Where Do I Fit In?

Sometimes I wish I could just google it, take a test and have someone tell me... I've hung out with normies, geeks, goths and nowhere do I feel like I truly belong. I feel like people run on different wavelengths and I have only found a handful of people running on mine.Unfortunately college is over and we've scattered up and down the East Coast and such and never see each other anymore. Making friends in your late twenties is so hard... And the more desperate you become, the more desperate and creepy the people you attract become.

I have social and general anxiety as well as bouts of depression, all genetic, so there isn't always a reason. I'm also poor as dirt, but just over the line for financial assistance, so I can't afford to go to do much other than free events. Thank god I live close to the city or I would never have anything to do... I hate sports and clubs and you can only go out to eat so many times... My only friends in this state are my two exes, who obviously hate each other, and by association, I am kind of friends with their friends, but we are not very close.

I hate to bitch, because I am grateful for what I have, but I'm getting kind of lonely... I'm not really trying for any romantic relationships at the moment, because I am trying to learn to be on my own in that way for a while, but friends to hang out with I would most definitely welcome... The problem is, the second you put out there that you're looking for friends, it's like a beacon and every desperate person within a 50 mile radius starts messaging me excessively. It's not that I am not compassionate toward them and their issues, but in a lot of cases, these people do not have very good boundaries and just end up making me uncomfortable with their instant clinginess, which makes me withdraw even more, and then I have to deal with the guilt of not wanting to be friends with them when that's exactly what I asked for. I've taken to not making friends online anymore and trying to get out and see people in person instead so that I can get a better reading, but it's so incredibly hard to overcome my fears... I feel like a lot of people in my age group are having the same issues as we've all become so closed of with facebook and texting serving as a lazy substitute for actual human interaction. It's just so much easier than having to face people that I find myself falling into the trap. There have to be functional, sane people riding the same wave as me... I just have to find them.

 

Not being insensitive, but you are lucky to have found some that are running on your wavelength... You will find more.

 

Be yourself and the people that hear you really will find you....do not try to fit in. I never did either, and I like it that way...friends I make are lasting....and some say if you find one true friend in life, you are lucky...You will be all right....

just don't use words like yum or mmmmm around me....
Hate those expressions...now there will be a a ton of peoiple saying that stuff....and i will feel like I am hearing nails on a chalkboard......

 

I didn't find what you said to be insensitive.

I know I am lucky . I'm trying to stay optimistic. It doesn't help that I've been hiding in my house... I know I need to put in more effort to at least be visible to new people. I just hope I haven't used up all of my luck finding the friends I found in college. I've never been part of a group so in tune with me, and I miss them all terribly. We visit each other a few times a year, but I need some regulars to hang out with. I don't mean to complain about my exes, either, as we have managed to be good friends to each other once the bullshit of our failed relationships settled down, but the baggage does surface from time to time, and it would be nice not to have to face that every time I just want to kick back and relax with people.

I hope you're right. I did go through a brief period where I questioned myself and wondered if I should try to do more mainstream stuff so I could at least have something in common with the people at work, but then I was like no, that would be fake, and who wants to live a lie? It was a frustrating thought anyway, because I have never wanted to be anything other than myself. There is only so much time we get on this rock, and I don't want to waste any more time than I have to doing things I don't want to do. I already have a job for that...

So yeah, I guess I'm working on it. It just sucks having everyone you care about so far away and finally realizing you have to start from scratch or you'll go insane and become a recluse.

 

Well I think you've summed up how many people feel too. I guess try to take comfort in knowing you're not alone?

I have no advice, I'm in the same predicament.

 

I'm in a place that isn't too different from yours. As the years go by I care less and less about the lack of friends, and just appreciate the people that I do have, even if they live far away. I'm just not the type of person who will ever make a ton of friends or be easy in a social setting. It's fine. :daisy: . Some people are just like that. Just work on yourself, and you'll periodically meet some kindred spirits to enjoy the company of.

 

When you "fit in" you lose your individuality. I am thankful to not fit in.

