When you go chasing rabbits...

I read this post on another forum I am on (Livewire) and I thought it was probably the most frightening yet educational long term LSD experience reports Ive read, so here goes. This is NOT my report.

"This is my first post on these forums. I have seen way too many go down the path I've gone down. LSD is a wonder drug, however when abused it will make your life a living hell.I hope someone can identify with this or learn from this and in some small way I hope that I help myself by writing this. It has been 6 and a half years since I last used LSD. I think I used it over 120 times. But really, I have no idea. It may be as few as thirty or forty. The fact is, I just don't really know. I have reached a point in my life where I can come to grips with my decisions as a younger man. I am still quite young, after all. I think I have almost come to grips with the fact that I may be nearly insane. And not a day goes by where I would not trade everything I've gained from LSD for everything I've lost. But I don't really know. Simply because I no longer have anything to compare my reality with. It has taken me these six years to recover enough in my life to where I realize when I am having a psychotic thought. Finally, I am able to distinguish between reality and imagination. Most of the time.

As a teenager, I experimented quite a bit. Until LSD. I won't go into my first experience or second experience or third or whatever. Just my Last. And the day I saw the serpent and went to hell. The day that woke me up and changed my life, for better or worse.

I dropped with numerous friends, numerous times. I had come to believe that my theories on life and my spiritual experiences were real. I never really saw anything visual. My trips were always internal. Internal thoughts spiraling into that great kaleidoscope that never ends. The eternal spiral that continues, deeper, and deeper, and deeper. I think I still kaleidoscope. It's faint now. And only happens when I lie still in bed, awake before I fall asleep.

Anyhow, it was a moderate summer evening in my hometown. Neither cool nor warm. The kind of unremarkable temperature that only strikes you as forgettable. I dropped with an older friend who I looked up to. He abandoned me for himself right before the onset and I walked home to my parents house in the suburbs. I watched some television, and it became boring so I turned it off. I searched my room for something to focus on. My lights were on. The moderate temperature and the well lit poorly decorated room was quiet. No wind, no sound. Nothing. And then, I began to think. I no longer recall what instigated the thoughts, but they spiraled, as do all trips into a continuum, this time into religious thought. And the spiral became a long tail. A scaly green tail. And then the mouth of the serpent swallowed me whole.

I was totally struck. It was like snapping out of a dream and waking up to full and total awareness. And in my awareness, I realized that I had no purpose. None. And in that, I became aware that I was without God.

I was aware and totally pointless. Life was so utterly devoid of meaning it is indescribable. I can only say that I have never felt so empty and alone in my entire life. And I became terrified. Absolute and total terror. I was in hell. Truly, actually, in hell. No burning. No devils. Just a total separation from purpose. I had lost all emotion, aside from utter terror. I couldn't leave my room. My parents would know. I called someone who I thought was a friend. He cared only about himself, so I hung up.

And cried. With no tears. A weeping, self loathing, pitiful cry without tears. I prayed for god to come back. I prayed for forgiveness. And, after I don't know how long, I felt better. But this was only the beginning.

I had stopped doing drugs entirely after a short time. I dabbled in pot still, but even that brought me to the spiral and back into some kind of terror. I began to believe that I knew others' thoughts. I believed that other people knew mine. I restricted my thoughts. I didn't want anyone to hear me. Then they felt my emotions. I couldn't hide from anyone. Everyone could see me. Feel me. Hear me without me speaking. And this continued for years. I still feel it. Not as powerful, but I still catch myself thinking that others know my feelings and know my thoughts. I know it isn't real. Thank you God, I know it isn't real.

The downside of my trip has taken nearly seven years. At one point I was convinced that God wanted me to write the next bible. I believed that I was a messiah. Not the messiah, but a messiah. At night, I would walk alone for hours talking to myself. I once walked twenty miles all day and into the night arguing with myself over whether Jesus was god or a man. Out loud. In public. The radio sang songs that were meant for me to hear and applied to my life in some way right then and there.

In the winter, the bare trees were like foreign alien objects, forcing themselves out of the ground like unnatural self-aware alien life forms. They hated me. I would curl into a ball in public restrooms, convinced I was in hell again. I drew pictures of my pain. Naked bodies, hanging upside down by chains. Gagged and blindfolded. Self portraits of myself handing my brain to the viewer. Surrounded by white cloaked men representing the uncaring social world. Hands chained.

My brain was constantly tormented. It never stopped. My dreams were nightmares. I felt like I was always on the verge of attaining what I wanted, but that I could never reach it. Like a never ending thirst. And this was for YEARS after not using ANYTHING. Now, I struggle to be normal. I look normal. I act normal. The only reason I can pull it off is because I can now distinguish hallucinations from reality. Most of the time. But not all the time.

