SOME folks would read my words and achieve nirvana.
So: WTF is wrong with YOU???
No, no, no, everything is fine, just relax and remember that I am a jerk-ass dweeb.
I am just fucking with your head.
Or...YOU are fucking with your OWN head, and blaming it on ME...
Holy shit...I think shit just got real...
Ok, ok, relax now...I am not going to hurt you.
We are all friends here, right?
All is full of love, right?
And everything you ever wanted is waiting within you to be manifested. And when you see it manifested, you might realize that it is your own creation...
Or, you might not...
Why would you not recognize your own creation?
Cuz...maybe you are not internally comfortable with what you have made of your life...?
Maybe you would prefer to think of the events of your life as random bullshit that the universe has forced you to deal with?
Maybe you would prefer to blame someone else for your shit life...and make that person fucking PAY???
It doesn't matter what you think. In the long run. It only matters how you choose to act.
If you choose to act like a saint...well, that would not be too bad, would it?
If you choose to act like a paranoiac sociopath hater of humanity...well, that is your choice. Innit?
What do you choose?
Yes, well...she does this repeatedly, you know. Fucks me off then comes back all friendly like...this time emitting smooching sounds on the phone and a big "mmmmm" phone hug.
Of course, you need to understand that before she phoned, I had not heard ANYTHING from her in...I dunno...weeks. Last I knew she was fucking me off for another guy.
But see: We still had this telepathic relationship that would not quit. Cuz: How could it?
So earlier today we had a LONG telepathic conversation - me pacing endlessly through my apartment, trying to get her to talk some sense to me, but mostly just getting bullshit from her, which she is uber good at.
Finally she pretty much stopped fucking with me, got me kinda peaceful, and told me she would talk to me again on the phone and be my sweetness and light again.
This was completely telepathic conversation, understand.
I went back to work for a few minutes, and then: Yes. She phoned me.
And she was more my dear Deanna than ever...catching me up on her news, telling me she loved me, and giving me phone kisses and hugs.
Keep in mind that I am trying to write a book about my relationship with this woman. She told me out loud, face to face, back in late 2002 that she was going to write a book with me - even if it was 20 years later.
20 years from 2002 is 2022. So...six more years?
In the meantime she and her daughter have moved out of her house cuz the roof is ready to cave in, and she can't afford to fix it, and she needs major hip surgery, but can't do that until she gets her teeth fixed, and soon she will need to cross union picket lines to get to work, hobbling with her cane.
My youngest daughter, age 17, asked me today, "Why are you still trying to be with her?"
Well, it's complicated.
Maybe next blog entry I'll try to 'splain...
Undrunk no. But long missing? Aye, guilty.
The topic most on my mind is one that would take me months of blogging to explore. So I just can't go there right now. Suffice it to say that my "spirit guide" Deanna, after beginning to act like my gf, finally fucked me off for another man...AGAIN!!!
In point of fact, it is pretty much a note-by-note re-singing of the same tune she sang to me in 2010 to 2011.
First she acts like she is softening toward me and getting to be closer. Then suddenly: WHAM!!! She is suddenly with another guy!!! With no discussion or warning!!! As if I am not even a human being worth any consideration!!!
Well, of course: She IS my spirit guide. If you see wut I am sayin. I keep letting myself be fooled into thinking that she is a mere woman, when in fact she is actually an alien spiritual intelligence traipsing around the world in the body of a human female.
She is merely doing to me what she has shown me that she does to other men. On a regular basis, in point of fact. So why should I be surprised? Cuz I think I am somehow different and special?
Well that would just be ego shit on my part, right?
Anyway, I am still here, and I am telling you: It hurts like hell. Well sometimes, at least. Except when I manage to fuck off those feelings in my mind.
And see: That is the goal of her shit toward me. She is teaching me to fuck off my ego shit. She is telling me that I can CHOOSE to be happy even when my life comes crashing down around me.
More easily said than done, of course, and that is the whole point.
I told her out loud years ago, standing outside on the sidewalk with her, that I wanted to do what she did - to be inside other people's minds and to be one with God. She softly replied out loud, "We'll see what we can do."
Can't be one with God when we are still driven by ego, right?
So the ego has got to fucking go. I can't say that I am accomplishing this goal very well...
But hey: If it were easy, where would the challenge be?
All I am is what I am, and therein lies the peace that I'm looking for.
As Popeye said: "I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam."
Trying to let go when letting go is the last thing I really want.
But that is what life is really all about, see: Letting go. We can either do it gracefully or fight like hell against it. Bottom line tho is: When shit is gone, it is fucking gone. No amount of fighting and raging is gonna bring it back.
I still do rage tho...frequently, in fact.
