Why do we like being told we're beautiful more than

being told we are smart?
This bothers me to no end. I try so hard to be confident and act like as long as I take care of myself I do not care about compliments and besides I should be focused on developing the inside but sure enough this is never the case. I get upset if an entire day goes by without a stranger or co-worker (someone unbiased) telling me I'm pretty, yet when I am told that I am smart I brush it off and could care less.
I just feel like if I am not the prettiest girl in the room I am worthless and I hate feeling that way, being that dependent on other's approval and my own vanity. I will actually want to leave and go to another bar if there are women there who are much better looking than me. I have no probs having friends prettier than me (because I know their flaws) but when it comes to strangers I get so insecure. How can I admire other women for their beauty rather than measuring myself up to them?
How does one go about changing this?

 

I don't know how you would change it. Seems to me that its a core value issue... meaning you value looks over intelligence, at least in yourself, as if you didn't, this wouldn't be an issue.

It might be because of how women are raised. Like if, as a child, you were shown or told how important it is for a woman to be pretty, you would subconsciously carry that with you as an adult. Like if your Mom was always saying "you must always look your best in public" you become hardwired that way?

I was raised by a grandmother who told me that "looks fade" and to "use your brain". As an adult, I would much rather have someone comment on my intelligence than my hair colour. In fact, I probably go overboard trying to highlight my intelligence. Makes me shallow, i know... which sucks. But is doing the National Crossword in pen really any different than wearing a push-up bra and a low cut shirt? Both of us are just showing off what we deem to be our greatest asset, right?

 

nvm

 

I think it is how I was raised. I was a really good looking child. People always told my mom I looked like an adult woman in a little kids body (unfortunatley something changed once I hit puberty lol). But I was also kinda dumb as a rock until after puberty and really uncoordinated so it was the only thing I felt I had going for me or was of importance. My grandma would always tell me when I got a bad report card not to worry about it because people see 'prettiness and not foolish grades given by old and unmarried teachers'.
How does one uncondition that, especially when the job I hold now and my future jobs place so much importance on looks?

 

hahaha... and I really wasn't all that attractive as a child. Really cute until about 5, then all hell broke loose! Plus, I was paralyzed until I was about 4, so that also may have had something to do with it! So, no doubt the importance of different things were pointed out to us as children!

I really don't know how you would change it though... i mean, it IS hardwired into us as children. Build a time machine to go back in time and change it before it became ingrained?

On the other side of things, I do often wish that I cared more about appearance. My sister recently graduated from high school, and looked amazing in her $400 dress... i bought my grad dress for $30 from a Salvation Army, and while still looking good, I didn't look nearly as good as I could have if I cared a bit more about looking my best.

So maybe we could do a psyche-split? I get half of your headframe, and you get half of mine? We might be balanced then!

 

ha sounds like a deal!!! Thanks that post made me feel a lost better I guess just being so pretty as a kid and so average as an adult is hard...need to move on and get over it though

Did you have delayed spinal growth or just slow neurological development or a different cns problem?

 

I was told I was a useless, hideously ugly little piece of shit throughout my childhood into my early teens.


The focus on my looks came in highschool after I bloomed.
There was so much focus on my looks...I now find it intrusive to be hit on in public, it makes me want to slink away into darkness.

Matter of fact, when I first joined this forum nobody knew if I was a guy or a girl. I didn't put up pics, & whatnot until I got into a couple heated debates on feminism. Figured I'd kill that- you're just bitter because you're a fat ugly bitch, attitude I get when discussing women's rights on the internet.

I can relate... Asks self- What has more value to you? Personally, I'm going to try focusing on that more in the future.

*hugs*

 

I actually had this weird cancer-type thing that ate away at a couple of my vertebra, which cause one to collapse against my spinal cord, which in turn rendered me paralyzed until the doctors came up with a sollution. They injected me with some sort of thing that cause my bone to regenerate to point that it was no longer pinned against my spinal cord... but it's still a lot smaller than the other vertebra and I am about an inch shorter than I would have been if not for all the medical crap i went through.

