Your daily joke thread!

There's a law in town that says the barber must trim everyone's beard who doesn't trim their own. Question: So does he trim his own beard? What if he doesn't? Think about it.

 

"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.”

"The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb."

"Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe."

"Do unto others, then run!"

“I have a wild bunch of coconuts.”

“Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.”

"I'm not against half naked girls—not as often as I'd like to be.”

Benny Hill, 1924-1992.

 

You're repeating yourself .

 

Never ever look at a picture of noted Austrian molecular biologist Dr. Sterneck when you're driving. She is an researching the functions of the CEBP/CEBPD transcription factor as tumor suppressor, as well as tumor promoter in breast epithelial cells and cells of the tumor microenvironment. But her first name is Está. And when you siesta you sleep.

 

No, saying you're not funny and saying you make no sense are two different things. In the future please be certain that your "jokes" have a punchline and are funny.

 

These jokes didn't have punchlines:

• "If 'Twitter' is now called 'X', are 'tweets' now called 'Xcretions'?" (Piobaire)

• "That reminded me of the day when our son was about 5 and while rushing around the shop after collecting him from the nursery, Jane asked him to fetch some cream.
He came back all excited, telling her that he had found some Irish cream. When Jane laughed and told him that we don't import fresh cream from Ireland, he said,
"I read the label and it said "Extra Thick".
Needless to say, Jane was not amused, particularly when she saw me laughing.
I still remember my old theater manager saying..... "If you want a REAL laugh, just watch the audience".
All these years later, I understand what he meant." (Wilsjane)

• If you're NOT a dad but tell a dad joke, you're a faux pas. (hotwater)

• Well, there's really no way to put this delicately. A Florida driver distracted by receiving intimate services from his passenger lost track of his surroundings and crashed head-on (it only gets worse from here, folks) into a FedEx delivery vehicle in Ft. Lauderdale on Thursday, resulting in "injuries to his private area," WPLG Local 10 reports. (hotwater)

And plus since when do joke have to have punchlines? Or make sense even?

 

Without a punchline they're not jokes. They don't have to make sense but they do have to be funny.

 

Right now in prison someone's @nus is being traded for a Little Debbie snack cake. So no being stuck in your house is NOT just like being in prison.

 

If a mime falls in a forest does he make a sound? What if he's in one of those invisible boxes?

 

Neighbors complained about my loud groaning during sex.
Actually, I'm just trying to put on my socks.

 

If you mix honey and cinnamon and eat it it will lower your blood pressure. According to the India Times. Did you know that? So eat lots of cinnamon waffles with plenty of honey. Drinking lots of wine, lots of it, will help your heart. And chocolate is good for your teeth. Did you know that (according to the Hershey company)?

 

Our pet Polar Bear recently died after a courageous battle with cancer. And he meant so much to us, we made him into a bear rug. We are still broken up. So in his honor, could you please play "Walkin On Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves?

—The Dick Purtan Show, WOMC/Detroit, c. 1985.

 

When Marie Antoinette, disgraced Austrian-French queen, was lead to the gallows October 16, 1793, the French peasants were pretty disgusted with her. They blamed her, her alone, for everything. And, they threw their feces at her.

But like I asked my mother once. When they did this. Did they bring it with them? Or did they bring-it-with-them? (Notice the hyphens in that last sentence.)

 

Not that it matters. But supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in Ireland means you want the full package with your prostitute. But Disney and kids thought the song was innocent. And that's all that matters .

 

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!!!! Rodney Dangerfield.

 

and still, no respect ...No respect at all.

 

One of my favourites was a condom ad, about the pack quantities

Our 2 pack, for the first year student.
One for Friday and one for Saturday night.

Next we have the 3 pack.
With an extra one for Sunday morning.

For the mature family man, we also have the 12 pack.
One for January......One for February......One for March..........................................................

 

The "Men in Black" Chicken Joke in it's entirety:

One fine day, a man is strolling through an open-air market place. He stops at one of the live animal stalls and buys a chicken thinking that he will take it home, wring its neck, clean it and make a nice chicken dinner.
On his way home he passes a theater that is showing a movie that he has been wanting to see and he decides to go in.

But when the woman at the box office sees the chicken she tells him, "Sir, animals are not allowed in the theater. You'll have to come back some other time."
Well, now, this guy really wants to see the movie so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken down his pants then returns to the theater and buys his ticket.

After he has taken a seat and the movie starts, the chicken starts to get restless, so the man unzips his pants to let the chicken get some air.
The woman sitting next to him leans over to her husband and whispers, “Honey, the man next to me has his pants open!" Her husband tells her,

"Just ignore him!" but she replies "But Honey! His penis is sticking out!" Again her husband says, "Ignore it! You've seen one before!" to which she says
"But Honey!, This one's eating my popcorn!"