Your daily joke thread!

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Mary had a little lamb
Given to her to keep.
It followed her around
Until it died from lack of sleep.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

 

Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes

Me: I wish for a world without lawyers

Genie: Done, you have no more wishes

Me: But you said 3

Genie: Sue me

 

The way I heard it was:

Mary had a little lamb
The doctors were suprised,
But when Old MacDonald had a farm
They couldn't believe their eyes!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water,
Stupid Jill forgot her pill
And now they have a daughter!

 

a bloke came up to me the other day ,and accused me of being a serial killer ,i said yea i could kill a box of cornflakes

 

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That reminded me of the day when our son was about 5 and while rushing around the shop after collecting him from the nursery, Jane asked him to fetch some cream.
He came back all excited, telling her that he had found some Irish cream. When Jane laughed and told him that we don't import fresh cream from Ireland, he said,
"I read the label and it said "Extra Thick".
Needless to say, Jane was not amused, particularly when she saw me laughing.

I still remember my old theater manager saying..... "If you want a REAL laugh, just watch the audience".
All these years later, I understand what he meant.

 

Why do people say when they're trying to help you it's the least that they can do? Actually the least they can do is nothing. Think about it.

 

You know, sometime personal observations make the best jokes. Because, they had that "you know you're a redneck if" series. One was, you know you're a redneck if you wear a strap bra with a strapless blouse. I saw a woman do that once. I really did.

 

"Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them." HOMER SIMPSON