In Laws(Outlaws)

Discussion in 'All in the Family' started by snuggly, Aug 13, 2016.

  1. snuggly

    snuggly Members

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    i hope i have the right forums as i couldn't find any other for this problem.
    so i meet my partner about five and a half years ago .she has a large family with who i got on with really well. the problems started about this issue last year. up till then we had took holidays as just a couple but the last two holidays my partner just didnt want to do anything much like going out etc once on holiday the last holidays we went out a few times about 6 hours in all and she spent most of her time going to bed all afternoons.
    but then late last year her aunt asks her to take her and two uncles who all 3 cant drive to ireland on a fly drive holiday.i was not invited along which hurt. my partner assured me that we would go as a couple next year. but even before the trip with her aunts and uncles i overheard her on the phone saying she would be saving the sat nav details of the places they would be going to so she could take her sister and her family round then next time we went. when i challenged my partner about this she said she wanted to take her sister and family with us on our trip i told her i wanted as she promised just her and me. she threw a strop and said if i didnt want her sister with us then we would go as a couple but she still would take her sister the next time. i hasten to add her sister can drive and is quite capable of going there herself. but then her mum said her sister was already going there on holiday with a friend. my partner then showed no enthusiasm about her and me going. that was until a few weeks ago suddenly she tells me we are taking her aunt with us,no discussion nothing,saying her aunt just invited herself(same aunt she took earlier this year) i was hurt i hadn't even been asked but then last weekend bother her aunt and mother was staying here and its all arranged her mother is coming to.my partner said her aunt invited her mum. the way we had planned to travel a fly/drive had been changed ,her and her mum was taking my partners car by ferry knowing i get sea sick i'm told i will have to catch a train to her aunts and me and her aunt would fly there. so we won't even be travelling over their as a couple.plus my partner knows i suffer from anxiety and will be freaked out travelling on my own by train. so we have a huge row. i tell her she has broke her promise to me that we was going just on our own.she says going in a group will be more fun. which really upset me it was like she was saying i wasn't fun to be with. fun for her maybe but not for me. they will be spending every night on holiday gambling with cards games,because thats all her family ever do ,even when they stay here they all want to play cards, so i try to be reasonable and start looking at accommodation online my partner then tells me her mum is organizing everything and we are staying in the same cottage they all stayed at on their trip earlier this year. and visiting the places they didnt get to visit when they went. but oh i can still visit the titanic exhibition like i wanted. oh how gracious of them. so basically i get to visit one place the rest of the time its all where they want to visit.

    opps sorry just realised i havent put things in paragraghs.

    anyway so i told my partner forget our trip as i only wanted to go as a couple as she promised me she would. only to be told shes still going.
    so this makes me feel she is not interested as she made out taking me on holiday as long as her family go.

    i made it quiet clear earlier this year when she took them for 10 days it would be a one off her taking them on holiday as i was upset i had not been invited my partner agreed it would be a one off. but now she has broken two promises one she wouldnt be taking her family again like that and another we would go next year as a couple.

    so heres where i need some advice ,it obvious she does not want to tell her aunt or mother we had planned this holiday as a couple,she does not mind upsetting me but time and time again she wont go against anything her family say or do. not once has she put me before her family ,never considered my feelings.
    everytime i try to explain how i feel she starts a row and shouting.

    yesterday i was out i rang her in the morning she was fine. then i rang in the afternoon and the phone was engaged when i did get through she said she had been talking to her mum,her mood had changed . so i gather her mother by what she said had been organizing this trip .

    i thought about telling her mother this trip was just for us but her mum would only go on at me . so how do i get across to my partner all this putting her family before me and our relationship has to stop without it giving her any excuse to cause a row. ty

     
  2. GLENGLEN

    GLENGLEN Banned

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    My Advice To You Is....."Step Outside Your Mom's Basement" There Is A Whole Exciting Sun Filled & Healthy Life Out Here... :sunny:



    Cheers Glen.
     
