When your mate becomes morbidly obese what do you do?

My childhood friend married a slim girl. After they had 2 kids she became morbidly obese. He tells me he is repulsed by her and has not had any sex with her for decades. He said due to his religious convictions he will never leave her and never cheat on her but he is leading a miserable life.

Suggesting anything just makes her eat more. What would you do?

 

Support her the best you can. Don't force but motivate her to be healthier. Exercise together. Love her as you once loved her when you met...

 

I am the type of person that if there is an issue of any sort I will sit us down and talk about everything. If this happened to me I would tell her that sex is a very large part of my mental health and has always been. And that over weight women are not appealing to me at all ever. And if you want the same sex that we had back then, then something must be done. I am not telling her what to do. I am simply stating the facts of a contented relationship. If she responded in the positive I would do a wait and see. If after some time she remained that big we would talk again.

I'd say now we are getting serious. Will you agree that I am free to have sex with other women? I made a promise to be with you til death do we part. (By the way I don't believe in that bullshit, this post is for religious minded people. For me a relationship is simply an experience that can end at any moment without regret.) She would probably begin to cry. Then tell her shall I cry for the rest of my life in a sexless marriage.

Sweetheart the decision is yours here. We have come to a crossroads in our lives. If you want something strong enough to happen in your life you can accomplish it. Now the ball is in your court. It is your move. I will have sex one way or another. I love you fat or thin but sex is a completely different story all together.

Life is way too short to live a horribly sexless marriage.

I will not cheat but if I tell you I am having sex with another it is not cheating. So maybe something will cause a breakup. The obvious weight issue or the obvious third person sex issue. The choice is yours. Or maybe you will be ok if I have a mistress and you have your food passion. Then the three of us can live happily ever after.

 

Exercise is 20% of weight loss. Fork in mouth is 80%.

 

Speaking to her goes without saying. I wouldn't personally put it the way you have, as it seems borderline pressuring. By all means, explain to her the importance of sex in marriage but I'd be very mindful that you don't come across as selfish or blackmailing her. I know how difficult losing weight is, so tell your friend to be patient, understanding and supportive. As mentioned previously, both exercising together is a great motivator. Seeing the results in real time and feeling great together is a great way to get closer. Both their confidence will grow and they will become more desirable to each other.

 

Certainly not morbidly obese, but my first wife fits the scene.
Dating, and for the first 10 years of our marriage her body was quite good. Her entire life from a child thru her 30s she had no weight issues.
Then came our second child... a son...who was 10lbs. 8 oz.
This forever changed her body. She gained a lot of weight when pregnant and simply couldn't get rid of it. Fast forward another 10 years..now into her 40s...and her body was like a muffin. Gone were the sexy curves.
Her stomach stuck out farther than her boobs. She was officially... fat.
She had HUGE issues with her body. She HATED it. I tried everything to make her feel better... nothing worked.
Partly because of this and other reasons, but honestly I believe mostly her hatred of her body - we stopped having sex.
I went over 10 years without sex.

We divorced.
I remarried.

 

The same goes for men who get too fat. By the way. No one can say that that is the way my body happens to be so I am stuck with it. Sex and eating are nothing but appetites. Eat a sensible mean and stop. Cum and stop. It may take some effort or guidance or counsiling but nobody has to be over sexed or over weight. Just my opinion. Unless you have some mental illness. You don't have to give in just because your body says I want more. Tell your body to go fuck itself and turn the other way. It is kinda Yogic but thats what I do. My spirit is stronger than my weak needy fucking useless aging body. A woman friend of mine has a 400 lb husband. Hasn't fucked in ten year. Stays together for the kids. I think that is the worst scenario because the kids will grow up kinda twisted in the relationship area.

 

Pressuring? This is a serious situation that will affect the rest of your lives. There must be some pressure or it won't be taken seriously.

 

What would I do? I would have found sexual pleasure elsewhere outside the marriage. Before that I would express my feelings to my partner but yet not demand they change. Then proceed as I might and if that is unacceptable the union would then become dissolved.

