Why do we dislike others?

Have been thinking this over and over in my head trying to work out what it is that makes us dislike others...

Is it the old the things you dislike most in others are the things you dislike in yourself?

Why can't we all get along? Why does every single person no matter how hard they try have atleast on person they feel an unfriendly feeling towards?

Is it only right and just that there be hate in the world to balance out the good?
There for need to dislike?

Dislike is something i have always been aware of growing up, a lot of the time i dislike my father yet i'd rather not do. But perhapes it is because we are similar or because of the way he's been with me all my life, but then why was he like that to me? Was he angry at me because i make the same mistakes in life he does and there for he is seeing the worsed of himself in me?

Is it just in our natured to dislike and be disliked?

I can't work it out... i mean why should we dislike at all?

Can people put their thoughts down about this please?

 

What do people gain from disliking others?
How does it help?

 

Perhapes something as simple as jelousy maybe?Disliking allows people to vent..
or does it allow people to feel better about themselves?

 

During the course of our everyday life we build up negative emotional energy, one of the simplest and most effective ways of dealing with it is to blame it on someone else, that person doesn't even have to know about it so needn't hurt them and you can then deal with the rest of your life in a healthier way having vented a little spleen. For that reason I've always been quite happy for people to dislike me, it's not really that big a problem unless they start making other peoples lives hard work because of it.

 

You need to be more specific. There's a whole lot of sub-categories. You could, for example:

Dislike someone's point of view
Dislike someone's behaviour
Dislike a person generally because of the way they behave generally
Dislike someone for petty reason's such as mode of dress
Dislike someone because you have a personality clash
Or, as you say, dislike someone becuase they reflect you

Disliking someone's point of view or behaviour is a perfectly reasonable reaction. Disliking someone for a petty reasons is obviously foolish. Disliking soemone because they reflect parts of your character is a missed opportunity to learn something about yourself.

It's a massive subject, and I don't think it's possible to generalise. Also, disliking someone is not a problem in itself. Problems only arise from the way you deal with this. If I dislike christians, for example, that's not a problem. It may motivate me to consider why I feel why I do, or to engage with them in constructive debate. I may actually learn from my dislkining. If I react to my disliking by attempting to burn them all to death, then that's a problem.

 

No, she doesn't have to be more specific. You're splicing up an argument so that the ambiguities of language have more chance to prevail over the actual point.
Categorisations are an inherent flaw in our judgment of reality. Destroy the subjectivity. But that's slightly digressing.

We dislike each other through ignorance. A lack of connection and empathy. How can you possibly know whats going through your father's mind? He's much older than you. Has seen things you've not seen. His reality is in a different part of the universe to yours.

Many people lose the instinctive dislike they have for what they don't understand. Put a racist into the thick of it in a foreign country for a year or so. IF they are able to adapt, open their mind, they will come to empathise with the culture that, at first, was alien to them.

Back to subjectivity. If you destroy the boundries that are set up by a laziness with having to deal with reality in bite size chunks; such as the use of categories like 'hippy' 'punk' 'trendy'. Then you also destroy the sweeping pre-judgement of individuals, their thoughts and actions.

Then there are aggressors. People who are bullies. Should you hate them? No, its pity I feel. They have a long way to go and may never actually get there.


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Bollocks. Utter semantics. You could equally say that you're simplifying a massivley complicated subject by reducing it to one simplistic notion. By categorising a vast range of emotional reaction as 'dislike', you're avoiding an understanding of the subtleties involved.

 

this is just my own personal view...

there are some people that just annoy me...i try to get along with them but i just can't...it's not because we're similar or because we're both outgoing people who don't like to be upstaged...it's not because of height or weight or colour or gender...it's just because some people piss me off...

the same way you can look at someone for the first time and know you're in love with them...you can look at someone and know that you aren't going to get along...it's just a matter of taste i suppose...

 

'Bollocks'. Utter semantics. You could equally say that you're complicating a blatantly simple notion of 'dislike'. The disliking comes from you. One source. It is not and endless analysis of different categories naming other people's actions or behaviour.

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Yes, but you're reducing a whole range of human emotion to one convenient word. 'Dislike' encompasses many different feelings. Also, 'dislike' is a reaction to others, and so examining the patterns in others that produce such a reaction in ourselves is a very worthwhile exercise. Seeking to better understand ourselves is never a waste of time, and this is often best achieved by seeing how we react to other people.

