Suffering With P. T. S. D.

Oh god I relate.
I noticed I did this BECAUSE of childhood abuse. I always chased after partners who were pretty much unavailable- emotionally, mentally... They couldn't give me what was good for me.
I realized that even though I wanted to be happy, I subconsciously didn't. I sabotaged happiness. I eventually started dating a guy that was wonderful, and just as I started to sabotage it, we found out I was pregnant. Because of that, I was forced to learn to let happiness be. It was hard, because due to abuse I was always worrying when the other shoe was going to drop... Like a painful dread in the pit of my stomach.
My baby is half a year old now, and I'm doing so much better. You can have this peace. Therapy is great, and I encourage you to try Dialectical behavior therapy. Often we survivors end up victimizing ourselves for whatever reason, and we have to learn to love ourselves and let ourselves choose healthy people, places, and things to surround ourselves with.


Best of luck
B.

 

I dealt with excessive stress from work and my married life, along with her sons from her previous marriage. Their dad and his friends kept them putting the pressure on. And since my wife and I had a good marriage, her coworkers put the pressure on for her to change. After she got promoted, it all went to hell. I kept it alive til my girl was 11 so I could get custody. When she was 7 I had a stroke from it all. Had to declare bankruptcy, she had us hanging out with bad people. I finally moved out with my kid in 2012, in to my parents home to get away from things. When the boy left for the Army she asked if I was coming back. I said on three conditions (I knew she wouldn't allow it. lol) . #1, I want sex more than once a month or every other month. I must have it at least twice a week. (we fought about that since we got married.). #2, I demand that your friends respect me. #3, I demand your sons respect me. She said we may as well get a divorce (I knew she would.)

After I moved out, I had difficulty sleeping, waking up every night dreaming about fighting with them. This went on until last year, for the most part it has finally subsided. My doctor has me on two meds. The pharmacy is always surprised when she gives me a fresh prescription, as she puts refills on it. I guess this is unusual. While I was waiting on her to come in the room once, I snuck a peek at my notes. She said I have PTSD. I never really realized it, but that's probably the best way to describe it.

 

I also have TBI. That complicates things immensely.