Wife Used To Like Anal

My wife and I have been married for five years and together for 10 . About three years ago I noticed that it seemed like she was not enjoying anal as much as she did earlier . Before that time She would happily initiate anal . I was the one usually initiating sex in general but she was happy to initiate anal when she did initiate. And she would say things during sex like " this feels so much better than my pussy ". It really seemed like she enjoyed it a lot . It feels like she has been slowly cooling down on anal over the last three years . We have had some big life changes because we are in grad school and now have a 15-month-old . I know that pregnancy and postpartum can change sexual preferences for a while but that doesn't really explain the change before she got pregnant . The problem is that I enjoy anal a lot. I also really loved it she loved it to . I really get off on Her enjoying herself . So now my two main desires seem to be conflicting with each other rather than working well together . When we do vaginal more of the time I feel frustrated because I miss anal But it also seems like she is sort of neutral with anal And so I feel like she is not enjoying herself . She doesn't start things for anal anymore And since the pregnancy she has been having less orgasms in general but it seems like less with anal . Doesn't say hot sexy things anymore . So when we do Anil I feel like it's just for me and it's not as hot which also leave me feeling frustrated . When I try to talk to her about it She gives me vague side step answers Like " I really like that you like it " or says " it felt really good " after a session where she hardly made a peep. I really could use some advice on how to work this out . I don't wanted to be one of those chronic problems that gets bigger overtime . We are both highly invested in this relationship but I think we both want to be sexually satisfied also . Help?

 

Have you talked to her about it?

 

Communication goes a long way,

Best of luck.

Take care,

 

need a good open discussion

 

I have tried. Like I said she gets evasive when I ask about it. I have tried to get past that but either I give up or she gets annoyed.

 

She sounds tired, and could possibly be feeling unappreciated. Are you helping with the baby? Housework? I wouldn't let my man fuck me in the ass if I felt like he was taking me for granted.

I think you should cook dinner for her, give her a full body massage, and let her relax. Don't try and initiate sex. And then do that at least once more per week.

Also, did your wife have a natural delivery? My friend had a baby about a year and a half ago, a vaginal birth. She said she's had hemorrhoids ever since. Bad ones. And the doctor basically said that they would be there forever.

Ahh, the stuff no one tells you about having a baby.

 

I do what I can arround the house. I I am sure I could Do more.
Also it was a C section

 

I'm a midwife, you would be surprised the extent a delivery (and pregnancy for that matter) can damage the anus and surrounding nerves.

 

you mean to say a female can stop enjoying anal after pregnancy or delivery ?

this is new for me ........ before that what anatomy i have in my mind , that rectum and intestine basically have junction of arteries . and when they get rub they create kind of sensation which human feel as pleasure this is why anal sex is use to be called addiction because humans get addicted to that sensation .

for me those junctions of arteries are hundreds in count and basically they are needed their so we can control . as a sensors you can say .
now i understand that they can get damage during or pregnancy or at the time of delivery . but i think they must get fix back as well otherwise ..........

i am sorry but this is what whole picture i have in my mind yet .......

please explain if you can .

 

Yes they can often repair through time but damage may need 3+ years to heal and that's before you get to issues of needing surgery, prolapse (both vaginal and rectal) and generally a post labour body being battered, exhausted and leaking for months and years.

I am a community midwife in the NHS here in England, I deal primarily with pre and after labour care (and some home births), around 60% of women who have had no medical intervention during labour (that's to say no doctor or consultant led delivery or induction) will face some damage to the rectum as the result of delivery.
With regard c-section, this is obviously a little different (although some women can have reached as far as stage 3 delivery and will have already had some damage occur) however internal swelling post op (although not indirect contact) can cause sensitivity for a long time - this is MAJOR abdominal surgery. Pregnancy can also cause a merriad symptoms which are not always identified in cutesy pregnancy books. Women who I treat in the latter stages of pregnancy may have severe swelling externally and internally which can take some years to calm.

Women are also conditioned post pregnancy to be as maternal as possible (it's almost like a competition) so those who may have PND and not feel an instant bond tend to go into hyperdrive of wanting to appear as maternal/motherly/womanly as possibly. So whilst a return to vaginal sex (although possibly painful) may be seen as "normal" anal sex may psychologically be deemed "dirty", "unwomanly" and "unmotherly".

