Bisexual Vs. Lesbian

Published by PattieD in the blog STOCKINGs for Pattie. Views: 1489

We have all asked ourselves the question:
Our jobs
Our health
Our zip codes
Our relationships

How did I become a "bisexual"?
So clinical
That word "bisexual"
Kinda cold. isn't it

I find the possibilities so warming

When I fell into the arms of my first woman it was warm
And, of course, it became hot. moist. sweaty. and salty
Overall. I felt warm. wanted. safe. like this was meant to be

There was all that heterosexual upbringing
There was all that guidance towards the next boy
Even though
I had girls in my peripherals. but, didn't know it
She did. My mom. Pseudo hippie that she was
She knew I had curiosities. wondering eyes. female intrigue
And, I think it was because she had been down that path --- before my dad

None of my GF's have --- at least, I don't think so
As I crossed that "line", I was not ostracized or belittled.
I was pelted with questions. wide-eyed sexual interogation --- to this day.
At first, I revealed. they were my GF's. but, then I felt like I was betraying a trust

I am a monogamist
An aggressive monogamist
Totally loyal to my partner. almost obliviously blind in that loyalty
Guys. Not all. but guys seemed to have taken advantage of that loyalty. that personality trait.
Women. At least those that I have been with --- all or nothing --- break-up first before straying

That is why I use the word "safe" when I fell into the arms of my Emma
(I still think of her in that "my" way even though she is married now)
She was a total lesbian. Not a dyke in your face lesbian. A feminine lesbian.
A unbelievably creative
A talented photographer. off the hook ability. an eye for capturing the moment

In one of my bouts of self pity
When I was reeling from a bad hetero break-up
I cried in my Emma's beer. she was always the salve for my emotional wounds.
Ever since she moved to town back in fourth grade
Even then I knew she was a little different
Not until the cruelties of puberty did I realize how she was different

Accepting her sexuality was a natural as she was my good friend before she chose sides

When I confessed of my escapades online
I did so without any reservations.
I could tell her anything. She could tell me anything.
Like how much I enjoyed cyber flirting (still do --- obviously)
How susceptible. Almost wanting. Men and women wanted to be sexually engaged
How surprised I was when both men and women would and could become aroused by simple chats
Just words
Sensual revelations
Honest answers to intimate questions
And, always always always there were those requests. demands. desperate beggings for pix

When she asked why I didn't share
Share the skin they longed for. Show the privacy I talked of. Send the flesh they craved

Why didn't I share?
Because, I really didn't have anything to share. Never thought to share

Off to her studio. her photography studio. her freelance boudoir studio
Up with the lights. the backdrops. the screens. and, the thermostat
Off went the clothes. the layers. and bra. and yes. my panties
Slowly my panties came off. nervously, I revealed only what my lovers saw
To my school friend. my long time friend. my lesbian friend.

She was professional. My Emma was a pro. A creative artist. And, a calming task master.
She was simply repeating what others had asked of her. what she had guided them through
A session of intimate photography. for their husbands. for their girlfriends. for their female partners. always female
And, for me. for my online chats. my flirts. my cyber sex

We had several "sessions" like this. posing. revealing. pouting. standing. lying. bending
But, the last one was different.
The last one I literally cried in her beer. Many beers. Alcohol. and, tequila.
Tequila was my inhibition crusher. my panty dropper. my liquid courage.

We both had DUI levels of alcohol in our systems
I was flirting with her. I was seducing her. I was crossing the line.
All the while the camera was clicking. lens being changed. lights being angled
And, my Emma was guiding me into a different kind of session
Cupping. Spreading. Touching. Fingering.
Then a pause. a look. a thought
She asked me to lubricate and rub. essentially, to masturbate in front of her
(the very beginnings of my submitting to women)
She wanted my labia aroused. pronounced. engorged for the camera. for my chatters.
And, I think for her
She pretended to adjust the lens. the F stop. the lighting
She was watching me spread my legs. lay on my back. and rub my clit into a moan
She dropped the lights. and went to a hand held camera. getting close.
I was so turned on. I wanted her right then. I wanted her on me. in me. all over me.
She stayed clothed. I stayed naked.
She got her arousal shots

Lights up. Equipment breakdown. Pattie to the dressing room
But, the feeling remained. I wanted something new. I wanted her.
Soon Emma would become "my Emma".

As always
I only have myself to blame.
I screen men badly. I choose worse. And, I expect the best
And, there I was again. Across the table from Emma again. This time really crying.
"Across" became "next to" became "loving embrace" became "a kiss" became . . .

Me following her without hesitation with my car back to her apartment. up her stairs. and into her bedroom.
No lights. No cameras. No screens. This was no session.
This was the top of a woman's head betwen my thighs. My Emma down on me like no man could
And, me
Moaning and cooing and grabbing her head for more.
This was no crossing the line. This was leaping. spreading. and welcoming a woman into my sexualtiy.
She made me feel wanted. She made me feel safe. She made me forget my man.
She made me have one orgasm after another. So wet. So wanting. So wanting to go down too

There would be another time
There would be a syllabus on how to please another woman.
There would be new "sessions" where I learned more about my body (and hers) then I ever thought possible

I have now been a lesbian for over a year now. Only women.
A break-up. A break-up I saw coming.
But, a break-up has stirred my sexuality again

And, I want to cross back over that line.

I like this.
I like this new freedom of being bi. this sexual freedom of being bisexual


I got down on my hands and knees and blurred that line
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