 

I have to agree with the Doc here I'm afraid, it's like trying to talk about love as if there was only one face to it, it doesn't work. When I start simplifying my emotional responses to things I tend to loose any honesty that goes with it, its only in looking into things properly that I can come to understand them. Well, come a lot closer anyway

 

Aye, to give a group of things one title is indeed a reduction of the different aspect's individual qualities. But; You see 'dislike' as a grouping. I don't. Could you list this range of emotions you speak of please? I'd be interested. And also suspect that we'd disagree.

This is proving my main point that you have started off a circle of semantics and not attacked the issue. We could go round and round all day.
I fundamentaly disagree with your approach. It is not a splicing and categorising of other people's behaviour. The issue here is your dislike. Not what people can do to cause your dislike. It's the dislike itself.
You may argue that I'm looking at the result and not the cause.
Indeed but, whilst chasing the categories of cause, we can go back to the start of the universe. You don't need both ends of a rope in order to untangle it.
Would you even say you're list of categories in your first reply adequately covers all human behaviours that might give cause? I doubt it. You could go on all day along that line.
I don't disagree with your analysis. I disagree with your attempt to make this more complicated than it is.
If you dislike someone. Your are inadequately informed as to their subjective reality. I'm not saying this is a slight upon oneself. Just a result of being the only person who can truly see things from your point of view.

I'm not lying when I say I have conquered many a dislike in my life. As an inexperienced teenager I distrusted and disliked groupings of people which I know in hindsight are born of ignorance. It really is all about perspective from yourself. Not from endlessly blaming other people's behaviour. That's how wars start.

<got to go offline for a while, will be back this evening >

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Hate, fear, distaste, envy, anger, frustration...... just for starters. All these emotions can produce feelings which can be categorised as 'dislike'.

You're missing the point. I'm not arguing that we shouldn't look at why we dislike, but in order to understand why you dislike, it is necessary to understand the whole. It's no good simply looking at one's own emotions without looking at that which triggers them. If we sat in a field by ourselves for ever, we wouldn't end up disliking anyone, would we? So it's self-evident that our emotions do not exist in a vacuum of our own self.

No, but it certainly helps! If we're able to confront our feelings within the context of the wider whole, then we're more able to understand them and use that understanding to create more healthy patterns of behaviour. Trying to address the reaction without considering the cause is like trying to shave without a mirror.

Absolutely. It's not a simple issue.

To a point, I agree with your analysis. However, say you dislike black people. What good is it to such a person to tell them that the problem is not black people, but rather their lack of understanding of the subjective reality of black people? Sod all. Try and explain to them the nature of their dislike, and from where it arises, and you have a much greater chance of helping them overcome it. In order to tackle the emotion, it's productive for them to understand from where it comes - fear of the unknown, for example.

Also, if I 'dislike' a rapist, is it as simple as saying the dislike is my lack of understanding of their subjective reality? This is one facet, but in order to address that, you first need to disentangle the dislike of the person, and the dislike of the act.

I agree. But this is still a reductionist approach that simplifies the notion of 'dislike'. For example, dislike is also an instinctive reaction towards those who might cause us harm. We meet someone, and we have an intuitive warning that we're under threat. Is this just a case of not understanding their subjective reality?

I have much sympathy with aspects of your argument, but I think it's a tremendous simplification of a vastly complicated debate.

 

This to me sounds like an excuse rather than an explanation. I don't know Dandy's history, but what if her father abused her in some kind of way, is it wrong for her to dislike him? I agree that some kinds of dislike can stem from ignorance like racism (as you go on to point out) but in this situation it sounds very patronising. What difference does her father's age & experience make? If he's not a nice person (sorry, just making an assumption for the sake of argument Dandy ) what it does it matter what he's been through? Dandy may well understand that, but it doesn't mean that she's not allowed to dislike him.

When I dislike a person, it's because my intuition alerts me to. Face it, not everyone on this planet is nice. It's a protection mechanism. I instinctively know who to trust and who not to trust. If I deny my intuition, I could end up in an unpleasant situation, or if I socialise with that (disliked) person, I will be on my guard and not behave in a natural fashion.

But we're not talking about hate are we? Hatred is a much more extreme emotion and perhaps a much more dangerous emotion, that in itself is another topic.