 

"fitting in" often equates to stagnant intellectual development.

 

Know whatcha mean.

I don't think your title describes it well, though. You don't need to fit in, if you belong.

 

Good time to rummage around for ideas on extra cash venture so you can buy a trip and break the rut.

 

OddApple, I'm doing that this May. I'm driving from Maine to Michigan by myself to see my best friend, get a tattoo and go see a rock concert on her birthday. It's going to be epic.Hopefully it will be just what I need. It will be the first trip I've taken to do anything other than just go see my family, which I always feel is more of an obligation than any kind of vacation...

 

Firefly, when I was young I struggled with depression, OCD, and social phobia. My thoughts:

Free Spirits don't perfectly fit into groups because -- most groups are not even about their own goals --. Look at communes and activist groups. They're all about group cohesion. That's why one can spot them acting in self-defeating ways. Look at how peace groups lure people into pacifism, which amounts to enabling sadists and tyrants.

A book was once written titled: Not In Our Genes. Beware psychiatry. During the 1930's, it partnered with eugenics in America, Germany, and elsewhere. Social problems were turned into genetic problems, for the convenience of the powerful. That's not to say some of us are not -prone- to depression and anxiety, but to simply declare those problems genetic is a trick of psychiatry to drum up business and fund the pharmaceutical industry. In short, psychiatry -oversimplifies- reality for profit.

Once, I read that social phobias are among the most easily overcome. I found this true. By my 30's I had gotten over most of my social phobia.

Now, I'm borderline old, and don't fit in anywhere. No big deal.

May I suggest you consider chucking the mainstream and trying life on an intentional community? Even those are not without problems, but nowadays, with globalization, only those with professions, money, and good nervous systems thrive. Google "Fellowship For Intentional Community".

Good Luck.

 

same story here. except i went this route:

i may have been insane in the first place, but i didn't embrace the recluse life until after college.

 

You could have a bunch of associates. I think of a free spirit as someone who could get along with virtually anyone (within reason). (I'm trying to get used to the idea that you can't like everyone). You could just join meetup groups, support groups, go to happy hour and talk to the people there and leave (so you won't look desperate). Friendships are like relationships: they don't come from searching, they just sort of happen.

My aunt who has been to 42 countries says that in this world, either everyone is friendship oriented but they conform and care what people think and try to impress people and all do the same thing, or, people are siphoned off into their own little worlds and are more individualistic. It's a trade-off. I like it here better. I'm too "evolved" to go back to the "Amish."

 

I disagree, maybe when we try to fit in. When we happen to fit in we just happen to do that. It doesn't necessarily say something about one's individuality.

But I kinda agree with Roorshack:

Subtile difference. Not that it is much easier to find this feeling of belonging for someone who feels like they don't fit in anywhere But it doesn't depend solely on likeminded people.

 

I can relate well. I dissed Africa?? I swear I've never done drugs. It's my "normal" split personality: Introvert/Loner/Self-centered and Extrovert/People Person/World Cup.

Anyway, like I was saying, it is hard to make friends after college. If you leave with one true friend, you're rich for life. Seriously, thank goodness that I live in a metropolitan area. Everyone on the train or bus is just listening to music and Sensing. Don't daydream about getting through to people and being heard. You're heard here. It becomes a really bad habit.

Do you have a family?

 

Yes, I have family. They are miserable, unhealthy, co-dependent, black hole, cup-with-a-hole-in-the-bottom-type people that live a few states away in a dying mill town out in the sticks and resent me for ever daring to leave them. I have lived here for around 4 or 5 years now and they still haven't gotten it through their heads that I'm never going back there. I get reminded on a daily basis that my mother isn't going to live forever and that she wants family around her. I'm an only child, so there has always been a lot of pressure, and I wasn't really allowed out much as a kid, which probably has exacerbated the issues I was already genetically predisposed to.

So yeah, family isn't super helpful in this area.

