when long distance friendships breakdown or go nowhere

Hello, I want to discuss a situation with a friend who I developed a romantic interest in. I met her on a discussion board (not here) around April 2018, we began talking daily within the messaging system of the forum. After a while we used the instant chat function on there and spent a bit of time talking, we then moved on to discord as the chat would freeze on the forum and from that point on we didn't interact on the board as much. I noticed quite quickly I was developing feelings for her, there was an awkward moment where she sent me a nude photo and I interpreted it as her taking a romantic interest as well, she then went on to apologize and how she didn't mean to give me that impression, she expressed no desire to want to start a long distance relationship. I should point out we live in separate countries around 900 miles as the crow flies. Things went awkward for a while but we kept chatting with each other, we talked relatively consistently until the autumn, when she disappeared, she seemed to be getting a bit more distant before this. this became a theme, talking in short bursts for few days, then her disappearing for months.

She then returned after Christmas and she suggested talking via text on mobile phones, I assumed this was because of problems with her and someone else in discord and how the platform gives her bad memories of that person or groups she was part of. I agree and feel maybe we are getting closer? Tbh throughout all this time I waver constantly between thinking I want me and her to end up being together to thinking how it will never work because of problems between us. The way things happen is that the mood will just go sour through miscommunication or she will be upset about something and it will be very difficult to get her to change her view,it always feels like we are saying the wrong things to each other despite our best intentions. This has been a very demanding friendship, she will message me asking for help because of nightmares, psychotic episodes and problems with her family other friends or other dudes, the latter pretty much always gets me down. I bought a new phone so that I can be there for her through discord when she needed me, I personally feel I've been the best friend a person could ever ask for! But it almost feels like nothing I do is enough. Its been getting me very down at times, I have my own mental health issues that I have to tackle and feeling unloved is quite gut wrenching. I do a lot for her but this is not reciprocated with her. I feel quite often I'm being used as she will only contact me when she needs help, and she is often apologising, everything is on her terms. If I contact her just because I miss her my messages go unanswered and she makes little effort to reply to what I say when she does finally return my message.

Our last attempt to try to build things better with her was when she went on one of her long hiatus' then blew up my phone telling me she needs a friend,this is basically what always happens. I once again state how I am here and her friend! and she can talk to me (because i'm always there to listen, reply and support). She says about making phone calls because she can't always text right in English ,I ask if she wants to work towards it as a goal because I have telephone anxiety with some people (I know what some of you are thinking why not just go for it, but my anxiety can be crippling and id probably be a mess so things would probably just go awkward.) I suggest we work towards it if she can help me get used to it, she pretty much ignores this request and once again we haven't talked for months.

I'm now at the point where I feel I've done all I can, I love her but this is dysfunctional and it causes me a great deal of pain every time we go through this rollercoaster of elation then depression, I suspect she knows how dysfunctional it is and also thinks the same. There are problems for me, there is always someone more interesting to her than me, I am often hurt by her ignoring me, I can't deal with her telling me about random dudes she is crushing on or has a sexual interest in. She can be a closed book at times when I want to know something, it's frustrating because my thoughts run away and go crazy if I don't have clarity from her. I sometimes have no idea how she feels about things. Sometimes the fun is totally drained from our conversations, it starts great but then one of us will be a killjoy towards the other, not deliberately, just a fuckup or the way things go... She's really hot and cold, blowing up my phone then I'm frozen out and she disappears, she's never there when I need her,despite me always doing my best to be there for her.

I didn't want to walk away from this as she is very sensitive and hurt easily, and I thought I had found a good friend for life. but I can't see a way forward, I tried to get her to work with me on things but that's been declined. when she disappears for a long time I sometimes miss her and wish I could have someone with so much shared interests and thoughts like her in my life but when we talk again its so tumultuous and throws my emotions all over the place that I appreciate the stability of mood the quiet times bring...
there are problems which I don't think we can resolve, and it just hurts every time we go through the rollercoaster of emotion. I feel it's very one sided and I can't deal with her always apologising to me. I'm thinking I should just back off and stop being so enthusiastic or bending over backwards but I've also thought about cutting away completely and ghosting this situation. It's just too painful and it's making my compromised mental health even worse.

I don't really know what to do or how to handle this situation appropriately
thanks for reading this.

 

This is not been easy as there is a lot of reading .I apologise before hand if I have missed anything .

Long distance relationships at the best of times are very difficult to keep going and normally there is some sort of face to face meeting up. If only for a few days or so. I havn't seen any evidence of this.

I also get the feeling of different agendas here as well. She IMO just wants a friendship . Yes the nude photo I am thinking could have been a mistake or just being her way of flirting . You .however come across to me as wanting some type of relationship to start. You appear to be beginning to get emotionally hooked on her which could, if developed further ,end up with you being hurt in the future .

IMO you need for your own sake go down to her level and accept her as a friend only and try and move on with your own life .

I am sorry that this may not be the response that you wanted but I just cannot see a relationship developing based on what you have posted. It appears all one sided to me .

 

She's using you. She has absolutely no romantic intentions toward you, and I would say even the "friendship" isn't genuine. It's easy to dehumanize a person you speak to online. She doesn't sound like she sees you as an actual human being with needs and feelings.. You're just a voice on the internet who is there whenever she needs someone to make her feel better. Cut her off completely, that's what I'd advise.

 

Thankyou for being honest. that's right, we haven't met each other. i've wanted to work towards this with things like face to face video skype, that sort of thing, but it's difficult because she tends to be very insistent and impatient. money is also a problem, the costs to go abroad and visit would be a problem for me at the moment. if she lived in my country I think I would have found a way around this. really, I want to know where I am with her before I invest in going abroad and on expensive journeys. a person who I have been working with lately said to me, you haven't got much to go on here? its not easy to just up and leave the country and there isn't a lot of incentive right now. and that is kinda how I feel, shes not giving me anything here.

you're right, that is what I want in life, I want to settle down with someone. I hoped to find a friend who could be a partner as I like to have something in common with them and I think that could be fun. I think I am already emotionally hooked if truth be told and I feel certain situations with her behaviour does hurt me at times.

this is what I had suspected and perhaps why this situation playing out how it does has been hurting me a lot. it's like you say, not being treated like a real human being. she has the capacity to support people it just seems like a reluctance to want to or that other things in her life are more important and interesting to her. she has spoken to me when I feel down, but it's almost like I had to really prompt her and be very direct about it, there was no easy way to do that like you would expect in a normal friendship. iow you'd gradually work into it by making conversation. and its a bit like when she has spoken to me and been a support she just disappears afterwards and is very difficult to get hold of again,making this very awkward for an equally supportive system to be established. I think once when I did a favour for her she then sort of said if you need to speak to me about something say it now. as if to say, I would need to turn on and off my needs at her whim or under her conditions. and I came away thinking, that's not how these things work!

 

Yeah, you sound like you know, really.
It's hard to give up when you care for someone
But I hope you can put yourself first and cut off this one sided relationship before it takes up more of your time and energy.
Find someone else worth your affection.

 

+1 Good advice .