  3. morrow

    morrow Visitor

    Perhaps your holidays are not her thing!
    She obviously enjoys the hustle and bustle of family holidays compared to your type! (Obviously not her thing)
    Get her to suggest an ideal holiday for you two..what would she like to do!
     
  4. snuggly

    snuggly Members

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    her thing seems to be only time spent with her family. she said she likes camping,ive seen her photos from her past on camping holidays.but she has been so miserable on our camping trips,she doesn't want to go with me on walks with our dogs . she didn't really want to do anything. i have suggested numerous different holidays but she shows no interest in anything i suggest. and asking her for suggestions didn't work she just said she was no good at organizing things she had always let her ex partners do it. she goes every year to stay a few days with her family on her familys big get together holiday at a holiday park near us. now when shes there ,shes joining in with the table tennis etc . playing crazy golf etc. so last year she went for her usual two days there then we both went for a couple of days ,she did not want to do anything with me,the whole point of me going for two days was she said we would do things together,well the first day i was there she said she had promised her nieces she would take them swimming,yet she had been there for two days previous spending all the time she wanted with them. that was the whole point of her two days stay before we both went together for two days,so she would spend the first two days with her family then two days doing activities with me. so i get my swimming cossy on and trail along to the large swimming pool with lots of slides etc,her sister came two(mother of my partners nieces) i thought we might get some time together to have fun on the slides etc but her sister kept leaving her daughters with us while she went off to enjoy the slides etc. then when her sister came back i asked my partner to come with me to the outside bubble pools as i had never been before i didn't know quite where they was and i didnt really want to go on my own theres no fun in that. but she refused saying it was too cold outside(which it wasn't). so the first day was spent being bored just standing around in a swimming pool like i said its no fun going on the slides etc on your own. night time came and she spent her time playing cards with her family. ok next day we go to play table tennis but she won't just play a normal game with me for fun .no it has to be a tournament with her family,as i'm not a good player i loose in the first game then have to sit there hours waiting for them to finish. i suggested we had a game of snooker as there was loads of snooker tables there,she said no the tables was too big,there was little children playing on them!!! if they could play then so could she. by now i'm getting really fed up she had not wanted to do anything with me only with her family. there was plenty there to do but she would only do the things her family did. i began to think she just didnt want to do anything with me ,i wasnt so exciting as her family to be around. there was a show on at nights but she didn't want to go to that either.
    i have also noticed at various family events this sister of hers says"just look after the girls" her daughters then swans off doing what she wants leaving us having to stay put until she decides to come back. this happened only the other week at a wedding. i had brought two dresses one for the actual wedding and one for the night do . i decided to go and find my partner after the meal to ask her to help me get changed ,but her sister had already left her daughters with my partner while she swanned off. i needed my partner to do my zip up . so i waited and waited . eventually my partner asked someone else to look after them. then later on her sister had once again left them with someone else and one of the girls went missing,she couldnt had got out anywhere ,shes about 8 years old. she was found just yards away in some bushes. everyone else who had children was looking after them. not her sister.
    this is one of the main reasons when my partner wants her sister to go anywhere with us,even wanted her to go on holiday with us i've always said no.
     
  5. Vanilla Gorilla

    Vanilla Gorilla Go Ape

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    LOLz, as a couple? You mean as a female


    Its a funny thing isnt it, doesnt even seem to register something may upset you, yet if you pulled the same shit, you'd get "you never consider my feelings"



    Edit Again: I should add a disclaimer: you do see that myopic sense of entitlement with some guys that are complete mummys' boys as well
     
