Why Did You Get Together?

I was just wondering if I have bad taste in who I choose to be in relationships with. Is it superficial, is there a pattern, do I have a type. I thought it might be interesting to see how my list of people I've been with compares to other people's in terms of why we choose who we get into a relationship with.

These are the things I considered when choosing. In some cases there really wasn't much thought going on at all.


BF 1: Why? He was funny and I thought he was unnecessarily targeted as a troublemaker in class. Also he was cute.

BF 2: Why? He was creative and very forward, in a respectful, poetic way about wanting to be with me. Also he was a writer. Style may have had a tiny something to do with it.

BF 3: Why? Because I felt bad about not actually wanting to be with him when he thought I wanted to. Maybe because I felt like I'd been unintentionally leading him on and so I thought, well I'll give this a chance.

BF 4: Why? He was the most interesting person I'd ever met at that point. I thought he was a genius and also a tortured artist and also like maybe he needed someone to support him and understand him as it seemed no one had before. Also, he was very persistent and really seemed to know that he wanted to be with me. He was kind of magnetic and mysterious. He knew about all kinds of things I'd never experienced and I wanted to learn and grow and love and be loved.

BF 5: Why? He was very persistent about wanting to be with me. He was very understanding about my lifestyle. He was ambitious and interested in living the same way. He had a similar spiritual background. He had a very different upbringing than anyone I'd ever known and I thought he had a very strong sense of culture, family/identity and morality. He was creative and very, very kind. He seemed innocent but edgy. He didn't drink or smoke anything. I tried to talk him out of being with me and the way he responded over and over again made me much more interested in him.

Honorable mentions:
Guy 1: Why? He was familiar. I'd known him a long-time. I thought he wanted me to be his gf, didn't realize he was still with his gf at the time. Maybe also influenced by drinking/being high. Also, I just wanted to erase the memory of someone before him...also he was attractive and I knew lots of girls liked/wanted him.

Guy 2: Why? He was super easy to talk to, there was undeniable chemistry. He gave me lots of attention and I grew accustomed to him. He felt familiar as soon as I met him. I was very comfortable with him and we had a lot in common. Also his background/family reminded me of how I grew up. Also the fact that it was a completely friendly, innocent relationship helped me feel comfortable with him. He never said or attempted anything sexual with me until...he did. My "type" in terms of looks.

Guy 3: Why? He reminded me of my father/brothers. We had a very similar background, grew up in a lot of the same places. He seemed respectful and mature and different than anyone I'd ever considered. He was completely not my type (in terms of lifestyle, interests, etc.) and I thought that was a good thing. He was funny and intelligent and seemed to be nice and calm. He didn't drink or smoke anything. There weren't many other people around that I was remotely interested in or who understood me or appreciated me in the least. So convenience played a big part, that and loneliness. Physical attraction is worth mentioning.

 

Keep in mind that I've been with with my husband since I was 17 so there were only a few real relationships before him besides a few random guys that I made out with that I wouldn't really count.

BF#1: I was with him on and off for 3 years. He was my first love and the best friend I ever had. We tried to make it work but he was a bad boyfriend. He was sweet and we loved each other but he was a liar... he was cute. We were better friends. I still love him.

BF#2: he was someone new to hang out with while bf#1 and I were on a break one summer. He was convenient. Our parents were best friends so we were allowed to spend weekends together camping when we were teenagers. We didn't love each other. We just had fun together until I went back to BF#1. Now BF#2 is my step brother.

BF#3: my husband. Honest to god. It felt right. We both say that. That's the only way I can put it. I knew him for a year and never thought of him as anything. I wouldn't have even called him a friend. He was just a guy that was in one of my classes. I was friends with his brother. That's basically the only reason I knew who he was. I hadn't seen him for about 4 months. I said hi to him at a football game. He held my hand and I didn't pull away because it just felt right. We held hands for the whole game and I just knew he was the one. Later I asked him why he held my hand because it's not like we even knew each other. We never flirted or anything. He said "I just felt like I needed to. I'm glad I grew a pair and did it". We've been together since the night he held my hand.

All of my boyfriend resemble each other when it comes to looks so I must have a "type" that I'm physically attracted to. They all have dark brown hair and brown eyes. They all have totally different personalities though. Although, BF#2 and my husband get along very well. It took BF#2 a long time to grow up but all is well now. He'll be at my house with his wife and kids for Christmas.

 

Aww...I love what you said about your husband. So sweet. I think I've only felt that "just felt right" stuff with Guy 2. He is the only one I'm still into because of how "right" it felt. He has said the same thing.

 

GF1: I think "felt right" would be an understatement. There was so much emotion to begin my relationship all them years ago. It was another kind of high school puppy love. It didn't just feel right, it was right, it's the rightist thing I've ever been correct with.

 

The current one is because we just couldn't help it, really.
We missed each other when we were apart.
It just sort of happened.

