I bequeath onto you, My good friend, Kindred of words: The solstice, The flowers, The trees and the birds; Love them; As I would you, See them; As I do too, Let none material possessions absorb you. Lean onto life, With pride, As if it were vacant; Wander the ground, With me, Let nothing be latent; Recall it; As I would you, Explore it; As I do too, Let nothing block the path that belongs to you. Meditate upon, The nightly slumber, That enfolds the patron; Live in peace, Just boycott your feelings, Of anger and hatred; Forgive them; As I would you, Value them; As I do too, Let no one ever evoke, distract or disturb you. So feedback would be great on this one, and constructive critism is welcomed. Any advice is good generally Thanks for reading, much love, Emelia
I really love the flow of this poem. The only things I see that could be changed are: Maybe a different word instead of 'kindred' since it is typically used as an adjective.. or something in place of 'of words'... I'm thinking on this one and I'll update if something occurs to me. I might change the 'none' to 'no' or 'nary a material possession' The rhythm of this is grand. The comma after 'ground' is unnecessary, though.. the second comma, after 'me', works well. I love this recurring pattern. The 'just' is a little out of place. Without it the sentence flows a little better with the rest of the poem. The poem seems almost like a mantra or a psalm, and I REALLY like it.
Thank you so much for your feedback, it's lovely people like you who have helped me get better at poetry, *hugs*
I think Cassifrass has identified all of the minor changes that I would have suggested. I really like the rhythm and rhyme you have in this poem. The repetition of the short advice like cammands is almost hypnotic. Very good.
