wrote a poem,"I'm Glad the Lights Were Out"

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by dietcokehead, Feb 11, 2009.

  1. dietcokehead

    dietcokehead Guest

    Here is the poem:

    I'd like to start by saying
    I'm glad the lights were out.
    The lights were out and the world went out with them. Now our world,
    Where the only noises were the soft, safe, mind-numbing sounds of sit-coms
    And the crying of my cat.
    And light seeping under my door like a noxious gas
    Trying to creep its way onto our naked bodies
    And infect our skin with truth and disgust.
    I'll stuff a towel in the crack to soak up my insecurities.
    I'm glad the lights were out.

    My fan swung its blades round and round into the dead air
    Hacking into the thick smell of sex and sweat,
    Ferociously, like a Puritan with a furrowed brow.
    But the waves of cooled breezes barreling down upon us
    Made being under the covers that much more appealing.
    Well the build up is nice, with skin wearing skin.
    And the clock ticked in unison with our urgent breaths

    In.
    Out.
    Quick livin.
    I don't know how to keep up with time after you.

    We exault the god-like qualities within us
    That have been mashed down by high standards and societies.
    Let us go and create a paradise, a new Eden, an alternate heaven--
    Because i'm not quite sure I'll get in.

    O Lord
    Deliver me to sin
    O Lord
    O Lord
    Save my soul
    O Lord I'm singin the hymns in rejoice
    O Lord
    O Lord
    Why was this left out of your gospels?

    And.
    Now.
    Comes.
    The.
    Awkward.
    Part.

    Where the lights
    Are searing into our guilt.
    Back to back, we wrench our underwear back on,
    Fighting to regain a load of modesty
    Like we had not already known each other.

    The lights spring on like an interrogation room,
    The ceiling transforms into a cop's face,
    A lost grace, my mother says.
    Fuck.

    The room is so apparent now
    With my parents picture smiling blue at me,
    My face peeling with epiphanies.
    I gotta throw out all my white dresses now.

    And he asks
    "Want a cigarette?"



    Comments?
     
  2. sunshine186

    sunshine186 midnight toker

    Wow. I like this very much. It's different, and really lovely.
    Constructive criticism?
    The sixth..."stanza", where every word ended with a period, I didn't like that. Thought it kind of disrupted the meter.
    It has a meter of it's own, and I like that a lot.
    I also thought the "O Lord" part was kinda awkward in the poem, but that's just my opinion.

    Great job.
    Peace, Sunshine
     

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