zengizmo's drunken rants

My blog audience seems to be dwindling...except for a few particular blogs. And I hafta say: I particularly like those blogs also.

I said in my very first blog entry that this blog was mostly for myself...to learn better who I am. And that maybe some other folks would find some entertainment, at least...possibly some insight.

I have a distant relative...well, "had" a distant relative. He is long dead. His name was Thorstein Veblen. He was a controversial figure in socio-economic theory in the early 20th century.

He wrote a scholarly treatise entitled, "The Theory of the Leisure Class," which became a popular book among the reading public in the 1920s.

He coined the term, "Conspicuous consumption," which has become somewhat of a lesser meme in our society.

He used to teach classes in economic theory in various university classrooms. Because of his reputation at the time, his classes always attracted a LOT of students. By the end of each class term, however, his student attendance tended to dwindle down to a precious few...



That's it. That's all I wanted to say tonight. I have a bit more wine to sip tonight, and then I need to sleep. I need to go into my office in Boston tomorrow to make a few more enhancements to the software I'm working on.

So if you are still following my shit:

Everything Deanna has done in my life has led me inexorably to posting my innermost thoughts in public in my HipForums blogs. I used to do my blogging to Deanna only, in MySpace PMs and then in facebook PMs. Now I publish my blogs publicly on HipForums...and occasionally on my facebook timeline, still. I can see what Deanna has done to me over the years that has led me to this public exhibitionism...and now I'm beginning to see where she was going when she gave me a copy of a book called The Prayer of Jabez for Christmas in 2002.

The author of that book told his readers that if they prayed this prayer for 30 days, their lives would show significant change. Deanna gave me this book almost 14 years ago, and I am still learning more about this pathway. I would tend to to say that the author of that book was not totally honest with himself or with his readers...still, he was onto something. It is just that he fell into a spiritual trap...well, maybe actually more like an Earthly, material trap.

So I will just tell you this: It MIGHT take longer than 30 days for your life to change. Sorry if this news pisses you off...

God created instantaneous changes in the Apostles on the day of Pentecost, of course. However in general, God tends to take a slower road for most of the rest of us.

I have a HipForums friend who says that enlightenment can be instantaneous - and apparently WAS, for him. I argue with him that the slow road has more to offer in terms of overall richness of experience.

Cuz: Why live a life, if not to experience stories???

Where is the story in instantaneous enlightenment? That is one story, over and done. The slow road offers the possibility of endless stories...

Tonight I had my 17-year-old daughter Melissa over to my apartment for dinner and a movie.

The dinner was Fettucine Alfredo with green salad.

The movie was The Game, directed by David Fincher.

Melissa drank orange juice. I drank Barefoot Pinot Grigio.

Cuz that is just the kinda guy I am, as you know.

In the olden days, during my marriage to my second ex-wife Patricia, I would have been treated like subhuman scum for daring to imbibe alcoholic beverages in the presence of my children.

Nowadays, we are divorced, so it is WAY HARDER for Patricia to make me pay for doing shit she disapproves of. And my youngest kid Melissa is old enough to decide for herself what she is willing to endure from either of her parents.

And: Melissa has no problem with me drinking wine in her presence. Cuz she got some of my genes for sanity that her mom did not donate from her OWN bloodline.

Some of you might doubt my claim to sanity genes...so all's I can say to that is: Thank God I am not married to YOU!

Wait...what was I talking about? Oh, yeah...The Game.

Well, hell, it is ALL games, innit?

The thing is, I show ALL my kids this movie when they turn 17.

Oh, yeah, btw: I have seven kids. Three are stepkids from my ex-wife's first marriage, and four are kids she and I made together. Via the usual, traditional, low-tech method.

But, yeah, you want to know why I make a point of showing all my kids this movie, right?

So...the reason is: This movie closely reflects what I perceive to be my own spiritual pathway. And so I use this movie as a vehicle to try to explain myself better to my kids.

So after viewing this movie with Daughter Melissa, I launched into a semi-drunken exposition of my thoughts on the relationship of the movie to my personal spiritual path.

Melissa caught on quite quickly, and saw the parallels I was drawing very easily. She even offered some of her own thoughts about how the way my spirit guide Deanna won my confidence was very similar to the way the character Christine in the movie won the confidence of the main character, Nicholas Van Orton...only for the purpose of fucking with his head even more.

Is it dismissive of me to equate life to a game?