I know this is rambling. I'm sorry that I can't give you an eloquently worded story of my experiences. My brain has become a patchwork of memories and emotions. I forget where I put things and what I have to get done for the day. Believe it or not, I live a pretty normal life. I'm middle class. Own a home. I'm married (no kids).

But I still get that feeling that people can read my mind and feel my feelings. I don't know where I would be without these years of terror and self hate. I don't know who I am. I don't know anything. But I do know one thing. I would kill. KILL. To be normal. To feel life the way it's supposed to be. To feel reality again. To know what sanity is. To never doubt my mind again."

 

...thats what you get for trying to control something you have no control over. we dont control out emotions or what other people think of us. trying to control something you have no control over always leads to complete torment. people like this just need to realize that people arent always thinking about them or "reading their thoughts." people are too busy worrying about their own lives, and if it seems like they care about what your thinking then fuck it, thats a good thing in my opinion. people just need to get a grip, let go, say fuck it. what it do!

 

It looks like he touched that place of nothing and got scared. It can be a teriffying experience. All these years after are just product of his mind and toughts. If your mind is full of different thoughts and wondering around about everything you will forget where you put your things. It also comes with age. He needs to forget about that experience, find him self again and continue living his life his "normal" way.
I'm sorry but lsd is not responsible for this story.

 

yeah. lsd didnt do that shit. it may have been a catalyst, but its not soley responsible

 

This reads like a scare tactic. It may very well be real, but I have a funny feeling about it.

The thing that strikes me the most, is he talks about a life without God and a life with no meaning. As if one was dependent on the other. Maybe he glimpsed into a cold universe without an intelligence guiding it, and he didn't like what he saw. That's understandable, most theists feel a need to believe in their deity. But instead of CREATING meaning, he sought for it in a place that can't be reached. Or may not even exist. Not that doing that could have caused all the problems he had. If this is a true story, I think luck played a very large role in its outcome.

 

lol some of u people on here (no offense to anyone) are out of your minds....this guy just sat here and told his whole story about how he use to do acid all the time and shit and one time he took it and it perminatly fucked him for the rest of his life up to this day,and then some of u have the nerve to say that it wasnt acid? get with the program. i love acid just as much as the rest of us bust the fact is that its a drug and a serious one at that. when u fuck with acid ur fuckin with fire,and acid can leave u perminatly fucked up for life how he was describing and IVE SEEN IT HAPPEN. dont delude urselves

 

I'm with gucci on this one. More often then not, acid is not the problem. This man dove into himself to a degree he couldn't handle and let it control him for years afterwards. The acid may have been what allowed him to see it but it didn't force him to alter the way he handles life.

 

im not going to bother arguing this with anyone because i know how delusional most of the posters on this board are...."oh its not the acid its you" if acid really wasnt bad for u do u think it would be illegal? come on man. ive seen alot of shit man and ive seen people take acid before and they just arnt the same anymore....ive seen people take acid and have to go into mental hospitals because they were just fucked up in the head for the rest of there lives. when u come down from an acid trip u come back to reality and realize u just came off a hard drug. one poster on here who i think will back me on this is soaringeagle....when i read his posts they seem very knowledgable,and he seems like a person who has seen alot...ask him im sure he will tell u the same thing or something along the lines of what im telling u...it IS the acid. acid can leave u really fucked up for life after doing it 1 time and i have witnessed it

 

oh yes absolutely
kids need to realize acid is not the drug of kids its the drug of shamans its not a play thing it changes your perceptions it changes your minds
and in a mind not ready it can cause a snap..an irreversable change

and ive seen many a mind scrambled
some to such a scary degree

not many concidering how many tempt fate..
but every singlke dose should be respected
cause every 1 could be that 1

i suspect the poster had some demons to begin with, but thats not always the case..

icid certainly can cause acid casualties.. dont ever even think its completely safe..it isnt,1 trip or 1000 if you tempt her enough sooner or later your bound to snap (not saying its inevitable u go insane but u will change ..and insanity is always a possibility)

i suspect tho that the op wad a schitsophrantic mildly to begin with

but seriusly, how well do any of us really know our sanity? what would make it snap?

i was smart..as soon as i felt acid take away more then it gave i knew to not tempt her again..

i can relate to some of what he says to a lesser degree
sometimes wondering if ppl can read my thoughts or tell how i feel much of what i gained i think was good, i did lose a lil i think too though..i just was lucky enough to know when to stop and ive watched good freinds go far beyond that point..and watched good kids with goodf futures end up committed cause they became completely insane

from 1 trip


respect it..it can take u anywhere..even to hell

if ya arent ready for that then ..dont tempt her

 

