I Know I Shouldn't, But...

I was married far too long to someone with the same problem.
I have a strong sex drive, always have. Hers went from equally strong in her 20's-30's to just about absolute zero in early 40's.
It is not just menopause. Some women just flat out lose their drive once they know they will have no more children.
We went to a therapist, actually two, to no avail. She would "sacrifice" herself and tell me she will do it if I want....but I couldn't do that. I did a couple times, and it was not only very dissatisfying - but I felt like I did something wrong.
I cheated on her after we had not had sex for 7 years. I just couldn't take it anymore. It was with a loose woman that I didn't even like. I ended up telling my wife, we got past it.
But in the end we divorced 5 years later (yes folks, that means 12 years without sex in total). I left her. I absolutely still care for her to this day, but all the years of feeling empty, frustrated ruined the marriage.
Today I live with someone whose sex drive is just fine. I cannot express how much better my life is. Sex is not just sex...it is an important part of our lives. Very important.

 

I agree that sex is very important, however, there's other things to consider before leaving someone that does not put out.

I have a high sex drive that's not being satisfied in any way, shape, or form. Sure, I want to have sex every day! I'd love to be with a woman that could meet my needs, however, I still love my wife.

I also love my children, and, my grandchildren. I can't just dump my wife and move on. Doing this would hurt, and disappoint, my family.

Having said this, I will remain with my wife. However, I can't say for sure if I will be able to remain faithful! If another woman would throw herself at me, I'm almost sure I would let her have her way with me.

Sadly, I'm now suffering in silence! I've pleaded with my wife for years in the past, to no avail. There is no point in talking to her about sex any longer. Sad.

 

I stayed until the children were grown. I did not want them to be "divorce children". We didn't fight, and for the most part got along. But there was no romance and very little affection at all.
One thing I have wondered for years, would the divorce rate be so high if prostitution was legal and regulated? I can honestly say that it may very well be likely that I would not have been looking if there were clean, legal and well regulated brothels.

 

But isn't the best part of sex that she wants it to happen with you? i.e. in that she wants YOU, not your cash. With a prostitute, her motivation is getting paid, not getting laid.

 

Mmmmm hmmmm

And how old is your ex-wife, and how old is this someone whose sex drive is just fine?

Why do you guys always do this?

"Some women just flat out lose their drive once they know they will have no more children." "Hers went from equally strong in her 20's-30's to just about absolute zero in early 40's."

Oh yeah, and you were as equally motivated seeing her naked in her 40s as you were in her 20s were you?

 

"Why do you guys always do this?"....you mean yourself in pre-judging others?
My ex is 55, the gal I am with is 53.
I didn't really see her naked in her 40's....that's the point.
You really have no idea what happened between us, none. You should not judge other people's action based on preconceptions that are based on nothing.

 

Ok, well then that reaction kind of doesnt ad up.

Wondering now why I didnt get a response along the lines of - na dude current one is only 2 years younger than her, its not that, she just went frigid, I dont know why

As opposed to this mi mi mi mi mi you shouldnt.....mi mi mi response.


In other words you know why she went frigid, you just dont want to say it out loud

 

Again with the pre-judging and misconceptions based on nothing. I don't remember seeing you do this before, so I assume I hit a hot button with you.
Sorry if you were hurt by someone under seemingly similar circumstances, but I am not that guy.
I didn't leave my wife so I could have sex, I left my wife because we were basically co-inhabitants. She lost her affection for me and her children. She went upstairs right after dinner to watch TV by herself...wouldn't play games with us, watch movies with us.....she was depressed for sure. But other than taking pills that I believe made her worse - she refused to go see a psychiatrist. And the two counselors we did see - she quit after 2 or 3 visits.
My daughter has very little relationship with her now, my son goes to see her but struggles. My wife became a very negative person who just didn't engage with others.
After years of this, and her refusal to get help - I couldn't take it anymore, why should I sacrifice my life for someone who won't get help and is hell on earth to live with?

 

Look at all the poor babies in this thread. Makes me sick. You think life is all fun and games, sunshine and lollipops. Life is suffering. Dwell in the truth. Suffer the horror of existence in silence like a man.

 

(I'm beginning to think this thread may have gone slightly off topic!)

 

Oh yeah, I agree! Someone please save it!

 

A fifth option has occurred to me.

Years ago I seem to recall my wife expressed some curiosity about her getting it on with another woman. It was almost mentioned in passing, and maybe I misheard her or misinterpreted what she said, but if I'm right, perhaps the FB/FWB could be for both of us...

Now THAT would be COOL!

 

The conversation has been had, and it went pretty well.

I mentioned all the five options (discarding immediately the professional, and the mistress, of course!). The sexbuddy for me idea was not met with shock, horror or outrage, and the sexbuddy for both of us idea was perhaps even momentarily considered as a maybe (i.e. she certainly didn't deny her bi-curiosity), but she then said "I don't really want to get anyone else involved".

HRT was also spoken of, and she agreed she wasn't keen on the idea, but did say that there were other issues as to why she's not been interested; our very untidy bedroom, the fact that we have our two teenage kids living with us, and that she's out of shape (I did point out that I'm in a similar lack-of-shape so it really didn't matter to me). What she thought would help (and is helping) more is the two of us just spending more time together. Twice in this past week the two of us have been out walking or doing photography without the kids in tow, and it has been nice, so it looks like we'll be doing more of the same and seeing where it takes us.

And who knows, perhaps the bi-curiousness will be revisited later.

I see a chink of light...

 

Personally I would have suggested the FWB option.

But this is part of the very reason where I come from monogamy is considered a sin. This is the type of problem that can result.

 

I am in the same situation as you...mine has been 13 years....IN EVERY WAY YOU HAVE MENTIONED. Wife is 10 years older than I. Thiink and will do anything for her but I too have that strong sex drive and Masterbation just doesnt cut it!

 

I hope things are still progressing in a positive way for you and your wife.

 

I was just curious when I read your post, but you said "monogamy is a sin" or did you mean "polygamy"?

 

This is excellent! I'm glad you thought through all the options, you knew exactly what you wanted the outcome to be, and that you actually
listened to what your wife's concerns were. It was almost starting to get frustrating reading through the initial threads, and all I can think was
"How the hell do we help this guy?" But as I suspected, there actually was a deeper issue, and you found out what it was through honest
communication with your wife. I apologize for going on a rant, but I just wanted to commend you on your efforts and good luck as you continue to work on it. This was very useful to me, thanks.