When you survive your own mind

2004 was the year I first discover these forums, I was 24, and using a different user name. Reading some of my old posts and seeing my frame of mind back then is disturbing, i used this place as an outlet for some time. I was chronicly depressed from my early teens onward, un diagnosed and untreated.
At 24 I had a crappy job, no friends..(didn't want any), I also have a disability that leaves me at times unable to speak. I saw no possible future for my self.
So I Spent a lot time wishing I wouldnt wake up, i would lie in in bed with a knife pointed at my chest, in 2006 I was setting up ropes and hating myself for being to chicken to go through with it. In may 2007 I finally went through with It , the extension cord couldn't hold up my fat ass and broke though, im thanking the stupid luck gods for that one. Left me with neck problems that plague me to this day

Well I still wouldn't get help, I never talked or told anyone about it, decided I'd just try to tough it out. I figured i was just weak. Another mistake on my part. Years went by, I changed jobs, started trying to meet people, i dated, got married and had a child , went back to school. Hidden away in side I still felt like crap all the time and i still hated myself.

After the birth of of my second child my wife experienced full on post natal phycosis, was committed and hospitalized for months. Working full time, caring for two children, one a new born, Not having money for food after day care expenses. This would stress the hell out of any one, this pushed me to my breaking point though.
I was ready to gas myself in the garage one night in 2014, but called my sister in law instead. And I got through it all with a lot of help, more than I wanted lol.

If you have problems don't suffer in silence. I now have 2 children a well paying job, my childrens mother has recovered fully. I have a seemingly ideal middle class life with a lot going on for me.. and I still struggle with my moods. Only difference is I have a constructive outlet, I can talk to people. And people want to help.

Similarly if some one comes out to you please take it seriously. They may be ready to give up, they may have enough trust in only you. Its mind numbingly hard to ask for help, two children still have a dad because I did.

I see people posting on here like I once did , and it's easy. fake user names, no possible repercussion. It's an outlet for a while but not a good one. Nothing can replace actually talking to another person nothing will change untill you do.

 

I'm happy to read your success story!

 

I like your title, and I can relate. I've survived my own mind. I have a couple of issues and sometimes it's extremely difficult to see the light, or the rainbow, or even any sort of glimmer.

 

Sister in laws are awesome. Mine has helped me through many tough times. Glad you're doing better.