Will I Be Alone Forever?? (sorta long)

Hi, this is an anonymous motherfucker. I am an 18-year-old male punk rock musician (REAL punk, not the fake overproduced radio vomit). I am heterosexual but I have never fucked, I've never kissed, I've never been in a relationship with a woman.

This is more of my doing than mere rejection... though I have only ever really liked one woman and she did not like me back. Anyways, I guess you could consider me a "nice guy", because while I might come off as aggressive or creepy or whatnot initially, I dedicate much of my mind to trying to be understanding of and caring for others. I want to make other people happy just like I would want them to do for me. I have fucking feelings and I have enough confidence to show them because I like who I am and I don't think the whole rest of the world is superior to me. It's my fucking reality and I am #1 in my life.

I have confidence. I am very ambitious, I love myself, and I have my own personal standards that I for the most part strongly adhere to. Such standards are the reason I've never been in a relationship. Sure, I could fake some crass masculinity and fuck any girl willing to put out or settle for some bitch with no personality at all. I could fucking work out 23/7 and start acting like a goddamn jock and start only seeing all women as sex-objects -- except the fat ones, of course! But that isn't who I am. I try to see everyone as equal and I want to live in a world where both sexes are equal because I honestly don't believe it should be a big deal what genitals you have aside from the obvious functions.

I also consider myself a sexually submissive person. Maybe not just sexually but emotionally as well. I want a woman that will take care of me and show strength and dominance in the relationship just like most women want a man who would have those traits (double-standards are sooooo great!). Or at least be my equal and WANT it that way! I'd rather be a housewife than a breadwinner. I don't want to be a fucking alpha-male, and I want to be myself and someday I want to get to wear make-up and have long hair and maybe even dresses sometimes or something. Fuck you if you don't like that and that offends your socially-acceptable ass. I wanna fucking cut people like you and watch you bleed! I'd fucking castrate you, whatever... you're "open-minded", right? Ahem. Anyways, yeah, I pretty much am attracted to women who tend to be more butch except being male I would want to be with a straight butch woman. A big strong woman who cares about me and sees me as more than a fucking vicarious penis or a "protector" or a "dad" or some shit like that. I'm not your fucking dad, I want to be your friend!

I would want a relationship more emotion-based than sexual. By that I mean more like a very close friendship with some sexually intimate aspects instead of just a fling where neither really cares about the other that much, or it's all about sex and beyond that the people are only interested in eachother on a superficial level. Fuck your money, fuck social status, fuck all that, I just want a really good friend that I can get THAT close with. I think part of the reason (and this might be a bit of a stretch here) that people cannot seem to help but divide the "friendship" and "sexual relationship" aspects of their lives is that as people tend to mostly befriend people of the same gender and our society is still quite homophobic, for example, the average man (assuming he is still attracted to women as well) would NOT become a sex partner with one of his male friends... either because he would never dare think of doing that himself or also maybe because he would be afraid that his friend would reject him and stop being his friend if he asked. Therefore one gender ends up objectifying only the other gender because we won't fuck people of the same sex. I personally WISH I was attracted to men instead of women because men are more likely to have the personality traits I find desirable in a partner but still I am not attracted to penises or a V-shaped figure or facial hair or whatnot.

Anyways, yes, I am attracted to strong dominant more boyish-acting women and figured at least someday I could find someone who actually attracts me in a way that is beyond superficial (dating for the sake of dating has always seemed stupid to me), but from the way it seems apparently these types of women are next to non-existent. Seems like everywhere I fucking read it's the ALL WOMEN ARE HARD-WIRED TO WANT ALPHA-MALES WITH ALL THEIR BODIES AND THIS IS A BIOLOGICAL FACT. Some people even go as far to say that lesbians are actually straight women in denial but that is for certain bullshit.