 

i tend to pursue women that i feel chemistry with. really no other major traits they have in common, as far as i've noticed.

 

It could be that you're not meeting the right people, and it could be that you're meeting the right people but not relating to them well.

Do you feel like you just eventually realized that they were wrong for you, or that things could have worked out but didn't?

 

I feel like most of the time I've just kind of gone with the flow because the person was persistent enough to make me consider it. It seems like there's only been twice that I was really sure that I wanted that person. It's been something I just let happen maybe because I'm just naturally curious and interested in getting to know people. I feel like maybe these relationships could've been perfectly fine as friendships.

I feel like things got to the point in each relationship where I realized the person wasn't what I thought. I just didn't see what was there because I was so interested in the good parts of them or the part of them that really liked me. It's not that they didn't show any signs of who they really were, but it's almost like I didn't have any standards because maybe I just didn't know what I wanted.

Majority of the guys that I really liked in my life, don't go on that list up there because I have often been afraid of being with someone I really liked and I have quickly rejected the guys I really liked, except for the two up there that I approached.

So...I'm complicated and need to stay far, far away from relationships at this point until I figure myself out. I definitely see some patterns.

Also, comparing myself with the others who've posted in this thread makes it seems like I over think things and don't trust myself. I've never gone by chemistry alone. I've only ever felt chemistry with one of the guys on that list.

 

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LOL! I think you may have just cured me. Thanks brah.

 

I think the majority of my boyfriends have been exactly what i needed at the time

bf 1 - he was the boy next door. I had seen him around the neighborhood and thought he was cute and one day he stopped and talked to me when we were both walking down the road. We ended up having a lot in common, plus I was just leaving my ugly duckling phase and he was one of the first boys that showed interest in me. He's still one of my best friends today, actually

bf 2 - I was in my rebellious teenager phase. I was basically running wild and I had this near death experience that completely flipped my world upside down. A friend introduced me to this guy and he was super sweet and stable, already in college ( i was a senior in high school) and very mature, ambitious, focused, goal oriented. I really needed someone like that in my life at the time. I think my mom still wishes I had ended up with this guy lol

bf 3 - I had a crush on this guy since 9th grade. We actually went on a few dates throughout high school but the timing was always weird. We ended up in the same group of friends after high school and pretty much fell madly in love as we were getting to know each other better as friends. We just got each other. When we were together it was like we were always silently communicating without words. I think we probably would have gotten married and lived happily ever after except he was in the army reserves and went to Iraq for a year and came back a completely different person. I actually ran into him a few years later and hung out a few times and we still had that same level of understanding, but there wasn't really anything romantic there anymore. We were way too different by that point.

bf 4 - He was supposed to be my fun rebound after boyfriend 3 but ended up being a tumultuous on again, off again relationship for 4 or 5 years. We were really horrible together and it doesn't really make sense that we kept going back to each other, but he completely changed my life at the same time. I met pretty much all my adult friends through him. it wasn't the type of situation where I found myself just fading into his life, it was more like I met his friends and found my home. So now he and I are apart of the same close knit friend family and we get along much better these days just as friends.

bf 5 - my current man. I liked him initially because he was easy going and didn't feel the need to try too hard. The first time we hung out I watched him save a dying baby goose and then we went on a hike where we were just completely chill and easy in each other's company. I was pretty much a goner after that.

That easiness is the foundation of our relationship and the reason we are able to make it work so well. There is a true mutual respect and partnership with us.

 

Thanks Meliai. I have noticed a lot of other women in good/longterm relationships say how "easy" it is to be with their men. I will definitely remember that next time around.

 

I don't really analyze the reasons as to "why" I'm attracted to someone. When I'm attracted to someone, I just am. I mean, there are reasons but I FEEL them more than I analyze them. Mind you, I've only had two girlfriends in a physical sense and three online(although with the intention of closing the distance) girlfriends. My current girlfriend is my third online girlfriend. So, I'm definitely not all that experienced. With all that out of the way.........

Girl #1 - It was basically an early-/mid-teen crush thing, I suppose. We kind of liked being with each other, although it was often within a group setting. One of my ex-besties hooked us up because she was basically our mutual friend and she knew the girl liked me as well. I wouldn't really call that one a "relationship" per se, though...... Besides, she ended up hating my guts afterward.

Girl #2 - Definitely a relationship(my first real one), and was the longest one so far at two and a half years. We met at another ex-besty's party, and it was almost like a love-at-first-sight type thing on my part. She was the most timid girl I ever met, but we got along pretty well back then. She could even be pretty bubbly around me, and I liked her unique sense of humour.

Girl #3 - An online ex-girlfriend, and an ex-member of this very place, Hip Forums. I think she was more of the persistent one in the beginning, and I was the one who gave into the initial temptation. Long story. She was unconventional, and I liked that fact. She gave off a bit of an anti-society vibe, which I quite appreciated and could definitely relate to myself. But she was the wild one that got away, I suppose.

