when to let it go and when to walk away

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by claireni, Mar 8, 2008.

  1. claireni

    claireni Member

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    Im just looking for some friendly advice, and dont really know who to talk to about all this, so thought i would try here. i will try to keep it as short as i can.

    been with my bf for 6 years. lived together for 5. apart from the problem i am posting about we have had no problems.

    2 years ago, i came home from a week away, my bf was at work, i put on my computer and went into our shared email account (we have one each, and also one we share for close friends/online shopping etc) there was an email that my bf had sent, to another man. my bf had told the guy his looks, his size...etc.

    i spoke to him when he got home, he told me he had been curious one night and decided to contact someone just for the hell of it, out of curiosity. i didnt buy it, but after time things went back to normal.

    I emailed the guy, and he confirmed everything, and also confirmed they never met, he didnt even respond to my bf email. I went away again (i moved 250 miles when we moved in together, so at that time i was visiting family quite a lot) and when i got back something made me check the computer, i found he had been visiting gay/bi/tranny sites, camsites, etc he had also set up a profile on a gay dating site.

    it got to the point where he had resorted to having a secret email account and a spare sim card, where he would contact other men.

    it also got to the point where he would appologise and sweet talk, cry a little and get me to forgive him, it was a visious circle, until i finally snapped, packed my stuff and left.

    over the three months i was away, we talked a lot, and i asked him why, why he had claimed to love me and string me along for all those years when he was obviously gay or at the least bi sexual, thats when he told me the truth.

    he was abused when he was on a family holiday when he was 12, parents went out to diner and left him and his sister to do as they pleased, they both went to the beach and got drunk with some friends they had made, one of them wasnt that friendly after all, later that night he raped my bf. (i know this to be true, his mother told me in confidence after she found out what he was doing.

    he told me he contacted these men, not to have sex with them, but to lead them on, to make them think he would have sex with them, then leave them hanging at the last min, and cut all contact, thus, in his head at least, he had the power over a man, instead of the guy who raped him having the power, if you understand.

    fast forward to now, i decided to stand by him, and he opened up to me, saw a councellor, got rid of his computer, a lot of positive things to show he is trying to not only overcome his demons, but also try to get over being raped, things were great between us the last year and a half, then today, i find a mobile top up card, he is on contract, he did this the last time when he was contacting other men, that way it wouldnt show up on his bills..

    am i jumping the gun here or do i have a right to be worried? its all starting again isnt it?
  2. OlderWaterBrother

    OlderWaterBrother May you drink deeply Lifetime Supporter

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    I suggest you sit down and ask yourself one simple question, why do I stay with this person?

    If the true answer is I love him, in other words you have decided that you want him to be your lifetime companion. Then you have your answer, stay and work it out!

    But if it’s for some other reason, like you just want to help him or you don’t want to throw away the years you’ve invested or you’ve become comfortable with your situation, then you can still be friends but it’s time to move on!
  3. Honey~Bee

    Honey~Bee Member

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