Why would he masturbate instead of having sex with me

are you still attractive.....do you look after your grooming?
do you wear perfume at home, keep yourself clean.........any and all of these questions can and do turn a man off.
start thinking whether you have changed since you married.
if you can answer positively to all of these, if you know men look at you still with sex on their minds........then your man is finding your sexual assertiveness off-putting.
try the old reverse psychology trick......begin going out all dressed up.......do not initiate any sex..... say you don't want it.......keep this up for two weeks...and tell us what happens.ok?

 

Yes, I am still attractive. I keep myself very clean and put together. I usually only wear perfume at home. He expects me to shut my mouth and let everything go and not ruin everyone's holidays. in other words, let everyone, especially him, have a nice holiday and screw how I feel.

 

"He expects me to <removed superfluous words> not ruin everyone's holidays."

Well that would be a start on getting laid sometime soon, I'm sure.
All men masturbate. Get over yourself.

 

Why? Why do ALL men masturbate? If you are looking at one of those mags where the women arent even completely naked, they have on skimpy bikinis, what is going thru your mind when you look at that pic, the woman isnt even completely naked but you can get a hard on and cum?

 

i masturbate frequently, too. maybe you aughtta masturbate as well. it'll release a lot of pent up tension.

 

people masturbate because people are sexual. sometimes some alone time is good. i think you seriously need to chill out.... you are undoubtedly stressing your partner out as well, which makes him feel less inclined to engage in sex with you, whihc means hell masturbate more... you are facilitating a very nasty cycle for yourself here.

 

I have a couple questions before I make an opinion about this situation.

1. How many times do the two of you have sex per month?

2. How many times per month does he masturbate?

I just want to know the ratio.

Peace and love

 

Why do all humans eat? You tell me, I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain why things are the way they are. They just are.

 

my best advice to you honey, FIND A FUCK BUDDY ON THE SIDE"

sounds like you just need a good night of getting laid, you have too much
frusterated sexual tention..lol...
good luck...

 

I would say we have probably had sex about 60 times, maybe 80 at the most this entire year. He masturbates just about every time he is home alone which is several times a week.

As for you thinking about having sex with the person in the mag or the video, then why does he say he doesnt think anything, his mind just goes blank?

 

because he's afraid of how you'll react to the fact that he's masturbating to other women, even if it's his own personal fantasy. And based on all you've said here, you WOULD freak out. By putting negative connotations and being jealous of his masturbation, you've made your partner afraid to be open and honest with you, and now he feels guilty about his own sexual alone-time (which we all desire and NEED) so he hides from you what he's really feeling.

80 times having sex in a year is an average of about 6 or 7 times a month, and to clue you in to the realities of life, it is a really good record for a married couple with kids - many people have it even less frequently.

Masturbation is something we humans naturally do alone, without anyone else. Are you going to deny your husband the right to have time alone to himself to enjoy his own sexual fantasies? We all have them - partnering up with someone and making a commitment to them does not mean that our minds don't wander - it does not mean that he loves your or desires you any less. It's the fact that you've put the negative label on it and invaded his personal space that makes him desire you less!

Masturbation and partnered sex are two completely different things, but you seem to have a really hard time grasping this concept.

And it sounds like you always approach the subject in an accusatory manner. He's not going to open up to you if you keep bringing it up the way you do...in fact, based on you freaking out over this, he's going to probably not even want to talk about it ever again. You, yes, YOU are hurting your relationship with your husband by invading his personal space.

I think you need to seek your own therapy, and after some time of that if you've discovered some things in your marriage that need work, try to have your husband join you. Perhaps even try to find a sex therapist who can help you both work these tensions out. If he doesn't want to join you, don't push him. Go yourself and see what kind of answers you can find. If he sees you taking a more relaxed approach to both your sexualities, then he might want to join you in order to try and fix things.

Furthermore, I have to say that some of the ways you "come on" to your husband (ie. sticking his phallus in your mouth, grabbing at him, etc.) would be considered very creepy if it were done by someone of the opposite sex...what I mean by this is if a guy started grabbing his woman's breasts and fondling her in other ways when she was showing no visible signs of being in the mood, he might be looked down upon for making unwanted advances. Think about how your husband might feel when you keep pressuring him - it makes him want to do it less. The one night you described where you got all prettied up and sultry and just acted slightly seductive without being pushy, you guys had a great night of lovemaking. Try doing more of that and less of the grabby stuff. Pushyness in either of the genders is an extreme turn-off to most people. For once, stop thinking of your own needs and think of how your pursuit of them is hurting your relationship. Focus more of your energy on your emotional bond and see what happens from there.

