Self Discovery

Published by PattieD in the blog STOCKINGs for Pattie. Views: 916


Never knew these words co-existed as an entity --- until 6 years ago
Never knew what an "online forum" was --- until 6 years ago
Never felt a need to reach out --- until 6 years ago

"Online Forums" had been in my peripherals. in the background. something not for me. beyond me.
Until, I witnessed the possibility of its interactivity through my little sister --- Corinne.

Giggling. Snickering. muffled laughter was in the house from my mom's office.
Two little girls. My little sister and her best friend Roxie were sneaking and plotting at my mom's keyboard. My sister was a wise-cracker. a prankster. a lover of practical jokes. but, it was her friend Roxie that brought her adolesent tendencies to a different level.
Walked. well, eased behind these two to see what they were doing. viewing. posting.
They were on an adult "Human Sexuality" online forum. playing. teasing. and portraying themselves. well. collectively as sex kitten. screen name? "Foxie Roxie" (of course).

These two 14 year olds had men. married men. single men. sexually wanting men. feverishly sending them personal messages. a message would come thru. intense reading would ensue. and, some whispered tones converted into a response that on the surface was childish. obvious. and simply unbelievable. and, the men. "men". not just one. were diving for their words like chum in shark-infested waters.

I watched. And, I became intrigued. So much so, I cleared my throat. sent a jolt thru their bodies. and, listened to their excuses and rationalizations one conflicting with another. did not critique or judge or chastise them. I instead asked if I could join them. must admit. it was too too much fun. but mean at the same time. and, I did my best to clarify what they were doing to these obviously and desperately lonely men. they listened. promised. rolled their eyes and went right back to it.

I took note. I wrote down the URL. and, let curiosity take over.
Went to my basement bedroom. Assumed the position I am in now --- sitting on my bed. cross-legged. with my laptop in my lap. got the wi-fi signal. found the sight. and proceeded to indulge my curiosity by registering --- like I have here. "Pattie".

The threads were chaotic. From real topics of sexual concern. to light-hearted sexual banter to overtly sinister sexual intensity.

My search was one of "concern". A concern I had had since puberty. A concern about how I was different than the other girls as I "blossomed" early --- pubic hair made its appearance with me very early. my mother reassured me that nothing was wrong. it was sort of "the talk". talking about the changes I was going through. just like the changes she went through at my age. and, casually used herself as a visual aid as she pulled down her pants and her panties to show me what was normal for women to become -

My mother was great. She was this wannabe hippie even though she was barely alive in the 60's. she openly smoked pot. wore her hair long. dressed in clothing that I never saw in any stores. and she was very very very vocal in the bedroom with my dad. (unfortunately, I share that trait)
So, she reassured me that those new hairs in my crotch simply meant I was becoming a woman. I was more mature than my GF's. and, my boobs would be on their way.

So. When 7th grade gym came around. The gym class that had showers. The gym class that required showers. I did as I was told --- took showers after gym class. By the time I got to 7th grade, my boobs were barely A cups but my pussy was definitely fully "blossomed". What I thought was normal in my mirror at home was abnormal in the eyes of my classmates. Stares. Whispers. Giggles. all made me wary of my body. to this day.

So. When my future ex-fiance nervously suggested. or asked. if he could "style" my pussy. I immediately said "sure". but, in my mind, I said "no!!!". "why?!" "do you need to really?" His reaction. His expression was so telling. He wanted something different than me. But, I had fallen hard for him. I was 17 and he was 26. He was so gentle. so giving. so careful with me. But, I should have suspected as he kept his pubes neat. controlled. maintained on an almost daily basis.

So. We made a date. More than a date. An event. A hotel room. My first. With a solid alibi. A full proof lie to my parents as to where I was with full cooperation with my GFs / the alibi. So nervous. For a whole week. Anxious. Almost like I was going to lose my virginity. As I followed him into the room that he had obviously set-up in advance to my arrival.

What a disaster!!!

It was anything but sexual. For him. Obviously. Never saw him so aroused. He was naked. Shaking. Nervous. Horny. and clueless as to how to properly trim my pussy into a "landing strip". ewww!!! he showed me the picture he was going to use as an example. how gross!!! but. I knew I was in love with him and this is what you do --- I guess. Never been in love before. Lust many times. Never love. Real love. I would do anything for you love. Love that allows your BF to use scissors. not grooming scissors. like paper scissors. and razor. his razor. and electric one for his dog that he never got around to. because he made a mess of me. didn't hurt me. didn't cut me. but realized that this "event" was not turning out like he thought it would.

Yes. We took full advantage of the room. the big bed. the privacy. even room service next morning. But. There was a residue. A negative emotional residue that stayed with me after that "event". I cried when I got home. Behind a closed bathroom door. In the basement. Looking at what my Evan had done to me. Without hesitation, I took my dad's shaving cream. Got in the shower. And, shaved myself clean back into pre-pubesence.

So. When I registered as "Pattie" for the first time on an online forum. I sought the cyber help of strangers. Reaching out cautiously to mask my dilemma. Silently asking if there was anyone else that preferred to be natural. Confided in women. Privately. Shyly. Then directly asking them if their guys like them even though they were natural. If they ever experienced what I had just gone through. Some were distant. Some were silent. But, eventually there was consoling tones coming through that forum. And, one in particular. God bless her. Veronica. She was not only consoling. but supporting. uplifting. and inspiring. It would be the first time I exchanged pix over the internet. Totally scary. But, I took heart in her bravery with me. A total stranger. Well, at least a physical stranger. Sort of. She sent me some quite explicit pix.

So. What began with two little girls with too much time on their hands

Became a source of empowerment. A means of exploration. My outlet for my unsatisfied sexuality. And, in the end, my cyber therapist's couch.

Thanks Corinne. Thanks Roxie.
You little punks helped me kicked down my walls


This is like that scary excitement you get when you first enter a class. Your senses are heightened and tightened to feed your radar as to what to do next --- where to sit. who to sit next to. am I dressed right. is anyone looking at me. where is the teacher. is this the right room. hope I do well.

I am wordy. Not nerdy. Wordy. Full of words. sentences. thoughts. that need to come out.they need to burst out into fragments tied together by a stream of consciousness fueled by music, coffee and intimacy.

Online chatting has surfaced an aspect of my personality that has spilled out into the cyber world with detail with an unexpected side effect.

Did not realize how sexual I was until my innocent chats seemed to evolve into aggressive carnal exchanges with more and more frequency. So, much so, that the residue would seep into my reality.

The pleasure. The many kinds of pleasure that I have attained have fed and blurred my sexuality. Heightened my sexuality. And, has delivered me into the arms of another woman. Not a complete abandoning of men just a realization of emotions I have never experienced in my life.

I never felt so safe. so wanted. so warm. so satisfied as I have been with my Jessica. we both know it is not forever but we realize the moment. The moments of intense desire and exploration. together. how exciting this part of my life is. still picking up her scent on my fingers from early. early. early this morning.

When ramblings become wantings -
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