There are legal promises or vows made before God or the public (JP Marriage ceremony) when two people begin a life together. A promise that is usually misunderstood and broken is for each partner to present themselves to the other in the best physical and mental condition possible until death of either. This includes being available to the other for intimate pleasures always. When one partner loses the control over their urges be it eating, lack of cleanliness, or sex, and it affects the other partner the promise has been broken. Certain situations and conditions are unavoidable such as a life changing disease but a general lack of caring for yourself so you are the best for your partner breaks the promise. It is a selfish act for one partner to become undesirable to the other yet take no measures to correct it and then expect the other partner to abide with the loss of pleasure that is an inherent human right. Either the offending partner makes corrections to improve themselves or allows the other partner to seek those pleasures elsewhere.

 

Absolutely, put it exactly like that. Tell your friend to explain to her in no uncertain terms how important sex is to him. There are many ways to get the message across without resorting to threats of sleeping with other women (imo).

It's just my opinion.

 

IMO it's not a threat, it is an option. One that just might be strong enough to keep the fork from her mouth just to keep it from happening. Many couples separate because of the problem. This idea is just a major pothole in the road that should rattle her teeth and cause her to wake up.

 

I agree but I guess putting options out are same as demands

 

Idk, just for fun seems to have some kind of vendetta against fat people lol I've seen a bunch of posts about the same thing. Although it seems to me that since you're saying sex and food are both appetites, and yet somehow your desire for sex trumps love and marriage, and yet the woman needs to lose weight for you...what are you even bringing on your end except for threats? Have you ever even had a relationship?

 

You have to understand people are talking about marrying someone who was not even heavy let alone seriously obese when they met. Or even when that person was heavy/chunky but then explosively gains weight years later.
There is simply no human condition that exists where a person gets extremely heavy and it is not of their own doing. Being morbidly obese is preventable 100%. And when a person becomes that grossly overweight - they chose their food appetite over their partner. Period.

 

Hormonal change? Some other change?
Those need serious help

Let oneself go? Emotional issues?
Might need help, but also look deeper and see what the issue is

Hereditary? Maybe not much can be done?

My ex was around 100 lbs / 45 kg) and after our first was born she kept some weight. Second one was born, she got bigger and stayed that way. Her pregnancy cravings were junk, and they didn’t go away after.
Partly impulse, partly heredity (her mom, aunts were all the same for body size and shape).
She gave up trying as well for what I saw.

 

Morbid obesity, without other co-morbidities, is likely to shorten her life by about 10 years. Unless they had definite plans for those last 10 years, I don't see it as a problem for either one of them.

As to his being repulsed, that's on him. He probably has a at least a few repulsive attributes of his own. Telling his friend the intimate details of his sex life or lack thereof and wallowing in self-pity are both pretty repulsive. That he's dwelling on his wife's BMI is his choice. He can either continue hosting his pity party, or get on with it. He promised to have and to hold until death do they part. It isn't a matter of religious conviction; it's what he promised to do. Being a man of his word is doing the minimum, and he's not doing even that.

As to what I'd do, it's not what you're doing. Tell him to man-up, acknowledge his decades-long failure to have and to hold (that's the sex part of the vows), and resume honoring his vows. Quit attending his pity parties and encouraging his lame excuses for his behavior. You'll both be better off.

 

I agree, man up, here's how:

Buy a gun, prefer automatic, learn to shoot, its the American way
Buy a pan / knuckle / shovelhead, fix it up, join an all guys bike club, ride the wind
Buy a Gibson, learn to rip pentatonics, start a KISS tribute band
Learn to play ice hockey, get really good at it, amazing feeling
Buy a 40' motoryacht fixer-upper, fix it, do the Great Loop
Buy a '77 Firebird 400 Formula, fix it, drive it and look cool
Learn martial arts, MMA, get good, legally beat the crap out of someone
Learn to TIG weld, operate a metal lathe or milling machine
Buy a pickup truck ridiculously larger than you need
Tow something huge with it
Fish, hunt, kill something (legally) ...

^^^ things better than sex.

He's a man, no sex then do other things that men do...

 

If my partner had been overweight before I started dating him, then I probably wouldn't have been able to object. I would love that. I understand that situations are different, but you build a relationship with a person, his appearance changes and he no longer suits you as a partner?

 

I can see staying with an obese partner because you were meant for each other in a deeper meaningful level BUT the sexual attraction would not be there for me. I would discuss with her the possibility of bringing another person into the relationship for that purpose. Who knows it just might cause her to take her will being more seriously. IMO it is religious beliefe that cause people to stay together in impossible situations,

 

Sounds very very christian guns and republican. No thank you