Girl #4 - An online ex. I seriously thought she was "it". It was a supernatural thing. There were many uncanny examples that I choose not to get into here(personal info, ya know...). But we really started out as friends first. At one point, we both realized we liked each other. I suppose she was at least partly responsible for my returning to pot smoking, but that's besides the point, lol. xD

Girl #5 - My current(and hopefully my last) girlfriend. Online relationship so far, but this is already my second longest one at 8 months. She's just really cool, totally chill and has the kind of sense of humour I like. We found ourselves in this romantic situation without even realizing it until we were pretty deep in it. And it all feels so natural and easy(there are challenges but those are mainly due to the long distance nature of the relationship). It's amazing how well we communicate. I guess that's what's different about her compared to all the other girls I've been with.

Anyway, the "easy" thing is true I think. They DO say relationships take work and stuff, but a good relationship should still be relatively easy on the fundamental level(namely communication) in my opinion. I believe the most important things are compatibility and communication.

 

I would agree with that. I think its very easy to be with my husband. We never fight but there is still a lot of passion there even after 17 years. We genuinely enjoy each others company. We still make out in the kitchen like teenagers. We still catch one another checking the other one out sometimes.

 

17 years and you're 34? you guys were high school sweethearts?

 

Kind of. We started dating at the beginning of my senior year. He's a year older so he was already in college. Most relationships that start at that age don't last. We are the lucky ones. I can honestly say we love each other more now that we did the day we got married. He is the only person I want to see every day. I tell him "you're my favorite" every single day. We are that gross totally in live couple. The honeymoon stage is still happening. Not that every day is easy but the hard day's are few and far between.

This year in our anniversary I made a top 10 list of things that we do to make our marriage work. I should post them here sometime.

 

I am with the lady I am with now, because there was just a connection there neither one of us felt for someone before! We meet through a mutual friend. Became friends with no other plans for anything further. As we got to know each other better it started to become clear to both of us that we had so much in common and the same views on so many things in life. Finally one night when we were supposed to go out with a bunch of friends and they all bailed on us we decided just the two of us would go out. We ended that night with her telling me that was the best first date she had ever been on. After that we both fell hard fast for each other. Year later we bought a place together and I have been living the best years of my life in my early 40's.

 

1st bf: he was cute, sweet, super goofy. ended up being waay too imature though.
2nd bf: badass, 420 source, tough guy, great for partying. ended up physocally, emotionally, financially, and sexually abusive, now works for TSA
3 bf and current husband: sweet, loving, funny, educated, wise, older, experienced, fun, compassionate
(yes, thats all my serious relationships ever!)

 

GF #1: My first real girl friend and my first sex partner. This was a relationship that was doomed to failure from the start, as it was an east coast (her) / west coast (me) relationship. Believe it or not, I met her when I used to fly back east 3-4 times a year to do art direction for Star Trek conventions! (This was around 1975.) She was a regular convention staffer as well (she lived in Philly) and we just kind of hit it off. We ended up taking each others virginity and after that, whenever I'd fly out to do another convention, we'd spend the weekend fucking like rabbits (when we weren't working.) After my last con, the phone calls and letters just kind of slowed down and eventually stopped altogether.

GF #2: My first college girl friend. She lived in a women's co-op right next door to where I lived. She was bubbly and athletic, and was a good-looking blonde with short wavy hair. (Hey, when you're a guy that age, it's all about looks, right?) After being together a couple weeks, we started fucking (she was a virgin before me, just like GF #1.) Once we started having sex, she discovered that she LOVED it and couldn't get enough. After that, whenever we got together, it immediately devolved to looking for a private spot where we could get naked and do that nasty. That also ended badly. After going on like that scott free for over six months, we got pregnant. (We weren't using any kind of birth control, not even condoms. In retrospect, I'm amazed that it too as long as it did.) She ultimately had an abortion and we broke up shortly thereafter.

GF #3: This was another girl from the same women's co-op. (GF #2 didn't return to college that following fall.) The room mate of this GF was a friend of a couple years and she matched the two of us up (we were both Star Trek nuts.) Anyway, GF #3 was just plain hot; long, dark, wavy hair, slender, gorgeous figure, and eyes that you could just fall into. In spite of that, she didn't have a very good self-image and had a hard time believing that anyone could find her as beautiful as I kept insisting that she was. We dated for about six months (lots of petting, but no sex.) Then, I proposed to her and she accepted. We were engaged for two years and got married in 1979. (BTW, she was also a virgin when we met. I've never been with an "experienced" woman... ever. Luck of the draw, I guess.) This last summer was our 34th wedding anniversary and I've never regretted the choice I made.

 

Without listing off each GF....the number one thing for me is intelligence. Regardless of other characteristics...I don't think I could ever be in a long term relationship with someone if I didn't respect her intelligence. The next things would probably be honesty, kindness, compassion and initiative.