So, at 4, I could read a book but couldn't jump rope. Was really physically delayed for a time... but had caught up by the time I was in grade 2.

Am totally fine and healthy now thou... well, physically... mentally, I am a little twisted, but who isn't, right?

 

This is kinda hokey, saw it floating 'round the net in several places...Seemed appropriate to put it here.

 

I heard that story awhile ago took awhile before I fully understood it though

 

I am glad they found a solution and you have full range. What a difficult experience to go through as a child.

yeah I'm completley crazy I know it I've come to terms with it. I'd rather be anxious and too nice than apathetic and bitchy though so I take half of what they tell me to take and I feel alive again, crazy but alive lol

 

We are shown, day in and day out, that being attractive is equated to being more successful. Also, I don't know very many people who *seek out* the "ugly" people to hang out with and procreate with. Most people, NO NOT EVERYONE, but most people seek to hook up with folks that they find attractive, and that typically is their first sight of a person.

Biologically, there are certain factors that make up "attractiveness" and certain things that most people are attracted to. It is an actual physiological thing. We certainly can overcome this, with our attitudes, personal tastes, culture, etc.

Since we are taught from the moment we are born (most of us) that looks are important, we place a high emphasis on this sort of flattery. You don't often hear someone say, regarding a person they see from across the room, "Wow, they are so smart, I think I'm in love."

Of course, some of us think that intelligence is sexy, but you can't see someone's intelligent, at a glance...

 

it all depends on personal level of value I guess
also on how much you want to be accepted in society and such (especially for women)

I get more flattered when I am told I am smart, and I get super flattered if I am told that I am a good person or nice or whatever

 

You know, Lynsey, I just cannot relate to you at all. I do not feel that way, never have. I am very uncomfortable when people compliment on my looks, always have been, but I am proud when I hear a compliment on my intellect. It's like I feel I can lay claim to my brains, but not how others perceive my outer apperances. I was a very beautiful child as well as extraordinarily intelligent, heard compliments pretty much constantly until I became a teenager.

 

Thank you THANK YOU for posting this. I always feel uncomfortable when someone says, "Oh girl you are gorgeous!" (although it doesnt happen often! ) because I dont know how to respond without sounding.... concieted... or arrogant. Does this post make sense? I just woke up, and got real baked, so it might not.....

 

Hmm, I think it may have a lot to do with the way you are raised. I was always told I was cute, or pretty, BUT I come from a family of intellectuals, so being told I was intelligent or mature was a much bigger deal.

Of course, in Jr High, if you have the "misfortune" to be called "the smartest girl in the class" it doesn't matter WHAT you look like. The "cool" girls want nothing to do with you.

But, at my age, the "cool" girls are well past their prime, and having things sucked out, or plumped up, or reconstructed, or injected, or God Knows What done to them.....and they still don't look any younger than me, but I know even more than I did when I was 13, so it ain't bad. 11 though 14 sucked, though.

I tell my children they are beautiful, they are. (OK, Lennon was a "beautiful" baby. He's a "handsome" young man.) But, we also let them know how unique, and interesting and intelligent and caring and lovable they are, which more a subject of discussion in our house than how someone looks (despite the fact that I live with THREE people between the ages of 15 and 20, all of whom have more than a healthy relationship with the mirror....welll, not compared to most kids, I guess, though.)

Me, as a cute baby, 1962:

 

PS, I have more hair, now.

 

Just because we were talking about the smart/pretty thing:

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her
book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but yo u have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

 

Nice, I like that.

 

I agree with mamaboogie on this one.

I hate when people say that I'm "pretty" or "beautiful". I recently told my boyfriend to stop telling me I'm beautiful. It actually makes me feel VERY self conscious. I just don't like it at all. It makes me feel good to hear that I'm "nice" or "smart" or a "great personality"...makes me feel like I'm worth MORE than just what I look like.

Because to be quite honest...looks don't last very long. Let's hope lynsey ages well...because everyone in their lives gets wrinkles, acquires sagginess, and gets grey hair...so what do we have left but our personalities?