When you rather take care of it yourself

I know right now I am stuck because the only way I can truly get off is by doing it myself. I can't be the squirting little cum slut I was before my husband because he didn't like that version of me but that girl is dying inside me. I don't know how else to explain it. I hold back except for when I am alone because I know he doesn't want that girl. At one point in my life I was a sub so me being in a vanilla bedroom is just not working for me I have to be able to call myself the names I deem right for that moment I know I am not those things all the time but sometimes you need to hear them to keep you in check of who you really are. So doing it myself is just another way of keeping us good. I used to think that doing it yourself was as bad as cheating because its like your partner isn't enough and re reading this really makes me think that but I need an outlet. And no this is not an invitation to watch me get off. I am a faithful wife and others watching me is as bad as them touching me so please if you don't have advice don't reply to this. I really need something helpful not perverted.

 

Really, my suggestion is to gently introduce him to the style of sex you need. You didn't see this as a problem before you married him?

 

well I did but I thought I could do without because of my past. I thought I could handle not being taken care of because I am a pleaser but I feel like if I wanted to stick with just being a pleaser I would have stayed in the lifestyle. I try not think about it but when I get in the mood and he WON'T do anything to help me get even remotely close... I feel like a prop I guess.

 

That's no way to live.

In a great relationship with everything going for it, sometimes an inability to physically please the other can be forgiven.

I hear you saying he won't try.

That's not good - not good at all.

 

One thing I can say is that resentment is a key killer of any relationship. And the responsibility often falls on the one carrying the resentment since the partner may not even know about it, or think it is a big deal.
Here is a thought, an opinion, it may not be that he doesn't want you to be "slutty" as you say but that he feels pressured to perform. This is a big thing for a man. If a man feels inept in bed then he will avoid the things that make him feel that way.
By you acting aggressive, something he is obviously not use to, it is making him feel like he has to do better...that your desires are more than he can fulfill.
Two things you must do.
Work on that resentment. Accept that it is there. Do not ignore it. And realize you need to deal with it in some way. You cannot "wish it away".
And you are not a bad person for feeling this way. It is who you are. My ex-wife and I also had two very different ways we enjoyed sex, I am the one who is more "out there" and she was more conservative. In the end, it certainly played a part in the overall reasons why the marriage eventually failed.
Secondly, be creative to find ways to s l o w l y guide him into experimenting more. Just little things, tell him how much you like it and how attracted to him you are. This is going to take time.

 

So, are you basically saying that your husband doesn't accept who you really are? That goes deeper to me than just sex. It would hurt me if I had to live part of my life in the closet, unable to share that with my husband. Marriage is give and take, it can't be only you giving.

 

ill tend to agree with everyone here.
you have to be on the same page about these things. if you like wild crazy slutty sex and he like vanilla, then it wouldn't work long term. me a my partner spoke about everything like this in the first couple of dates, got it out in the open and we both have amazingly equally enjoyable sex.
might be time to have a chat to him

 

You just need to talk to him and explain what you need and what he should expect. If he really loves you it shouldn't be a problem. I'm a relatively "vanilla" kind of guy but my wife needs it ROUGH to get off. So I give it to her the way she likes it, complete with hair pulling, ass smacking, pinning her arms down, choking her occasionally. She wants me to dominate her completely. It wouldn't be my first choice but I'm fine with it, getting her off gets me off.