But yes, if women in general are unattracted to men like me who aren't wanting to be father/provider/protector types, then will I ever fucking get to be "in love" like everyone in our society is supposed to or will I have to settle for homosexual relationships or just fuck girls and never get to actually have love? If a woman is attracted to a certain type of man that is fine by me, but it hurts a little to think that society by large and even apparently nature is biased against me just because I don't fit the mold of what a "real man" is supposed to be? Is there like a female equivalent to this or anything and is it present in more than one person? I don't want to believe the stereotypes but it seems like the majority of women willingly go along with this one. It wouldn't even bother me much if there wasn't so much fucking pressure to act this way. I'll be "manly" whenever I want, just don't fucking tell me what to do, okay?? I like who I am and I don't want to change it just so I can get laid or be considered socially acceptable. I don't fucking want every woman in the world, I just want one person in my life like this. Do we ask a black person to be a "real black" when he's not good at sports but still a good scientist?

P.S. -- If you're just going to come here and tell me I am pathetic and there is something wrong with me then go fucking kill yourself.

 

Im dead..

 

Good.

 

1. Not all women only want alpha-males. There are some women that prefer submissive guys, and some women (like myself) that would be in a long term relationship if with a submissive guy if the attraction was there.
2. You're in the fucking punk scene. You know that there are strong women out there that like being strong women. However, being a punk also means you see all the bullshit where relationships are too conformist and fuckfests are supposed to be fun. Not all girls want that, either. As a punk that would prefer a relationship to a fling, and as a punk that's had the fling, random sex isn't worth it, and it only hurts more when you want a relationship but settle for less.
3. Women will be attracted to your sensitivity and honesty. I know a 29 year old in a crust band. You remind me a lot of him. He's soft-spoken, nice, super-tough/scary looking (in that way that only punx can be, lip piercing, cold eyes, a few tattoos), but one of the nicest dudes I've ever met. He also seems to be attracted to strong women that can take care of themselves and emotionally care for him. He's found that. He's in a relationship with a strong, brilliant woman that fulfills his needs. You can find that, too. Don't give up hope.

Now go blast some DRI cos it's rage-o'clock and your life's about to get way better.

 

Sure will! Or maybe some +Void+, no?

 

PS: As a "strong dominant boyish-acting" woman, we do exist, we aren't all gay, we don't always crave macho-males, and sometimes it's good to have a guy that knows how to check his ego at the door, look past the urge to get laid, and settle in for a relationship.

 

Fuck yeah. I was about to start listening to Crucial Unit, myself.

 

I have nut heard 'em. Are they good?

 

I Read The OP's Raving, Raging, Rant, Not Once, But Twice.... Thats 5 Minutes Of My Life I Will Never Get Back...:bigcry:

So I Hereby Declare Myself Dead Aswell, Move Over Orison....



Cheers Glen.

 

They're killer, a great hardcore band. The first time I listened to them I was sitting on a couch with a couple of my friends. The 3 of us had a push mosh to it. On the couch.

And I'm stoked cos I just got a new Discharge cd.

 

Moshing is the best. Do you like the Germs at all?

(P.S. -- thanks for showing to me that there is some diversity in the heterosexual realm also)

 

Sometimes the truth can be good.

And what kind of a person would I be if I didn't like the Germs? I'm so mad, Reagan Youth just did a show here but it was 21+. So bummed.
Do you listen to Leftover Crack at all?

 

Haven't checked them out yet, but I really love "Fucked Reality" by Choking Victim which is apparently related to Leftover Crack? What songs by LC do ya recommend as the best ones? What kind of person would you be for liking the Germs? A lame one, I guess.

I like Reagan Youth too!! Are they really still around?

 

Yeah. They played this thing called Skullfest here.

And LC is something you just have to listen to until you find it for yourself. Sorry, not getting any help from me.

Oh, and myspace.com/barrenscepter Their guitarist/backup vox is the guy you remind me of. Seriously one of the greatest dudes I've met in a long time. Stoked he's happy.

 

"Ace of Wands" are "Bird" are pretty awesome. I have a band too but it's more influenced by early '80s hardcore but more chaotic and with some early metal/psychedelic influences as well. I am glad your friend is happy now.

 

Hell yeah. "Bird" is probably my favorite, though. "Ace of Wands" is killer live. Everyone in that band is amazing. Some of the nicest guys I've ever met.

 

He's happy. His girlfriend is a sweetheart. I'm happy for both of them.

Oldschool hardcore is so badass. Did you ever hear of Caustic Christ? Their drummer is in a new band called Killer of Sheep. They're old-school style hardcore. Fucking hilarious live, and they can play so well. Their drummer broke every one of his cymbals during their last show.