But actually Dandy is asking her questions regarding different things. Is it jealousy? Is it in our nature? Etc etc. So her question spans a huge area and the Dok is right to split that area into smaller ones because it's relevant. There's no ambiguity within what he's said that I can see. You can't simply say that she dislikes her father and the girl who works in her local shop for entirely the same reasons. Until she breaks it down, how can she understand it?

Your words imply that to dislike someone is a character flaw, it's almost as if you're defending those that are disliked! I could be wrong tho.......

 

It's easier to dislike someone you disagree with, don't get along with or just don't like the look of. It takes much more effort to overcome your differences and objections and try to see the good in someone your subconscious is telling you to hate.

Why do we dislike people? I'm sure it has a lot to do with our history of interdependence and tribalism. We have an affinity with those who are like us, look like us and share our interests and beliefs. That makes sense if we are to survive. It also makes sense to be wary of and to dislike outsiders, people who may seem not to be acting in our interests, but in their own. We are naturally suspicious of people who are different.

Of course we can have dislike for people in our clan, family or tribe - this is what you described with your father. This is probably to do with power relationships, authority and expectations and assumptions about other people's position in the tribe. There are always internal feuds and fights for power within a group of co-dependents, it happens among the other african apes too, not just us hominids. But that kind of dislike and power struggle is (usually) different from the kind of dislike we develop towards outsiders. It is on a different scale; we may feud with them, but we would unite with them against an external threat. This is because of our shared interests of survival and genetic heredity, which surpass our own interest in personal power.

So yes, disliking people serves a purpose - one which is almost irrelevant now that we are less dependent on close family and tribal groups for our survival, but human nature changes much more slowly than our society does.

 

True, dislike is not hate, but it's part of the same continuum, isn't it? Hatred is an extreme form of dislike.

 

I dislike semolina. I hate niggers. Hmmmmm. Nope

 

Well I hate semolina, but merely dislike niggers!

 

'Hate' You'll have to be more specific. What about all the subcategories you can think of and attribute to the behaviour of other people?
'Fear' You'll have to be more specific. What about all the subcategories you can think of and attribute to the behaviour of other people?
'Distaste' You'll have to be more specific. What about all the subcategories you can think of and attribute to the behaviour of other people?
etc etc, ad nauseum.

ok, agreed. a large part of us is the sum of outside influence. the 'nuture' aspect as opposed to 'nature'.
This doesn't give a blanket excuse to blame others for a feeling you are having. I understand how that statement might seem silly. The world is full of oppressors. There is something about subjective reality I've been experimenting with of late. I have further to go. I feel many of the world's problems are caused by a lack of understanding of others. Of using categories. And basing judgements on how people act toward you as opposed to how you are reacting. As with any nice idea. It only works if everyone does it at the same time.

To me this paragraph completely contradicts itself. The nature of their dislike and from where it arises is their lack of understanding. Especially in this case.

Yes.

yes, i agree, it is a simplification. You can complicate things ad infinitum. (as shown in my example at the beginning of this post) That is why I rile against it. Perhaps it is a question of balance. You admitted yourself that your list of other people's behaviour that cause dislike could go on and on. This is not the scenario needed to adequately debate the subject.

In conclusion I maintain that it is has far more to do with yourself than with others. I felt that you lent toward the later of the two. I reckon we agree with each other on the destination just not the path.

<i read everyones posts, only had enough steam for this reply >

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Absolutely. This is the path to understanding. What's your point?

You're missing the point. Of course part of the problem is their lack of understanding. This isn't the question. The question is how to best overcome it. You can't overcome a thing unless you understand a thing. And lack of understanding is intimately connected with the other person. If they weren't there, then you'd have nobody who you failed to understand!

No, things are complicated ad infinitum.

I didn't 'admit' anything. I stated it.

No, but it's the reality, regardless of how convenient it is or isn't.

Quite possibly. But I think there's another issue at play here.

Who's talking about blame? It seems to me that this is the subtext that's underlying much of your argument. You seem to be confusing an understanding of the role of both parties with an attribution of blame. I've never once mentioned the word 'blame'. or anything similar. I've never suggested that looking towards others to help us understand the cause of our dislike should involve a transference of responsibility. Quite the opposite. I've argued that we look towards others in order to better help us understand ourselves. It seems to me that you're debating with me, but you're also debating with yourself at the same time. There's an underlying issue here, but I think you'd best look within to find it