Sex Tips - What Extramarital Affairs Are All About - Part 2

Published by Barry Mandelay in the blog Barry Mandelay's blog. Views: 131

In part one I showed statistics for extramarital affairs. Men having the higher numbers of infidelity but women were close behind. That stands to reason as it takes a partner willing to have sex, usually of the opposite gender, in order to have an affair. So both genders have high numbers concerning sex outside of the marital bed. I also suggested reasons as to why affairs happen. After that was all said and done I find there are solutions to be had to prevent the marriage breakdown that occurs over an affair.

Now that my infidelity is out in the open between us we opted to let me pursue sex outside of our marriage. We have changed what our marriage is called. In not so many words we moved our relationship from a monogamous one to a more open one. The level of that resides in what we are comfortable with. What that means is it is acceptable to purse sex elsewhere but with conditions attached. These conditions, rules, boundaries, whatever you wish to refer to them as are how we together accept each others needs and desires to pursue pleasure without involving the other but yet maintain a strong and loving relationship together.

Marriage falls into two categories, monogamous and non-monogamous. I believe a lot of marriages would not end in divorce if both people involved would learn to address the needs of the other. I’ve shown that more than half of marriages in the US end in divorce. Plus it may be that more than half of the partners in a marriage explore infidelity within the marriage. The problem is the affair is kept a secret until the offended partner finds out. When the truth is discovered the offended partner becomes angry as the emotions come out. They feel cheated that their trusting partner ventured elsewhere for love and companionship which should have been for them. Feeling betrayed they become fearful that they may not be attractive enough or adequate enough to serve as a single source sexual partner. They feel unwanted being left out of this part of their partners life while devoting themselves fully to the relationship and insecure feeling their partner will want to opt out of the relationship. But yet are okay, even happy for their partner if the partner finds pleasure in other areas besides sex. An ice cream cone or a beer with his guy friends. Getting her hair or nails done at a spa with a girlfriend. These activities are perfectly fine but when it comes to the pleasure of sex that has to be done exclusively within the marriage. The point I’m trying to make here is I believe that if people were more honest with themselves and their partner and speak about having their needs met with understanding from their partner these things should be able to be worked out. There are solutions to all of this.

There is a term for an open marriage called "monogamish". It was first coined years ago by relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage who is gay. He shared his monogamish arrangement with his long-term partner. Within this monogamish agreement they're committed to each other but they can have sex with others. It is not just a phenomenon for gay men as Savage asserted that these kind of relationships are happening more and more with heterosexual couples across the country as well. Monogamish is more about an agreement that allows for encounters within certain circumstances that have been previously agreed to. In a monogamish marriage you are committed to one person, the “monoga” part, but you can enlist other people for sex which is the “mish” part. Becoming monogamish addresses the fact that a lot of people want to be devoted to their relationship but are in fact human, and have desires to explore sex with others. It isn’t a license to do anything you want sexually and respect and honesty are still be the foundations of the relationship. It simply looks to address the fact that as a society we place a heavy burden on people to be something they have struggled to be since the dawn of time in the first place. That is being with one partner sexually for life. Monogamish marriages are not the only type of open marriages.

These other marriages are increasing in numbers with varying styles to them. My spouse and I ventured into a monogamish relationship which is probably the lightest style. In a monogamish marriage an agreement is set and followed. We have an understanding where we get our needs met both physically and emotionally. Her needs are different than mine but we both work to fulfill them for each other. Other types of marriages are more open than ours. Some examples of non-monogamous marriages besides ours are polygamy, open, swinging, polyamory, and polyfidelity. There are many other forms of relationships but these relationships explained below are the most common.


Polygamy is a form of marriage consisting of more than two persons. The most common form is a marriage of one husband with multiple women, who are each sexually exclusive with the husband. There are cases where there is one woman with several husbands but that is is rare. The key is there is a single person with others attached and the others do not venture away from the single person sexually. Neither does the single person venture away from the others.

Open Marriage Other relationships which signify a primary emotional and intimate relationship between two partners who agree to have sexual relationships but not romantic relationships with other people together or separately. They may bring in a sex partner to share with each other or they may do it independently. This type of marriage centers around adding one person to the relationship for sexual purposes. Sub forms include cuckolding, wife/husband sharing, threesomes, or a combination of these and other scenarios.

Swinging. Best known and the most popular type of marriage. Swinging is where both partners in a committed relationship engage in sexual activities with others as a recreational or social activity. They will attend a party or club where they have sex with themselves and others around them. Bondage, discipline, sado-machoism, (BDSM) can be practiced as well within this group setting.

Polyamory Which is the practice of intimate, emotional, and sexual relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners. Partners may move in or out of the relationship as they grow or change and the relationship is not only about the sex involved. There are at least three or more persons involved in the relationship and some or none may be legally married. It might consist of three men and two women or any other combination of genders. This type of relationship deals with everyday life issues beyond sex such as financial, emotional, and physical. They will even include the responsibility of raising children that are born from the other partners.

Polyfidelity These are relationships that use an evenly distributed rotating sleeping schedule that determines who sleeps together and when. These relationships are similar to Polyamory relationships except no one sleeps with anyone outside of those originally involved in the group. This may be the most difficult arrangement as trying to maintain a schedule for sex among the participants can be daunting. If the group breaks apart the marriage ends.

I have presented ways to remain with a partner for a lifetime allowing for needs to be met. Hopefully one can work with the other together and both enjoy the fruits of the relationship as they explore the sexual world outside the marriage. It can be a very fulfilling and satisfying relationship if the partners can agree to allow themselves the pleasure of the many sexual activities that are available without expecting total control over each other. Besides, as I have mentioned before, the human being is not meant to be sexually active with only one person for life. For those who are curious about how to make this work I strongly suggest picking up a copy of the book "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. It is a practical guide to entering and maintaining an open relationship where extra-marital sex in common.
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