I ain't no saint. Maybe I will become one tho, after a few thousand more lifetimes.
Cuz see, the IRS and I have become close pals over the past couple of years, see?
Reason being: I have had to file for Currently Not Collectible for three tax years now.
Most folks don't even know wtf I am talking about when I say "Currently Not Collectible."
Cuz see: This is something the IRS does not want to advertise.
Most folks would never find this until they hired a tax attorney.
It is a well-hidden secret of the IRS.
I discovered this tho, while googling information on tax desperation subjects. And it has been my salvation.
Bottom line is: If you can prove to the IRS that you do not have the financial means to pay your tax debt, the IRS will stop bugging you about it. Well, for a year or two, at least.
If you can prove that you are unable to pay your tax debt for any particular year, the IRS has to stop harassing you about it...and then has 10 years to try to collect that debt from you.
They will ask for an update of your financial status every couple of years tho.
They will, however, impose a lien on your credit record for every year in which you are Currently Not Collectible.
This is not overly important to me. I have one major credit card at this point, which I use for convenience, and pretty much pay off every month.
I used to fear the IRS greatly. Now that I am in tax-debt probationary status, I understand that if I do not pay my full tax assessment by April 15th, the IRS will NOT, in fact, destroy my life.
In point of fact, I could put the IRS off for five months past the April 15th deadline, and still not face any real penalties, other than normal late-payment penalties and interest.
When I was younger, I never could have imagined doing shit like this. I was in mortal fear of the IRS.
Now I am experienced in the art of playing the system...by way of necessity...and I know that I can actually get away with a helluva lot more than I ever thought I could.
And by and large, the agents of the IRS are pretty decent, normal folks who are just trying to do their jobs, and are not interested much in making your life hell, if they don't need to.
All my phone conversations with IRS staff have been quite pleasant, for the most part.
You just need to know what you are doing when you phone them. So research is important.
And even if you don't have the research behind you, the IRS staff tend to be mostly pretty helpful, in my experience.
I would way rather be able to just pay my damned taxes, rather than go through all this shit year after year. But in my situation, I can't...so I'm grateful that there are reasonable rules and procedures in place for folks in my situation.
And also: The IRS call-hold music is so sweet and soothing!!! I wish I had a recording of it myself. I was singing and dancing to it sometimes, while waiting for my call to be answered.
So, yeah, the point is: If you have tax problems, the important thing is to just be sure to TALK to the IRS and not ignore the problem. As long as the IRS perceives that you are trying to work with them to do what's right, they tend to be very easy to work with, in my experience.
So I am just getting drunk as usual, tryin to have a little fun, and suddenly: WHAM!!! Young chick in Philippines is in my face with her real-life problems that I have no way of fixing!!!
And I just wanted to relax after a long day and have fun, but this chick is not letting me do that...
Cuz suddenly it is all about REAL LIFE, and what SHE NEEDS to escape her situation of poverty and domestic abuse.
And: I am drunk. See?
This would be a challenging conversation even if I were cold sober.
Cuz: What am I gonna tell her?
"I will pay your way to the USA and marry you and raise your illegitimate kid and make you happy for the rest of your life because we are both so special."
And so: What should I do with all the OTHER hard-luck cases who want me to save THEM as well???
So what do you suppose I did?
What would YOU have done?
So I will tell you what I did: I found a website for Philippines social services and sent it to her.
I mean hell...I don't even know if I can save MYSELF, let alone some lost waifs in third-world countries...
Nowadays, EVERYBODY has a fucking iPhone. Innit? The most lost, primitive people in the world have an iPhone now. And they can insinuate themselves into our facebook friends lists, and confront us with their abject misery any time they want!!!
So this shit is no longer just a sterilized news article anymore. It has become up-front and personal.
If you have leftover food from dinner, you can now find a website where you can donate that food to the starving children of wherever.
And all I wanted to do was relax and post drunken bullshit to my heart's content until I slipped into oblivion for the night. Can't do that shit anymore, tho, can I?
The Interwebz are a techno-preview of the spiritual consciousness tho, innit?
Dear Spirit Guide Deanna already has eyes and ears on all this shit. She has mental telepathy on the suffering of the world. She is never free from it.
So then...why should I expect to be free? See?
No, see...the path of deepening awareness is also the path of knowing more and more about the suffering of our fellow humans.
The spirits have been sheltering me somewhat from the pain of this knowledge so far.
However they are now starting to give me glimpses.
If I could, I would fucking save this girl in Philippines. It is just that every soul that suffers has a spiritual path to travel, and a spiritual reason for traveling that path. I am not here to save anybody...I am here to help if and when I can.
That is all I can do...and so I will try to do it as best I can.
Separate names with a comma.