But I don't think you'll understand or get anything I'm saying here, because any time one of us gives any advice you stick your fingers in your ears as if to say, "la la la, I'm not listening!" and either get defensive or rattle on more reasons about why you get jealous. Since no one is telling you what you want to hear, which is, "what a bastard, you poor thing!" you shut down and don't listen. I think you have bigger problems than your husband's masturbating.

 

I agree I have problems and I am seeing a psychotherapist once a week. I do appreciate EACH AND EVERY comment that has been made. It all boils down to this: He was choosing to masturbate instead of being with me. We went from having a relatively normal sexual relationship to it seeming like he never wanted to be with me. That is when I started wondering what was going on. I never confronted him on this until the night first mentioned in my post. (And this has been going on since at least the first of 2007.) I readily admit that I was accusatory, but you have to understand, my husband looked me straight in the eye and LIED about things, even to the point of promising that he is telling the truth when he knows he is lying, and at first I didnt even accuse him of masturbating, I just asked him if he had watched one of the videos I bought for us. He said, no I promise I havent ever watched them. It turned out he was watching one he had put up separate from the other ones, one that I had forgotten we had. (It came as a freebie from Adam and Eve.) Anyway, I am miserable, very miserable and I know a lot of it is of my own making and I want to quit feeling this way, but I do feel like he betrayed me, if only for lying. I dont like feeling this way. I guess I just always assumed I was the only woman for him and now I feel like he would rather be with someone else. It is stupid I know, but dammit, I cant help that it hurts me like hell to know he was imagining being with someone else, even if it was only a fantasy. As for the ways I came on to him, I never just grab and grope him. I dont know.... I guess to put it in a nutshell I am a crazy, psycho bitch who is jealous as hell that my husband would rather jack off to a pic/video than to experience whatever sexual fantasy he might have with me. I cant help how I feel, but to know that he can go downstairs into our boys bathroom when no one is home and get one of those Stuff or Maxim magazines and get a hard on and cum to a picture of a woman who isnt even naked while he says he isnt thinking of anything, frustrates the hell out of me, I wanna just sit here and cry. You have to understand, I have given EVERYTHING I have to this man. I have always made him feel wanted and loved. I have always made more money than him (and no this doesnt bother him) and he has always had all the latest toys and gadgets a man could want. He gets a new truck every 2 or 3 years, I spend as much if not more money on him at Christmas than I do our boys. I take care of all our finances so he doesnt have to worry about it. He likes it this way, so it isnt like I just stepped in and took over. I did it so he wouldnt have to worry about it, and trust me, he likes it that he doesnt have to worry about who is owed what and when it is due. His biggest worry is what he is going to have for lunch each day. Mind you, I am not knocking him, he keeps our cars spotless, he does a lot of really nice things for me, I just feel like our sex life is kaput right now. I have always had a high sex drive and if I even mentioned something that would make him think I wanted sex, he would immediately try to pick a fight or start giving me excuses that let me know we wouldnt be doing anything that night. He freaked out when I first mentioned buying a video. Said he didnt want that "trash" in our house, that when you are with someone you dont need porn. (but yet he was masturbating to mags at this time.) He has always tried to make me feel like a slut for loving sex or like something is wrong with me.

We have watched that video together twice now. The first time we had a decent night of lovemaking afterward. But night before last, he totally freaked out, couldnt believe I was getting turned on by watching 2 women, although he was laying there with a hardon. Then we turned the video off and he went limp. Said it was because I wasted too much time watching the video. He was able to get it back up, but ONLY if I sucked him and then he got in his favorite position to cum.

So.... yes, I truly value each and every response I have gotten and I reread them often just to see the different views and what can help me. I know this is an issue for me and that I am being stupid, but how do I quit feeling that way? How do I quit being jealous of some woman in a mag/video that he has obviously thought/wished/fantasized about being with? I HATE feeling this way. I hate being jealous. I have never been jealous like this before. Even when I was dating a guy who was cheating on me left and right, it NEVER bothered me like this does. I want to understand why and to quit feeling this way, but it is like I tell my husband, 1-2 visits isnt going to magically "cure" me of whatever it is making me feel this way.