I have made a few friends at work that fill a superficial social void at this point, and that's been really helpful. I've come to realize that sometimes that's all you need- just a reminder that you can still interact with people so you don't get all rusty and weird... There's one girl that I have tons in common with, but she lives an hour away upstate. We always have tons to talk about when we are together for work events, but there's also been a lot of space, which is a nice change from the crazies that usually latch on to me and follow me around and never leave me alone. I'm starting to realize that I attract and am drawn to that type because they do all the legwork initially and I never have to put myself out there... That needs to change.

I've had a very introspective year, and particularly this week I've been doing a lot of thinking about working out some of the kinks of my character. It's hard trying to draw the line between accepting who I am and addressing things that are holding me back...

 

Yea, making a thread asking for a relationship, whether it's friendship or romantic relationship does attract people we don't want nor need, I think it's because it's an inorganic way of forming a relationship. When it comes to forming relationships, it's more like two people happen to be in the same place at the same time. Then they happen to stumble upon each other, due to one or both their efforts, or maybe purely by chance. They develop a conversation that has nothing to do with their wants and needs, but it still relates to them. They hang out, they talk more, and then the evidence of wants and needs appear. Basically it's like there are steps to forming a relationship and making a thread asking for friends, sex, whatever have you is like one of the last steps, if not the very last step.

For some people it works though. Look at dating websites, all the person has to do is go on the Internet, fill in a profile, and find a romantic relationship. I have heard some successful stories. I'm sure making threads asking for these things in forums like this are just as successful. But, I think on average if we are transparent and straightforward with these things to someone that is a stranger or we have just met, that would be a a big no-no in terms of the 'rules' of socialization. Because those kinds of things are normally exposed weeks, if not months after meeting someone. Which sucks because people shouldn't fault someone else for knowing what they want and need, and being honest about it. If I want to say that I'm horny and I want sex, why is that bad? Why is it bad to say that I'm lonely and I want a friend? Why do I only get people that I don't want nor need? Of course, I'm just using myself as an example. I'm not saying I want nor need those things, lol. That's the thing we can't tell strangers or people we just met these things. Because the people we want and need run away, possibly thinking less of us, and the people we don't want and need stay, thinking they can get whatever they want and need from us. All in all, we end up not getting what we want and need.

What is my point?

Socialization takes times and effort. A lot of time and effort, it seems. It takes figuring out what we want and need in others, as well as what we don't want and need. Figuring out who we are and are not, as an individual. Because not every waking moment will we be with someone. We do shower and do things that force us to be alone. Also, a self identity is helpful in forming relationships because we go to people who are similar to us, or at least familiar to us.

On another note, I often hear what you're saying from people who have at least one friend, if not more. Which makes me wonder why so many people feel dissatisfied when they have exactly what they're saying they want and need? Is it because of our society's mentality of having surplus and abundance of the same thing? It is because monogamy is unnatural for us, even for friendships? Or is because just like we can settle in romantic relationships, we can also settle for friendships? So, yea... we have friends... tons of them, but none of them are the kind of friends we want and need. I'm just wondering why people who have friends, can get sex, etc, still want more and even will go as far as to long for it, as if they haven't gotten it? Then there are the people who truly do not have these things, which is rare, but such people do exist. And I wonder how they're still surviving.

It's hard. The whole process is hard.

 

It's good that you are trying to improve. I know what you mean about friendships and the like along with having family issues or family members you would rather get away from. Don't ever worry about losing who you are, only give up who you don't want to be. Drop the things you don't like and adopt the things you do like. I hope this helps but you aren't alone in this struggle both the road to improvement and the unstabble bridge of friendship. I changed myself a lot and spent a lot of time with out people to talk to face to face and to hang out with it took most of high school to finally find a group of people that I liked. It's hard, if it weren't it wouldn't feel so worth it when you find it. I have been lucky enough to have found a few groups of people now that after having to leave them I felt like my heart was being ripped out. Be honest with youself and never settle for a one way friendship. Humans are socail creatures you will find what you want if you keep working at it.

 

Be calm and positive always. Take the problems that come to you genuinely and if this does not work, then you may take some anti-depressants drugs.