Why would he masturbate instead of having sex with me

Discussion in 'Masturbation' started by whynotme, Sep 26, 2007.

  1. whynotme

    whynotme Member

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    I have been married for almost 14 years. I love sex and would do it anytime my husband wanted to. In fact, I have never once turned him down. It has never been a big deal to him, but here lately I have discovered that he is masturbating a lot. (Yes, I played the sneaky wife and found out for SURE that he is doing this.) He openly flirts with other women, checks out women, things he has never done before. He has even made comments in front of people that have gotten back to me like, hey check her out. She is hot. And about one of our neighbors, he made the comment when she was pulling into her driveway, no no no, dont park behind the truck, I wanna see that. Said to someone else he drove real slow by her driveway, acting like he had dropped something in the floor so he had an excuse to be looking her way. Anyway, I know for a fact he has been masturbating, but he denies it. For instance, last night, I left and when I got back I found evidence of him having masturbated. I checked the laundry and there was only 1 towel in the bag and it was dry before I left. When I checked it upon my return, it was wet and had sticky and dried cum spots on it. I didnt say anything and initiated and sex and he got into it, I was even giving him a blowjob in the position he LOVES (usually only takes him a minute to cum in this position) and he ended up saying, my legs hurt, cant do it in this position. I am tired. So he started to make love to me and it went limp. He could NOT perform. This is really hurting my feelings and I dont understand why he would rather masturbate than be with me. He denies doing this, but I am very crafty and have my ways of knowing for sure that he is doing this. Any advice?
     
  2. Cutted

    Cutted Cutted

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    Whynotme - all guys masturbate, even happily married ones. It is a stress-reducing habit that is very common. You should not feel cheated if he masturbates at times rather than have sex with you. If he masturbates all the time and does not have sex with you, talk with him about it or have couples counseling.

    The show "Tell Me You Love Me" on HBO currently deals with this exact issue.
     
  3. Allonym

    Allonym cheesecake slut

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    masturbation is normal and healthy for any gender. wanting to masturbate has nothign to do with his sexual desire for you (well, little to do with it)

    i vote that you try-talking- to your guy about it, see if he has new stressors in his life that are making it more difficult for him to get aroused in a partnered situation. i know tha tpersonally, right now, my libido is damn near dead and i cant get turned on around my partner very easiliy, let alone orgasm. stress does shitty things to our sex drives
     
  4. whynotme

    whynotme Member

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    That is the problem though. He never wants to have sex with me anymore, maybe once a month and I LOVE SEX. He always has an excuse as to why he doesnt want to, he will even pick a fight with me before bedtime if the thinks I am going to want ot have sex, but 80% of the time he is willing to "play with it" for me so I can get some relief. But... I know men look at women and I know most men masturbate. But this has gotten to the point where I am doubting myself and my attractiveness. When he jacks off just about EVERY time he is home alone and NEVER initiates sex with me, it just makes me wonder what the heck is going on.
     
  5. Allonym

    Allonym cheesecake slut

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    TALK TO HIM
    not just blaming him for no sex, not a confrontational "why wont you fuck me" kind of way, but ask whats goign on in his life, if he can think of what might be affecting his libido that way, that youre ok with it you just want to make sure that hes ok or is getting back towards a more normal place. feeling pressued to have sex is NO FUN at all, it sucks, youf eel like a failure cuz you cant work it with your wonderful partner so you just withdraw further and further the mor ethey push for sex

    TALK TO HIM about it, ask whats going on in his life
     
  6. whynotme

    whynotme Member

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    I have asked and he denies it. He denies masturbating. He denies making comments about other women. He says he is too tired to have sex, it's too late in the evening to have sex,....... He gets mad and wont talk. I have even let him know that it is affecting my self esteem and he tells me I am crazy. I am telling you, he would rather jack off than have sex with me. This has gotten more frequent of late. Just about EVERY time he is home alone he masturbates. I have bought videos, toys, etc... he wont watch with me, but let me leave the house and he is jacking off. I have even let him know I am open to anything, any kind of sex, even him masturbating in front of me. He tells me I am sick or makes me feel bad for having a high sex drive.
     
  7. Haid

    Haid Member

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    Unfortunately only he knows why. Maybe some kind of counseling can help you guys get over your communication problems.
     
  8. His Eden

    His Eden Queen of Mean

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    He might be having some performance issues. Maybe the only way he can stay hard is trhough masturbation because he can use more stimulation etc.