 

OMG-SEE WHAT I MEAN-he was on here posting, not that I care, but look at what the hell he wrote about me. I always keep ME logged in, and I am not TALESR, that is him, has to be him, no one else using this computer except me and him-TELL ME NOW I DONT HAVE A REASON TO BE PISSED>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

you seem to be awfully quick to accept judgements of your behavior and feelings. to me you don't seem stupid at all, just horny and frustrated. in the situation you describe, i'd be tempted to slap a chastity device on the guy to which i have the only key, lol. hey, he's just as responsible for keeping your sex life alive as you are. what is he doing to improve the situation so you'll both be satisfied?

 

He is not doing anything other than posting under a masturbation topic that he would rather masturbate than be with me. I was thinking of leaving anyway, but he had asked that I not "RUIN" everyone's holidays. He can kiss my ass now. By 4:10 p.m. I will be out of here. You know, I posted wanting help and advice and everyone pretty much stated I was wrong to feel like I do. Check out the posts under TALESR on masturbation. I know my only child still at home did NOT post this stuff.

 

it just isnt working for me I can have sex with her but a here lately it is hit or miss if I get off during it

WTF??? Yes, I am going to stay here like a meek and obedient child, right! When pigs fly. It is very apparent to me that I am the only one who has made any effort to fix this even though I still feel I did nothing wrong other than love him and try to have a fulfilling sex life with my spouse. He is the one who was having sexual thoughts about someone else (No, I do NOT care if it was someone he never would have the opportunity to be with anyway.) and making promises to my face knowing at the time he is doing it that he was lying. I am stupid, stupid for staying as long as I have trying to fix things. I used to have a backbone, but I have somehow tried to make this my fault, my problem and my responsibility to fix it. I can only "fantasize" myself how he will try to "lie" out of this. He would rather do it himself, there you go folks, IN HIS OWN WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

personally, this guy sounds to me like a porn addict. porn addicts can be very, very frustrating to their sexual partners...expecially in an exclusive relationship. maybe some people can deal with sex once a month with someone who'd rather wank to porn...but not everyone can or wants to.

you two are pissed at each other & aren't coming at this difference of opinion from a loving place. maybe some time apart will help the two of you to rediscover what brought you together in the first place. if you've got a family together, there's more involved than the selfish sexual desires of either of you. if you can't find a compromise and decide to go your separate ways, try not to let your anger at each other affect the decisions you make that affect your whole family.

 

I think a lot of his "situation" is that he was a virgin when we met. He had never done ANYTHING with anyone except maybe a couple of kisses. I wonder if a lot of his masturbating is his way of trying to "be with someone" else, you know what I mean? I know he has been a lot more vocal lately about flirting with waitresses, being cute when we are out, not sexual flirting, just being silly I guess. I know he told me the other night when we were talking that he basically would have sex with anyone, any race any age that looked good. (Not being racial at all, we are far from being prejudiced and also they would have to be of legal age.) Just stating that he did not say, no I would not be with ANYONE else because I am married, which is what you think the standard INITIAL response would be, so this led me to believe he has been thinking about it. I asked him once if he wanted another female in our relationship and instead of saying no, he was like who? So, maybe he wants that, but the more I think about it, I just do not know if I am that "open". It is not my fault he did not have any sexual experience. Maybe he just got with me because he thought I was his only chance. He was 22 when we met.

 

If you LOVE SEX and he checks out his neighbors alot that might be a problem eh?

Try giving him more handjobs?

 

Sounds about right. He's way ready to move on and see how the other grass is. I hope you two didn't wait until marriage to have sex. He would be waiting and waiting and waiting, and when he finally gets to have sex, it's anti-climactic and he's ready to move on. Better to go ahead and have sex before marriage so that you know he's there because he wants to be with YOU.

People say 'midlife crisis' like it's some kind of temporary insanity. I think it's more like they're growing up and finally learning to speak up for what they want. You may see it as he's acting childish and not holding up his end of the relationship, but he's probably never really wanted the relationship in the first place. And he's finally coming to terms with that.

LMAO!!