This is obviously not speaking for all women, however I tend women from 21+ weeks pregnant through to 3-4 weeks post labour and run breastfeeding clinics and lisase with various women's groups for adding in extra term care for women in their first year after birth. The impact of birth on a body is in no way spoken about at a level at which it should be. If you take a book like What to Expect When You're Expecting (I think the most purchased pregnancy/birth book on the planet), it probably contains about 2% of the relevant non-clinical information regarding impact of birth on an adult woman's body.

All a bit of a ramble.

They say the first 1000 days of a baby's life is the most important (from conception onward) but this is also an incredibly sensitive and highly pressured time for a woman's body too. That's not to say her thirst for anal won't return but equally it might be off the cards for the foreseeable.

 

Huge ramble by the way, so sorry for that. At a train station and bored!

 

Well I tried to talk to her about it today . Did not go very well. I did find out that my love of the sexy dirty talk was making her feel so pressured she couldn't enjoy yourself. Going to try to work on that. But the rest of it boiled down to "I don't care about your hurt feelings."

Feeling like the thing I enjoy about sex is the problem and she won't work with me in anyway. Also not ok to have hurt feelings. I am referring to feeling undesired

Not painful btw

 

Sex is a privilege, not a right! You sound inconsiderate and lacking empathy to for your wife's needs at this time.

She had a baby a year and a half ago. She is probably exhausted, especially if she is back to work.

Stop being so selfish, hold her, and tell her it's okay that she doesn't want to have anal sex.

Have you helped around the house yet?

 

Yes I have helped with house and baby. I help her study as we are in the same grad program and I am a bit ahead.

I was a bit upset when I posted earlier. So I may not have been clear.
I did not say something like "Hey b$&@$ give me anal"
I did express feelings of be undesired and missing the past. I am pretty sure that I should be able to say that. I don't think that having these feelings after 2+ years makes me an asshole. It doesn't seem right to be furious over me saying how I feel

 

Maybe she is feeling frustrated and angry because you aren't listening to her! She doesn't want to have anal sex. Get over it.

I'd be furious if my husband kept bringing up something I didn't want to do.

You are an adult. Grow the fuck up. Your wife just had a baby! I'm sure the last thing she wants to do is get fucked in the ass. I guarantee you her body is not the same as it was prior to her becoming pregnant.

 

I agree. We are adults and she can choose what she wants to do.

I just don't think it is right to completely disregard your partner of 10 years when they come to you with their feelings. I am not saying you have to do what they want but you don't get to attack and name call and tell them that their feelings don't matter and that only yours matter.

And before someone says it. I did not do that myself. I did not get past the point of having a conversation saying"hey i miss this you know"

 

I'm only getting your side of the story here, and judging by how defensive you've been getting, I do wonder exactly how you've approached this with her.

And like I said, sex is a privilege, not a right. Being married doesn't give you a free pass for sex whenever you want. No means no. And she shouldn't have to justify her reasons.

 

Well, i am being honest about how I opened. Personally I get your suspicion. I think it is uncalled for. I like to stay aware of weaknesses in my arguements and head them off so the thread stays on topic.

Obviously things didn't stay friendly or I would not be here.

And if I wanted to make a major change to our sex life I would feel compelled to say why.

 

You don't seem to understand that she has gone through such a life altering event which can have changed her outlook to her body and also her sexuality. Becoming a mother is a huge psychological leap and return to previous sexual inclinations don't happen for the majority of post natal women for sometime and for many not at all. It isn't just psychical damage, it's a huge psychological leap. HUGE, you will never comprehend.

Take this as a time to learn to adapt to that. Try new things, let her confidence re-grow, allow her to feel like you aren't inside her vagina, pumping away wishing it was her arsehole. She may well come back to enjoying it but I tell you this now, she won't if you keep pressuring her over and over about your needs. Yes you may have needs and desires but having a baby, being post natal, having the psychological changes and physical interruption to her body of pregnancy, major surgery, body flexing back, post labour contractions along with post grad, possible PND and caring for a baby means for a while (2-3 years) her needs trump yours. Also any person who doesn't want to do something sexually has the right not to and their needs trump the needs to the person who wants to.

I love anal, in fact I prefer it so I'm not saying this a woman being fearful of cock up her arse but you are being a selfish Bastard.

 

Well I love swearing and name calling as much as the next guy but I try not to do it.

Again I started this thread to ask for advice. I opened the conversation as politely as I could. I thought that at at least gotten a "I hear you but I'm not there right now" rather than a vigerous lashing. Also if I can't be expected to understand then shouldn't I be given some chance to before punishment.