Wife's libido during menapause has dwindled considerably. What to expect now?

My wife and I have been married for 30+ years. Our sex life has varied between very good to absolutely stellar the entire time. Until now. At 51, my wife is going through menopause. Hot flashes, vaginal dryness, big mood swings, etc. I had heard about changes in sex during menopause but, as good as it was, for as long as it was, never imagined this would happen to us. Her libido has gone from healthy and strong to a little more than nonexistent. Most of the sex we have now feels obligatory. She barely gets wet anymore, when she gets wet at all.

My desire has dropped to but not nearly to the extent hers has. A huge part of a satisfying sex life for me was seeing her desire, witnessing her arousal, her animal instincts coming out getting on top and going hard and fast until she climaxed with ear piercing screams. Yes, that was standard sex fare for us. Not any more. And after nearly a year of mostly obligatory sex, as sickening as it makes me feel, I'm finding myself fantasizing more and more about having an affair, hoping to experience sexual passion again.

Have any of you experienced a big drop in libido during the first stages of menopause only to see it rebound after a while? I'm hoping that is the case with us. As big of a pig as it makes me feel to say, I'm not sure how long I can sustain what we have going on. She is the one I wanted to grow old and pass with. I have needs and desires though that seem to be getting more difficult to suppress. I don't want to let myself down, and more importantly, her. I have tried talking to her about this but it only resulted in anger from her side.

 

I can see why she got angry.
1) This is not an unhealthy libido. Assuming that she is healthy, this is HER libido and it is what it is. If she is healthy, her libido is healthy.
2) No, you don't have "needs". You have desires. And its not her job to meet your desires or your expectations.

Your wife is going through a normal aging process, which changes her. She is not broken or unhealthy. And your sounding like she isn't right, that she needs repair is .... well, I can see why she gets angry. (Plus, she probably ain't too happy about the whole menopause process anyway.)

Now, I know that you didn't mean to sound like that. But that's what she might be hearing.

Does she want to address her libido? Does she want it to change? She should talk to her doctor and/or her best friend.
Remember, this isn't about you. This is her body, her libido. Don't talk to her about what you feel or want, ask her how she feels and what she wants.

 

Ok Trap, PLEASE completely disregard the above...wow... in other words, it's her way or the highway...screw you...it's all about me.... Geez.
Different women have different physical and mental reactions to menopause. Some, their sex drive actually increase...but few of us guys are that lucky.
1) This is 2018. There are several options to address the negative traits of menopause, both the physical and the mental.
My wife began menopause last year...hot sweats every night, mood swings and vaginal bleeding (not a period...whole other thing). Obviously this was putting a dent in our sex life, and who could blame her...she felt awful and hardly felt sexy while sweating buckets and weight gain. So she went to the doctor, took a few different tries until she landed on the right drug for her.
MAJOR difference. No more hot flashes, or very mild. Moodiness gone as well as the bleeding. And her sex drive returned.
Happy Days.

Marriage is two people. Not one. What she is going through affects BOTH of you. She has to be aware of that and care enough about you and the relationship to approach fixing it. At the same time, have patience with her until she finds the right medications. This can last for 4 to 5 years. I am confident she can find the right medication... why on earth would she want to have hot flashes, weight gain, mood swings if she doesn't have to - and return to a happy sex life to boot!

 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, Iamjustme. Thanks also to MikeE. Through the roughness and tone, and probably some misinterpretation of what I was trying to convey, I do understand what you are saying.

Iamjustme - I was aware of menopause affecting different women differently. Was just hoping I'd see some replies that women lost interest during menopause only to see it return. ;-) But so it goes.

My wife and I were both aware of medications that could help. Neither know anything about them though. My assumption however was that there were some negative health consequences to taking them. Again, I do not know and have not looked in to them at all. If I may ask, what medications did your wife try and which one did she settle on? Any negative affects?

 

Bio Identical Hormones. It changed my life (and my husband's as well...he actually had a sexy, non crazy wife again). It seriously, is the best thing I've ever done. It helped with libido, with energy, with stress, with anxiety, with being to actually think clearly. There are so many pieces to this, and while I am no doctor, I've been on this therapy for six years, and I am a huge cheerleader.

Don't question that this is a "real medical thing" for her. In many ways, it's no different than if she had been diagnosed with cancer. It's a FOR REAL change in her body.

My husband and I have discussed that the loss of sex drive in women of this age probably contributes more than anything else to the divorce rate of people married 20, 30, 40 years.

Message me if you have questions.