It is just that...the farther down this spiritual path I go, the less serious all of life appears...until I finally conclude: Yeah. It really is a kind of game.

You might think: "But, NO! Life has serious consequences that can cut us to the very core of our being!!!"

And, yeah, part of me agrees very strongly. And another part of me - the part that is growing - thinks: Emotions like that are an illusion. They are just chemical reactions in our bodies.

Years ago...in the year 2003...I told Deanna in an email that I loved her. She responded via email, "What is love?"

That reply was major disconcerting to me at the time. However over the ensuing years, I think I have come to know what the answer to her question is. And I am ready to share that answer with all of you, right now on Hip Forums.

Are you ready to know what love truly is?

Okay then - brace yourselves, cuz the truth might shock you: It is just chemicals. That is correct: Love is chemical reactions in our physical bodies.

"You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."

That's a Bible verse. I don't remember which one...Google is your friend.

Deanna is laughing her ass off in my mind right now...

You might want to know how I learned this fundamental truth. I will not keep this a secret from you, cuz I know only too well that inquiring minds want to KNOW. And I want to help.

I learned this truth as a result of Deanna playing games with me for many, many years.

And I'm grateful to her.

If you think that romantic love is somehow sacred, then you are prolly pissed as hell at me right now. AND at Deanna.

If so, that is not a problem for me. If you want to hold onto your illusions, then feel free! I don't give a flying fuck! If your illusions bring you comfort that you cannot part with, then by all means, live in a world of illusion.

Each of us needs to play our OWN games in life...for whatever spiritual purpose. I asked the universe to show me more truth. And the universe did as I asked. Maybe YOU want the universe to bring you happiness, no matter what the cost in loss of truth. I am not here to judge you. You need to do what you need to do. I am merely relating my own experience, which you may file away or toss down the oubliette - as you wish.

However you MIGHT want to remember that whatever view you choose to make your reality is part of your personal game.

Are you winning?

Wow, that is a pretty promising blog title, innit? I wonder if I can manage to do justice to it in the actual blog text!

Right. I might need more wine for this...be back in a few...

So, duly fortified by psychotropic substances, let us see what I can do!

How fucked-up do you need to get before you change?

Whoa...now THAT is a bit flogging-like, innit? Where do I go from here and still keep my audience?

I have often considered routes of escape. I have researched some extensively. Being as how I am educated in biochemistry, the idea of poisoning tended to appeal to me.

The thing is, to have an in-depth understanding of poisoning, you need to grasp a concept called the LD50.

LD is an abbreviation for "Lethal Dose." The number 50 designates a percentage. So in other words, the LD50 of any particular substance is the dose that kills 50% of the test subjects.

The LD50 of MANY substances is readily available via Google search.

The other thing you need to realize is: In the vast majority of cases, the "test subjects" were rats.

I mean, wtf did you think: They were going to determine this number based on human poisoning tests? Maybe in Nazi Germany, but not here, not now, not in the uber-humane world of Modern Civilization!

So another thing you need to realize is: Rats are tough motherfuckers.

I mean, right? They LIVE in, like, sewers and shit!!! Could YOU live in a sewer?

If you could, then maybe the LD50 that applies to rats might not be much different when applied to you. So, maybe that is not so hard, then.

For the rest of us who are accustomed to relatively clean environments with indoor plumbing and laundered sheets and cleaning solutions out the wazoo: Maybe comparison with rats is not quite so relevant.

It MIGHT not take as much to kill you as it would take to kill a rat. I mean, on a grams-of-poison-per-kg-of-body-weight basis, see.

Anyway, lots of folks think that if they just swallowed, say, a whole bottle of Tylenol or Advil, it would swiftly whisk them to the Lands of the No-Longer-Living. So: You should check out the LD50 doses for those medications, and get a glimpse of reality.

I'll spare you the calculation details, but the LD50 for Tylenol is a bit over 47x500 mg tablets. Well this is based on studies with mice, actually, not rats. Mice might not be quite as tough as rats. So you need to ask yourself: Do you have a stronger constitution than a mouse? They may be small, but they are tough little fuckers. I know...I used to deal with mice in a laboratory setting, and I can tell you from first-hand experience: They may be small, but they are fighters! One time a mouse turned its head and bit me good and HARD while I was trying to get a good grasp on its head for...well, I won't go into details of what I was intending to do with that mouse, cuz it isn't a nice subject for polite conversation. The fact is, tho, that even MICE might be constitutionally tougher than you. But: Who can say for sure?

