yeshhh

Discussion in 'The Whiners' started by below utopia, Aug 22, 2005.

  1. below utopia

    below utopia Baby did a bad thing

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    MAHER: Okay. It is time for New Rules everybody.

    ROCK: We made it to the rules!

    MAHER: We made it to the rules. We didn't run out of gas. We made it to the rules.

    New Rule: Angelina Jolie has to put the little Asian kid down. Is it a child or just something to hide a tattoo? You know, Paris Hilton loves her little rat dog, but once in a while even she just shoves it in her purse.

    ROCK: The kid and the dog?

    MAHER: Yeah, that was too close.

    ROCK: That's a big kid, man.

    MAHER: New Rule: Stop blaming the summer box office slump on DVDs and video games, and demographics. The summer box office was down because no one knows who the hell Ewan McGregor is. You know how you can tell you're not a movie star? When people would rather watch a penguin.

    ROCK: Oh!

    MAHER: That's old. Silly, huh?

    ROCK: "Train Spottin'", man. "Train Spottin'", man.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    ROCK: Hey, hey. Hey... Hey!

    MAHER: What?

    ROCK: Let's leave Howard alone.

    MAHER: No. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: Celebrities must stop using their TV shows to hawk their other projects. A point I should have made in my book, New Rules. Polite musings from a timid observer. Available in bookstores everywhere, and on amazon.com. Itunesaudible.com and Costco. Audio tape from Phoenix. Audio void where prohibited by law.

    And finally New Rule: You don't have to teach both sides of a debate, if one side is a load of crap.

    Now, President Bush recently suggested that public schools should teach intelligent design, alongside the theory of evolution. Because, after all, evolution is quote, "just a theory." Then the President renewed his vow to drive the terrorists straight over the edge of the earth.

    Now, here is what I don't get. President Bush is a brilliant scientist. He's the man who proved you can mix two parts booze with one part cocaine, and still fly a jet fighter. And yet... yet he just can't seem to accept that we descended from apes.

    It just seems pathetic to be so insecure about your biological superiority, to a group of feces-flinging, rouge-buttocked monkeys, that you have to make up fairy tales. Like we came from Adam and Eve, and then cover stories for Adam and Eve like, intelligent design. Yeah, leaving the Earth in the hands of two naked teenagers. That's a real intelligent design.

    I'm sorry, folks, but it may very well may be that life is just a series of random events. And that there is no... master plan. But enough about Iraq. Let me instead restate my thesis. There aren't necessarily two sides to every issue. If there were, the Republicans would have an opposition party.

    And an opposition party would point out that even though there's a debate, in schools, and government, about this, there is no debate among scientists. Evolution... is supported by the entire scientific community. Intelligent design is supported by guys online to see "The Dukes of Hazzard."

    And the reason there is no real debate, is that intelligent design isn't real science. It's the equivalent of saying that the thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, because it's a god. It's so willfully ignorant you might as well worship the U.S. Mail. It came again! Praise, Jesus!

    No, stupidity isn't a form of knowing things. Thunder is high pressure air meeting low pressure air. It's not God bowling. Babies come from storks is not a competing school of thought... in medical school. We shouldn't teach both. The media shouldn't equate both. If Thomas Jefferson...

    If Thomas Jefferson knew we were blurring the line this much between church and state, he would turn over in his slave. Now as for me, I believe in evolution and intelligent design. I think God designed us in his image, but I also think God is a monkey! God bless you and goodnight!

    All right, that's our show. I want to thank Chris Rock, Kellyanne Conway, Asa Hutchinson, Phyllis Schlafly and Mr. Paul Hackett. Thank you very much, folks. See you next week.
     
  2. Micha

    Micha Now available in Verdana!

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    I read the first five or so. Not enough energy to read the rest.

    ya know, school and all.
     
  3. Orsino2

    Orsino2 Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

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    Aahahha... I loved that. :D
     
  4. lakshen

    lakshen Forn SiĆ°r

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    I read like 2 lines :rolleyes:
     
  5. Smerfish

    Smerfish Senior Member

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    Im with Micha I read the first two then my head started to hurt
     
  6. Orsino2

    Orsino2 Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

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    (Richmond, VA) -- Richmond police don't know if they have one or two carjackings on their hands, but they know they are looking for a six-foot-two skinny black man with a goatee. Police say a man fitting that description muscled his way into a Hispanic man's car outside the Southwood Apartments around 4 a.m. Sunday. They say he then pointed a gun at him until he drove him to a near convenience store off Hull Street. That's where he robbed him and pistol whipped him before running across the street and pointing a gun at a, now missing, overweight, 5'4" African-American woman, with two six-inch long cheek scars, in in a silver 2004 Cadillac Coupe DeVille with tinted windows. He apparently jumped into that vehicle, which has not been seen since. Police are not sure if the woman was abducted or in on the heist. Anyone with information about the crime, call crime stoppers at 780-1000.
     
  7. Smerfish

    Smerfish Senior Member

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    whatever happend to short and sweet
     
  8. Orsino2

    Orsino2 Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

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    Everything seems to have become long and bitter.
     
  9. Micha

    Micha Now available in Verdana!

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    Okay Shelly. I am a little high.

    There. I said it.
     
  10. Burbot

    Burbot Dig my burdei

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    i acctually read most of that...slightly humorous
     
  11. Orsino2

    Orsino2 Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

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    If only I were a little high.
     
  12. soulrebel51

    soulrebel51 i's a folkie.

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    That was pretty funny, yet so truthful.
     
  13. below utopia

    below utopia Baby did a bad thing

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    AHHAH. i knew i was right :H
     

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