    I agree with Haid about counseling. Even if he doesn't want to go you should. No one should have to feel bad about thier sexuality, so don't let this destroy your self esteem. Talk to someone. It is okay for you to enjoy sex!!!
     
  9. ILoveMyGirlfriend

    ILoveMyGirlfriend Member

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    Not trying to sound negative but in my past relationships and experience from friends when I didn't want to have sex anymore. I just wasn't really attracted anymore. No matter what she did it really just wasn't doing it for me. So I would turn to masturbation. Also some of my friends when they stopped having sex with their mate it was because they were having sex with another girl.
     
  10. whynotme

    whynotme Member

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    I tried to talk to him tonight, but.... he just got mad, still denied everything though he tripped himself up in a lie about the things he said about the neighbor and said I was just trying to "trap" him in a lie.... Guess it is time to end it if he cant even tell the truth....
     
  11. seamonster66

    seamonster66 discount dracula

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    Sorry, but he is bored with you sexually. Approach it with that in mind, either try to spice it up, get used to it, or move on.

    I'm not saying its your fault, but there is no question thats the case when you consider he only wants sex once a month, yet masturbates frequently.

    Not uncommon
     
  12. Allonym

    Allonym cheesecake slut

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    im gonnan quote from another board i post on, not my story but from another poster
    if youg et accusational about him masturbating, OF COURSE hes gonna go and do it when you arent around and not admit to it. i dunno, you may be approachign it in a non accusational way, you may be opena dn kindhearted and accepting etc etc etc but a lot of people will lie and worm their way into more lies when theyre feelin accused or guilty over something. he probably feels liek shit for not wanting to fuck you, or not being able to, but cant admit it to you
     
  13. whynotme

    whynotme Member

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    I have tried being nice, being angry, telling him I didnt care, that he could even masturbate for me as I would find that a big turnon, but anytime I mention that he acts like I am a slut or a freak. He is affectionate in the sense that every morning he will kiss me bye and tell me he loves me, he caters to me by doing things for me, but when it comes to sex---it is a closed door. He will NOT talk. He just acts like I am crazy or slutty. But I know he is doing this. I KNOW HE IS! and I dont understand why, unless like the other posters say, he just isnt attracted to me anymore. I know 90% of the time we have sex, he always wants to do it side to side with me facing away from him. Is that a sign that he is imagining I am someone else?
     
  14. gjg

    gjg Member

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    I think i can help you here.first, youre pussy itself hasent gone out of style-they never do.This is gonna sound crude, but since im a pervert, what the guy probably needs is some perverted shit to get him interested again. Tell him to jerk off for you while you show him your pussy for starters. Then, find out he does it , and learn to do it like a man. Its hard work, and none of thyt tender slow tugging crap-grab it like you mean it and toss it off like a champ. I dont have a GF, but when i see hookers, i always jerk off while i stare at and play with their cunts.You might also try dressing up like a total slut, with heavey makeup and rouge and dark red lipstick. We get so tired of banging that some old tired stuff ! Get a few wigs- a blonde one. I remember i used to fuck black hookers in Oakland that loked just great with a blonde wig on.Get red one and a black one to. Dress up in stockings and heels and jerk him off all over your face.let him fuck your mouth hard. Just my two cents.Talk to him dirty and ask him to be your dirty slutty little cock whore. Let him fuck your ass.If that doesnt bring him around he's gay.watch porno with him. If he still doesnt get turned on suggest sucking a nother womans pussy while he watches-you dont really have to though. Then if all this shit doesnt work tell him to go to Stockholm and get a sex change. Then call me :drool:
     
  15. whynotme

    whynotme Member

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    Very interesting... but please believe me when I say I have done and/or tried all that. So... it must just be me he isnt turned on my anymore.
     
  16. Haid

    Haid Member

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    Most likely it is problems within your relationship. Sex is the first to go. If you can't find a way to non-judgementally talk to him and have him open up to you then it not going to improve.
     
  17. whynotme

    whynotme Member

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    Should I mention that he was a virgin when we met and has never had sex with anyone else?
     
  18. gjg

    gjg Member

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    No.
     
  19. whynotme

    whynotme Member

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    I mean, mention that to you guys, not to him. Do you think he could be experiencing a midlife crisis or something and wanting to know what it is like to be with someone else?
     
  20. Lady of the Freaks

    Lady of the Freaks Senior Member

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    he sounds too emotionally immature to have a monogamous relationship with. cut him loose and tell him to go get his jollies.
     

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