I’m sorry but I don’t buy into anything either of you are saying. You say acid is just a drug right? Yeah its just a drug! it wont fuck you up for life unless you let it fuck you up for life. the reason its illegal isn’t because its bad for you. it illegal because mad people were taking it and starting to see the truth. The government was scared that if it got any worse then there would be a fucking revolution. So what did they do? Outlawed it and spread mad propaganda about it. I’m not saying it cant be a catalyst for fucking lives up, but i believe it has more to do with the person and less to do with the drug. Its all about your mindset. Albert Hoffmann has dosed sooooooo many time prolly can’t even count how many times, he’s 102 years old and he’s fucking brilliant. Your making acid out to be something its not, and people like you should quit spreading fucking propaganda. I don’t care how many people you saw get "permanently fucked" I've seen some brilliant mother fuckers who did acid on the weekly. Its all about how you take it.

 

I feel bad for that guy.

I can totally relate to everything he said. Sometimes I think I have some really fucked up mental problems, or maybe Im just looking into to much. I dunno.

 

sure some brilliant ppl dopsed to brilliance but some have been tirn to shreds as well
its hit or miss
and its not for those who arent ready for it

einstein helped create the h bomb knowing the dammage...or the good it could do..but he feared it all the same..hoffman created lsd with the same reverence. knowing it could create or destroy

it doesnt destroy evrery mind, but can destroy any mind
its a roll of the die enlightenment or calamity
it can always go either way

many get lucky
some dont

respect that it can fuck your entire life up...
use it with reverence and ya should be ok.. use it to see pretty colors and disrespectit and u could be in for treouble

no offence dude but ..how experienced are ya? trippin a few dozen times with 3 or 4 freinds in mommies basement?

when ya literaly been around a few hundred thousand trippin ppl for 20 some years ya see alot more then ya see from mommies basement

ive seen the best and the worse it can do..
the best is amazing
the worse scary as hell

a world where every1 had easy access to acid daily would be a scary world indeed after awhile..

the dangers not great..but its always there

comeback in 20 years ad then tell me its not

 

Agreed 100%

 

wow soaring eagle. i lost alot of respect for you from that post man. assuming i tripped a "couple dozen times in mommies basement." i can only say that youre wrong. youre just a grumpy old man...cant stand to see someone who views life as me? we're in more control then you think we are man. quit being a prick and bringing negativity everywhere you post.

 

Why must you be so negative? Do you know him personally? How can you say something like that? No offence but just because you have had negative experiences doesnt mean everyone else does. Be a little more open minded.

 

Age is not experience, and experience is not wisdom. I wouldn't claim a lifetime of experience in the psychedelic community as proof of expertise. The flower children of the sixties even admitted mostly collective failure before '70 even came around. It resulted in a disbanded movement with people still taking the drugs but lacking cohesion and purpose. The fog and lack of clarity increased through the 80's. I'm sure there remained many who had the proper attitude about entheogens, but they were an exception. Unfortunately, many who were attracted to the aftermath weren't fleeing to it for a sense of love and unity, but for rebellion and an attempt to relieve themselves of personal accountability, or because it was trendy. I'm sure there were other reasons, but none were very close to the original movement. There were diamonds in the rough, but this reckless category of drug user comprised the majority, and still do, and probably always will. I wouldn't use experience involving them as a frame of reference myself.

Anyone who blames acid for fucking them up, citing random chance or something, is just like anyone who complains about society; they're only sublimated complaints about our own selves.

 

does he know me personaly/?
how can he doubt my experiebnces>
im not saying everyone who does acid will get fucked up
i said
some do
to deny that is imature and shows extreeme disrespect for the power of the drug

untill you see an acid casualty its easy to say none exist
but when youve seen dozens? maybe 100 or more? then can yadeny thy may have been harmed by tripping?

it happens
and when it does it can b extreme

 

Would you consider yourself to be a casualty, soaringeagle? You know, the negativity, grumpiness, talking down on everyone, etc?

I've seen acid do that to some people (or let it happen to them as a result of several factors). Thinking back on some of the old hippies I've known that toured with the Dead, they could easily be separated into two groups: the ones who still find wonder in the world and respect youth, and the bitter old grumpy ones who act like they've seen and know everything.

 

i never said that acid doesnt playing a roll in fucking SOME people up. but that it is not soley acids fault for the people that do get fucked up. in fact i think it has very little to do with acid. sooner or later the people who get fucked up woulda found something else that would have been the catalyst to their despair.

 

and i also dont agree with the term acid casualty. SHIT TALK LIKE THIS BY PEOPLE LIKE YOU IS WHAT GIVES ACID A BAD REP!!!