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  6. snuggly

    snuggly Members

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    so i agree that her mother and aunt can join us on this holiday.i say agree,i had no option.
    but this morning i hit her where it hurts her most.....money. i told her if we had been going as a couple as she had promised i would had paid for this holiday. but as she has given no option but to go with her aunt and mother she can pay for herself.oh the look on her face...priceless. i also told her i did not want her mother ringing and saying i should pay for her daughter. and that she has had enough money out of me. thanks to her mother telling me i should let her off what she owes me etc.(almost bullying me.)
    and i told her why should i pay for her when we will be going to places i don't want to go. i'm only going for one day where i want to go,when i said there was some other places i was told no. seemed like my partner has it all mapped out between her and her aunt and mother.
    so i'm expecting backlash from her mother,but i have my answers ready.
    earlier this year this aunt asked my partner to take her and 2 uncles to ireland(this is where my partner promised to take me just the 2 of us when she got back) they split the costs between them,my partner had the added expense of getting a passport. but she didn't moan once about paying for herself .so if she did not expect her family to pay for her,then why expect me to pay for her.
    her mother is ringing this afternoon ,bet my partner goes whinging i've said she has to pay for herself. i'm ready for her mother lol .
    my money has sweet fa to do with her mother,
     
  7. Ashalicious

    Ashalicious Senior Member

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    It sounds like there is a serious lack of communication between you and your wife, and the holiday to Ireland is just the surface of a more deep routed problem.

    You have two options here. You could a.) stay home and enjoy the house to yourself while your wife goes way with her family, or b.) go on the trip with them, make the most of it and enjoy yourself, because at the end of the day you are fortunate enough to have the opportunity to travel.

    I'd also suggest looking into some counseling for you and your wife, so you can learn to communicate with each other in a more healthy and respectable way.
     
  8. snuggly

    snuggly Members

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    ive thought about counselling,even suggested it. but i don't think it would help as it seems to me my partner just wants to do things that make her happy . at 43 she doesn't seem mature enough to be able to have a discussion without turning it round on me. she more or less said the other day her family come before me. which has really made me think about this whole relationship.
    thursday she is off to spend 2 days visiting her other sister. sunday she is off to a cousins baby christening again staying over night,yet its only 80 miles away. i did mention today i would like to go if she would ask her friend to look after our dogs but she didn't even answer me. i had heard her the other day telling her mum how much she was looking forward to going.
    this holiday in ireland isn't until next year ,but basically it means we won't be going anywhere just as a couple .
    and what really has made me angry is her mother and my partner are insisting i pay for new tyres etc when my partners car needs it,but the only places she drives to is to her family and like last month she did nearly 1000 miles when she took some of her family to ireland and the trip there next year her mother has told her to take her car over there to drive them round in .so i told my partner her family can pay for new tyres because i'm not .
    by the way shes not my wife lol no way would i marry her now. i told her not long ago when she can prove she can put me first then i would consider it.
     
  9. Ashalicious

    Ashalicious Senior Member

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    So this woman is not your wife, and you do not want to make her your wife. She doesn't respect, appreciate, or put you first. I'm going to assume she doesn't meet your needs sexually, either.

    So why stay with her? Wouldn't it be better to be on your own and be happy?

    I'm also going to say this - you will never meet the right person if you are with the wrong person.

    You deserve to be with a woman who makes you incredibly happy, knows how fucking amazing you are, would do anything for you. Go find her.
     
  10. Yogamat

    Yogamat Members

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    Its abit difficult to really offer advice,but I'll give it a shot! Ok Im looking at this from all angles,I dont know either of you personally,so please excuse me if I throw something out there that may upset you! (apologies if I do!) Firstly it depends what type of person your partner is.She is either (in my personal opinion)abit too close to her family,being 43 yrs of age,and spending "that"much time with them,to me doesnt sound quite right.Like every holiday???She either doesnt like being without her family around,or she finds you very boring! I can sort of see why you're sounding frustrated because it seems you're trying (Suggesting time alone etc)but she's not interested. I can understand some time spent with her family,but all of it?? Do you do stuff together on weekends etc or is that time also spent with her family? If it were me,I would ask her straight out what her issue is with you.I'd rather know the truth tbh,than it keep happening.
    Having said that though,I've so far spent 2 holidays without my partner.I'm Australian,married to a british guy,and we live in the
    UK atm.My partner has been back to Oz with me on occasions,but I have spent 2 weeks going over there by myself,and then I took a 3 mth career break back there.I dont visit Australia as a tourists,(Seen most of it anyway from living there)so when I go,I'm spending time with my siblings and (now deceased)Mum.My partner would of probably found that quite boring,just sat around talking for hours!lol When I go though,I do make a good effort to then book a holiday away with my husband,so we can spend quality time alone.
    If you discuss this issue with your partner,and she says its not you,then she probably needs to let go of her family to a degree.I really dont think you need to go away with them all the time.I'd find that hideously boring.We're quite selfish with our holidays and we need to be.We both work full time and need rest! Our holidays are spent lounging around quite alot,with abit of sight seeing thrown in.I'd really not be happy feeling like I had to talk to my partners family the whole time we're on holiday.I like to switch off and chill out.
    Have you got family?If so,bluff and tell your partner you're considering a holiday with them?See how she reacts? ;) Failing that,let her go alone with her family,and you either enjoy the time alone at home,or better still,book somewhere for yourself! A greek island perhaps?lol
     
