Yesterday I was wandering the roads on the outskirts of town- the wrong side; not brave enough to go where I wanted. Crossed and wandered as the sky darkened until the streets seemed chaotic and threatening. The roar of these deserted streets louder then a speeding car; the fumble of my keys and my confused mind, unable to leave the sadness behind me as far as I had walked. I see before me the dozens of steps that lead ultimately to you. I seem to always be walking them when it doesn't really matter. There is a strange foolishness and vulnerability in always seeing signs in street lights and a strange boy's phrases, frustrated in my own inability to read people properly, to somehow piece this life together. Feeling that in some strange way I was walking my life on these lonely roads; unsure of the distance I have come and how far I must go- searching for something that continually draws a blank. Knowing better then anyone the time we have lost. Yesterday; yesterday, as I walked the roads I was thinking mostly of you and all the roads that we walk in life which take us in the wrong direction.
when i read this i heard it in my mind like a voice-over at the beggining or end of a film. with music in the background. now i really want to see that film! i like it
Good poem, terrible line breaks. Poems are meant to be read out loud. At the end of every line, you pause, naturally. It's why we have line breaks. But look at yours: The roar of these deserted streets louder then (pause) a speeding car; the fumble of my keys and my (pause) confused mind, unable to leave (pause) the sadness behind me (pause) as far as I had walked. (stanza break, longer pause) You break (pause) in the middle of a thought, often, and throughout the whole poem. It really makes it annoying to read, and sound even worse out loud. It's a shame in this case because there's a really good poem inside this one just dying to get out. (sorry if I sound harsh, it's just sad to see a good poem lost in bad line breaks). Other than that problem, yes, it is a good poem. Please don't take my critique as a flame. Check this out http://www.everypoet.org/pffa/showthread.php?s=&threadid=9958
Very true, TrippinBTM. Many people just starting writing poetry often see examples of other poems and try to copy them. They see approximatly how often there are line breaks and without understanding why the line breaks are there, add them at random places. Well, poetry is not just prose broken up into lines. Good poetry isn't, at least. And that is not to say that you need to stop at the end of a sentence, or where a person will stop in his everyday speech. Stopping at the end of a thought, allowing the reader or audience meditate, even if very briefly, on what was said. An example of where you use line breaks effectivly, even creativly is at the beginning of your poem: The first line, when heard, may be interperted as "Yesterday I was wondering", and after a short break, letting this idea sink into the audience's minds change into a different meaning. And then again, you say "not brave enough to go" which may be seen as "not brave enough to go on" but ends up being "not brave enough to go where I wanted".
I agree with TrippingBMT ( I haven't had enough coffee for what Syntax said,lol) Great poem but the breaks do fall in odd places, a very common mistake people make. Lines in poetry can be long, look at Robert Frost for example (The first one that my uncaffinated brain could think of) ty, I did enjoy this alot.
I liked it, the words go together really well. And it makes sense, I hate poetry that dosnt make any sense, the writer just throws together words that sound nice, but puts no feeling or personal message into it, yours is what I like to hear!