 

Thank you for your reply! I do have some questions. Will message you when I have more time.

 

I finally got a moment and sent you a message. Thanks.

 

yes yes yes Bio Identical Hormones. My wife went thru the same period. During her no 'sex feeling time' she was kind and considerate and asked me a couple times a week if I wanted a hand job or blow job. Then she got on the hormones and balanced out and she is back to normal sex.

 

Are these from a gynocologist or OTC? Any history of increase in breast, ovarian or cervical cancer? I have two younger married sisters with a family history of breast cancer. Paternal grandmother and paternal aunt died of breast cancer. My sisters are at menopause age. Side note: They both have two daughters.

 

From what I have gathered from my wife and I don't get too deep in her stuff, She got a blood test to see if her hormones were out of wack. They were and now she gets a compound prescription of bio-identical hormone cream that she rubs on her arms. She had it adjusted several times. The other issues you mentioned are outside of my knowledge but I know they were discusses with her Dr.

 

These re not OTC. Not necessarily a gyn either. Many gynecologists aren't in tune with this. You may need to go to a hormone specialist.

Read both of Suzanne Sommers' books on the subject...and go to sottopelle website (first to market). I am not a medical professional.

My mom had breast cancer in her late 40s so this puts me at a higher risk. All I can tell you is...FROM MY PERSPECTIVE...for me it's worth the risk. These hormones have changed my life, in more than my libido...I can think again, I have energy, I am enjoying life. For me, any risk is worth it. But that has to be between a woman and her medical provider to decide.

 

Thanks to you and all the others for the replies. Things have deteriorated since my original post. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought menopause could change a women so drastically. It's not just about the loss of a libido any more. She has gone from a sweet person to outright mean, and I'm more frequently wondering if she's going insane. I'm hoping the sweet wife I knew is still in there, some where and that she will bounce back to something resembling her former self. How long did it take for the Bio Identical Hormones to work for your wife? (that is a question all are welcome to answer)

Thanks!

 

went threw same thing. It hurt wife to have sex for a while she wouldn t use lube afraid of cancer . she said not putting any thing in her.. Wouldn t take Hormal pills eather..Luckly she has got better no longer hurts . so there is hope.. She still doesn t have the desire like use to. But once get going she enjoys it now.. She ll never start it any more. But don t turn me away and not pain full.. It all part of getting old. Hopefully it will get better for you. Good luck

 

I TRUELY HOPE SHE GETS THE HELP SHE NEEDS QUICKLY. They made a difference within a day or so. Hormones off balance can reek hovok on a relationship.

 

Be patient and try be nice to her. Give her space and time.. She should come around.. I know just what you going threw. it s tuff but don t push her to hard on sex ..Told doc can help lot if she takes pills?? M wife wouldn t because of cancer risks. But she is back to being a great wife . Sex life never be like once was. But she ll go for once a week . Just need realy take time be nice.. Good LUCk!!!In time she will get better. They all diff when go threw change.. Just part of getting old

 

I agree don't pressure her just take matters in your own greasy hands. Sex is just an ego thing anyway. Just love her for who she is, period.

 

I found TCM herbs that enhance the sex big time even after menopause!!

I could not find anything but big pharma and nothing for women but these herbs worked great!

They are from a TCM Doctor who works in Canada. Thanks to him I have sex back in my life with no pain and plenty of sensation and lubrication! Wow

Back to being juicy lucy again but have a deeper sensation when I take these herbs! I am so happy now.

 

Thanks. Would you be willing to share what these herbs are?

Thanks to everyone for their replies!

 

First time I got them, it probably took six weeks before I really saw a change. But she has to find the right doctor, who truly understands them. Check out sottopelle.com. This is the company that introduced the concept to the marketplace.

 

Here's an update. My wife went to her Dr to talk about bio identical hormones. It was no surprise that this Dr wanted to prescribe regular hormones instead. Regardless, nothing could be done right then, except remove her IUD, which the Dr did. A couple weeks before, she started taking ArginMax, a clinically studied natural libido enhancer which has proven effective for some. She also had her thyroid checked. Her hormone levels were out of whack so her meds were adjusted.

Not sure if it was mostly a single thing that helped, or a combination of the above but, she's back! A different person than two months ago. She's nice and enjoying porn and sex again, going hard and being loud. While she's not producing the lubricant she was 2 years ago (to be expected at her age, I think), there's more than what's needed. Relieved to have a connection again with the one I love. Can't deny it either. It feels damned good to be back inside a hot and hungry vagina!!