And also, remember: the equivalent of 47 tablets of Tylenol only killed 50% of mice! The other 50% survived! And if you DID survive Tylenol poisoning, you would possibly have permanent liver damage, which would make the rest of your life decidedly unpleasant. PLUS: You would end up in a hospital run by folks who think it is their bound duty to save you from yourself. And they would use every law at their disposal to shut you away from your former freedoms for a LONG TIME...until you could convince them that you were "cured" of your desire to end your earthly existence.

Well, that is one example, anyway. There are lots more.

Part of the choice depends on how much pain you are willing to endure for the sake of Ultimate Freedom. Innit?

The folks who are successful at this shit are folks who want it so badly that nothing will stand in their way.

It turned out that I was not quite that dedicated.

Well, I could talk about artery slashing, self-hanging, self-immolation, hari kari, bullets to the head, and so forth, but I will not belabor the point.

What I will talk about is the Dark Night of the Soul.

That is where you experience what feels like Hell, only you are living an actual life on Planet Earth.

Feelings are illusion, of course...which is one of the things I kept trying to tell myself when I was feeling them.

My dear Deanna helped provide me with experiences like this. And she was right there with me - telepathically - when I was experiencing death wishes.

She knew exactly how far she could push me, of course. And I can tell you: She pushed me right to the very edge of my endurance, countless times...and even past what I THOUGHT I could endure.

It was all bullshit of course. Negative emotions are bullshit. It is just chemicals - biochemical reactions in our bodies. Hormones and shit. It has nothing to do with ultimate reality.

Not that this realization helps very much when you are under the spell of those fucking chemicals.

Still, it might help a tiny bit. Whatever helps is worth the effort to think about.

It is just that: After years of Hell, I came out the other side of my Dark Night of the Soul...and it is not so bad on this end of the tunnel.

In fact, I value that darkness. It made me stronger. It made me see things in a better way.

Not that I am, like, "enlightened" yet. I still have lots of demons roaming my soul. Prolly I will need several more lives to sort that shit out.

It is just that: We can't accomplish ALL of our spiritual growth in a single lifetime.

I have had it way better than lots of souls. I get to experience a lightening of the darkness. Some folks never come out of the darkness in particular lifetimes. I hafta believe that their souls are stronger than mine.

This is the way I view shit. Do you have a better way?

I am twice divorced, bankrupt, and Currently Not Collectible for two tax years with the IRS. Yet I find that in most ways, I'm happier than I have ever been before in this life. It turns out that what I used to think I needed in order to be happy was actually bullshit.

A few years in the Dark Night of the Soul taught me that, among other things.

Pity not yourself, for the limitations placed on your options in life. Rather pity those who have way more material comforts than you, and are enslaved to those comforts.

Embrace true freedom. It ain't an easy road, but it's worth the trouble in the end.

...that Deanna first acted like my gf, then started fucking with my head, then got me fired from my job, then ignored me for years and years?

Some of you know this. Not many, tho.

It was good, tho. It got me better at fucking shit off.

She got me fired almost 13 years ago. Now she is talking to me on the phone and via texts and is saying she will bring her adult daughter with her to visit me next spring.

She even told me "I love you" on the phone a couple times in the past few months. And sent me a selfie with her hair in her face.

Some of you know this. I am thinking that if you are reading my blogs, then YOU should know it also. Just so you don't mistake the limited conception of me of which you are capable with whom I actually am. So that there will be fewer interpersonal mistakes in this regard, see?

I don't fit into boxes very well. If that makes shit hard for you, I apologize. Boxes are nice, of course...it is just that they are also kind of boring after a while.

From my viewpoint, life is pretty fucking complicated. I keep forgetting that life is a lot simpler for most folks. I keep thinking they see shit the way I do, but it is mostly not so, is it?

If you don't understand wtf I am sayin here, then that might be a clue.

To be honest: Deanna was a complete asshole to me in a lot of ways, and for a long time. And I learned from that. And now I am a complete asshole also. Well, at least I appear that way to some folks. The thing is, I no longer see Deanna as an asshole. Maybe that is why she is now treating me like a friend again...she told me years ago that men fall for her because of her looks, but do not really know who she is. I think I have learned better who she is...and have become more like her.

If you think that life is simple, then I think you don't see very much. And if that pisses you off, then I hope you learn to deal with those negative feelings better...