married in may (the 21st to be exact ) but there's a lot i need to get off my chest. thankfully my love doesnt even know this site exists! see I have trouble telling him things... I'm bipolor and all screwed up inside sometimes. He knows that i've cut/scratched myself before b/c sometimes that's the only way i can feel better. (and please if you're going to tell me it's worng and there's other ways... give me other ways!) See my whole life i've been taught by ppl's reactions to hide my "negitive" feelings. l've come to realize at a young age i was depressed/bipolor, but my parents didn't and put me in anger management. (where you learn to hide your feelings) I know i need to stop cutting and hurting my self... infact he(my fiance y mi amado) doesn't know about the 3 newest ones.-I'm up to 3 in one sitting- one on my right calf, one on my right thigh and one on my left breast. Nobody but him and one other person knows. She's closer to me than my real sister(I love you caisey! ). A lot times it comes from whe I've screwed up or we've been fighting. I've gotten good at hidding or explaining them away "oh that, that's from the cat.' It's enough to scar for couple years but not enough to sput fountains of blood. I have so many mental issues, but I'm afraid to get help b/c of the stigma attached. I know it hurts him so very much when I tell him but hurts him more when I don't tell him. And his reactions can be 50/50 depending on his stress level (working damn near full time while going to school full time and doing an honors thesis) he's a wokaholic and it bothers me but i can't bring myself to day it. I put him ahead of myself and he's angery that I do so. I knowI have to learn to communicate better with him but i'm so scared. It terrifies me. And I know he hasn't had an esy life either, while his parents were deal with older bor's depression he got forgoten and they almost didn't catch his depression (and troy blamed him at the time for his depression while he was commited). I'm partly scared to talk about my problems b/c I'm terrified of being locked away. I watched that happen to my sister. i'm a wuss for being so scared, and i hate myself for it. I can't bring myself to commit suicide b/c i tried once about 4 years and failed and it scared me shitless ( I swear to God i felt a "presence' for lack of better word watching me). I also worry about when we're out on our own, b/c i take antidepressants that I can afford b/c I'm still on my 'rent's insurance. I did admit to him that when we took the "focus" test (it's a scantron sheet questionare about communicationa nd stuff we had to do for the church so they'll marry us... man the hoops i've jumped through) that I lied on most of it. I didn't want he priest to judge me... and I'm scared of Chris judging me, even though i know he won't. I try so desperatily hard not ot burden him. It;s affected my sex drive, Ihaven't been able to organism (on my own, sex oral anything!) in months. I can't tell him that durning sex all I worry about is pleasing him to exclusion of myself. that's what I do take care of people only in his case i use him as a sheild. he actually went do on me about a week ago and normaly that's enough to drive me crazy but it didn't realy do anything. I feel like sometimes I'm going through the motions of life. but not actually living. I wish I was stronger for him an better person. I love chris so much but I feel like I'm gonna screw up and losehim.
You need to be completely honest with him and hide nothing at all. You have to tell him everything you just posted, cause if you dont you are hiding so much of yourself and thats not fair to either one of you..
wow. you sound like I did, and would now if I hadn't have gotten my shit straight. I'm sorry to tell you there is no other way to deal with your problems that's going to feel better than cutting. You need to know this. It feels great, and it works, and it's going to be an addiction you will have to fight for months or even years. I am cut-free for a long time now (getting close to a year?) and every big stressful fight, that thought pops into my head. Don't let anyone tell you writing in a journal, or taking a walk, or some bullshit like that is going to replace cutting because it won't. It will feel like a cheap imitation. Not that those things aren't good, just don't be surprised when writing furiously doesn't releive any of those feelings inside that are so strong they physically hurt. Here's something I suggest. Ready? Get off the antidepressants and get on with your life. I have been through hell and I wallowed in my misery and pitied myself for so long. Was I messed up and depressed? Absolutely. Did medicating me help? Not one bit. It numbs the pain for a while so things don't get to you like they normally would, but as soon as you try and wean yourself off of them, reality sets in and you have no clue how to handle all the anger inside you. You don't need classes, you don't need pills, you don't need to be locked up. you need to be strong and say "ok I'm done with that part of my life. I'm starting a new one and this is how it's going to be. you set your own standards. Set them reasonably. Don't set yourself up for failure. Go one week without cutting no matter how bad you want to. It will be hard. you will kick and scream and basically throw a temper tantrum. Before you do all of this, you need to get real with your man. I urge you, do NOT go through with this marriage until somethings are resolved. You will lose him if you continue this life style and hide it from him. You need to tell him everything and have him there beside you to hold your hand through all the rough parts. If you try and do this alone, while trying to balance your life with another person, you will fail. Do not hide or lie anymore. you are adding on to your problems each day you do this. You can not take me seriously and keep depending on the meds and some doctors, but how far has THAT gotten you? Obviously what you are doing isn't working. You need a plan and a support group. I would be happy to write you each and every day to see ho you are doing and inspire you. Trust me, I've had it bad. I had and still have every reason to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I struggle every day. But I can't allow myself to keep it up. I wasn't happy with the results from medication and couseling, so I found the answer I had been desperately looking for. YOU NEED TO DO THIS YOURSELF. no amount of counseling or pills or anything will ever solve your problems if you don't stand up and say "I'm not doing this anymore" Like I said, I would be happy to help, but you must take the first step. Are you worried about what your man might say? You might be surprised. You also need to start thinking of YOU first and foremost. you need a lot of work and until you do that work, nothing will change. You said you man hates it when you put him over you? But you are so afraid of losing him you automatically think if his needs over yours? Can you see the problem here? You are doing somehting out of fear of losing him, that is pushing him away even more. Bring him back. Tell him you love yourself and you need to do a lot to work on some personal problems and it's important. respect yourself. Trust me, it's a lot more sexy than a passive person who gives in all the time. I know this was long, but I have the answers and they are so simple it sounds too good to be true. It's really fucking hard, let me tell you, but it works and that's my point.
Well, I will be bad and wait till my sinus infection is gone before I talk to him (sorry but, when I'm sick, man, am I sick.... I miss being able to smell and hear out of both ears... ahhh spring is great). But it would be nice to have someone to talk to .... And you're defiently right about the journal bullshit.... that has never worked, in fact if anything it seemed to maganify my feelings. I can't instantly stop the meds... I may still need them for a while. (via bloods we have determined that I have a true chem inbalance). I know one of the hardest things will be dealing w/family (especialy my sister.... a lot of resentment there I won't go into right now. But basicly for now I'm cralwing off to bed (class at 930 and I have a test).
take care and get yourself in a good position to start over. Forget about your sister. If she can't accept that you need to worry abou tyou for a while, screw her. you are old enough to be your own person and I urge you to act that way. Do what makes YOU feel good for once.
