Polyamorous Beginnings: I Love To Appreciate.

Published by Bunnielight in the blog The Inner Illumination of Bunnielight. Views: 856

A lot of time for self reflection as of late. The urge to write has been terribly itchy, but I finally feel that I am at a peaceful and calm enough place to work my thoughts into writing appropriately. The new openness of polyamory in our lives has no doubt been a struggle in some ways, but I truly feel that I have learned more about myself during this time than I really have other people, as one would think. While I have learned quite a bit about human relationships, learning to find the drive within myself to actively live my dreams has been the greatest challenge. What were my dreams? What is it that gives me joy and happiness in life? These are the questions I've been running over and over in my head time and time again.

The struggle of the human relationship and getting to know someone intimately is an exciting and overwhelming experience. Some people, however, simply aren't willing to invest the same level of openness and care. And that's okay. It only became a problem when I expected it. Granted, in the grand scheme of things I really don't believe that the majority of mankind's gratitude is where it should be in this world. I also understand that there has to be a balance.


I just need to find my own flow and gratitude within myself. I have always found it difficult to get my life started and know exactly where I'm going. Finding value within something that I have to offer has been my greatest challenge. Finding my worth and witnessing what I have to offer. Witnessing the reaction my art and expression evokes from other people. Experiencing the value of my time rapidly begin to increase. It is a daily process requiring my constant attention. I am the only one that will improve my life and seeing the impact of my effort on my husband as well as others that I am close to is an incredibly rewarding payoff.

As far as my relationship with other's goes, I am slowly teaching myself to ignore those expectations. There are so many different types of connections with people that it's simply not fair to expect an emotional connection and attachment simply because you're attracted to them for this reason or that. I try to focus my attention on getting to know them, really explore those appreciations, talents, viewpoints, and experiences. To learn from them. My goal is to make these people feel recognized and seen. I want to give care and understanding to those that I believe deserve that greater love. There are so many people that simply do not receive that nearly as much as they should. That wonderful, natural care and appreciation. It's through that, which I believe positive relationships will blossom. Labels be damned. I just want to hold them.

That being said, I do have a recent male attraction. He is actually a good friend of my husbands and also in the same field of entertainment, only he's in our home town about 2 hours away. We've known him for about 4 years and he has always gone above and beyond simply for the sake of friendship. I am greatly attracted to him as a human being and made him aware of this after he drove 4 hours out of his way simply to come to my birthday gathering a couple of weeks ago. He now knows we are poly and has certainly opened up to me a great deal more than he ever has. It makes me quite anxious to see him again when we hang out Saturday. Now that he knows we are poly, I have no idea how to expect him to interact with me.

For now, however, I am trying to cool-it for a few days up until our hang out. Our last conversation covered a major range of perceptions as he always asks me questions I'm not expecting. He also has plans to take me to a specific spot hiking and wants to plan a camping trip. :daisy:

I feel like this could be something really wonderful if I could just control my anxiety and be aware of my own expectations. In the meantime I need to focus on appreciating my life and everything we have. We have to appreciate ourselves first and foremost before we can expect anyone else to. And I truly think that is one of the greatest struggles as a human being. Appreciation is the only thing that helps you get past insecurity.

In the meantime, I feel as though my 25th birthday really sparked a drive in me to learn to appreciate things as they are. They won't be that way forever. Your life will only be as good as it is right NOW.
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