  11. His Eden

    His Eden Queen of Mean

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    Snuggly, does your partner work and provide towards the household finances? I ask because if they don't, why isn't her family footing the bill for her frequent visits since you have not been very welcome to join her. If she does work, then why is her mother butting in about what you should or shouldn't be paying for in regards to your finances. Actually, why is her family butting in period. She is 43, yet her world still revolves around her family, even though she is in a committed relationship.

    I cannot even imagine living like that. I am extremely close to my family, but my husband and children always take priority in my life, unless there is a special occasion, or emergency. in my family. Even then, my husband is never excluded, and I always talk to him about what is going on. If there will be demands on my time due to my family, I make sure my husband knows why, and for how long it can be expected to last. He does the same for me when it comes to his family.

    Granted, we're only getting your side of the situation, but if my husband pulled that crap with me he wouldn't be my husband for long. (I wouldn't expect him to put up with it from me either) I wouldn't want to be with someone who so obviously didn't want to make time for me, or for us as a couple. What would be the point? Relationships should take into account what BOTH partners want and need to be content and happy with each other. Whether it be date nights, vacations, or just cuddling on a couch watching a movie. It should never be centered around one partner, while the other feels hurt, left out, unheard, used and rejected. That sounds like a miserable way to be in a relationship with someone. Just my opinion. I prefer a more balanced and happy relationship, in which we both feel valued and respected.

    Good luck.
     
  12. rollingalong

    rollingalong Banned

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    many couples take separate vacations....however since you so determined to spend a holiday with your wife and she is so determined to not be alone in a hotel room with you?

    this marriage is done

    fuck Ireland anyway....you wanna have fun?....go....all by yourself....to a country where there is cheap prostitutes

    like Thailand or brazil


    have you any idea how many dudes would thank the heavens if their wife announced she is going away for 3 weeks?.....and she is bringing her annoying fucking family with her?

    that right there is a gift

    i
     
  13. rollingalong

    rollingalong Banned

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    lol...op should start inviting his family on these trips

    ''oh by the way cousin tool and uncle fart are joining us too honey''
     
  14. Bijay_08_2000

    Bijay_08_2000 Members

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    She wants nothing to do with you. Time to move on. She won't even try to see your side, without it turning into an argument. If you can't enough, then you deserve what you get. She's not going to change. So, either put your foot down, and force the issue. Be prepared to end it. I would expect her to choose her family, based on all your posts. Get on with your own life. Or, you swallow it all, and just take it, without complaint. If you won't change anything, you can't expect a different outcome. She's in her 40's...adults that old do not change the behavior.
     
  15. Bijay_08_2000

    Bijay_08_2000 Members

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    She wants nothing to do with you. Time to move on. She won't even try to see your side, without it turning into an argument. If you can't enough, then you deserve what you get. She's not going to change. So, either put your foot down, and force the issue. Be prepared to end it. I would expect her to choose her family, based on all your posts. Get on with your own life. Or, you swallow it all, and just take it, without complaint. If you won't change anything, you can't expect a different outcome. She's in her 40's...adults that old do not change the behavior.
     
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