Undrunk no. But long missing? Aye, guilty.
The topic most on my mind is one that would take me months of blogging to explore. So I just can't go there right now. Suffice it to say that my "spirit guide" Deanna, after beginning to act like my gf, finally fucked me off for another man...AGAIN!!!
In point of fact, it is pretty much a note-by-note re-singing of the same tune she sang to me in 2010 to 2011.
First she acts like she is softening toward me and getting to be closer. Then suddenly: WHAM!!! She is suddenly with another guy!!! With no discussion or warning!!! As if I am not even a human being worth any consideration!!!
Well, of course: She IS my spirit guide. If you see wut I am sayin. I keep letting myself be fooled into thinking that she is a mere woman, when in fact she is actually an alien spiritual intelligence traipsing around the world in the body of a human female.
She is merely doing to me what she has shown me that she does to other men. On a regular basis, in point of fact. So why should I be surprised? Cuz I think I am somehow different and special?
Well that would just be ego shit on my part, right?
Anyway, I am still here, and I am telling you: It hurts like hell. Well sometimes, at least. Except when I manage to fuck off those feelings in my mind.
And see: That is the goal of her shit toward me. She is teaching me to fuck off my ego shit. She is telling me that I can CHOOSE to be happy even when my life comes crashing down around me.
More easily said than done, of course, and that is the whole point.
I told her out loud years ago, standing outside on the sidewalk with her, that I wanted to do what she did - to be inside other people's minds and to be one with God. She softly replied out loud, "We'll see what we can do."
Can't be one with God when we are still driven by ego, right?
So the ego has got to fucking go. I can't say that I am accomplishing this goal very well...
But hey: If it were easy, where would the challenge be?
All I am is what I am, and therein lies the peace that I'm looking for.
As Popeye said: "I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam."
Trying to let go when letting go is the last thing I really want.
But that is what life is really all about, see: Letting go. We can either do it gracefully or fight like hell against it. Bottom line tho is: When shit is gone, it is fucking gone. No amount of fighting and raging is gonna bring it back.
I still do rage tho...frequently, in fact.
I ain't no saint. Maybe I will become one tho, after a few thousand more lifetimes.
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