ok so here's a situation one of my good friends is in and I don't know what to tell her. first, there is a pretty girl that works with her boyfriend. She wanted to meet her, but her boyfriend never introduced her and he said he would. Then a few nights ago, he was having a sex dream and was moaning this girl's name. She waited until the next morning to say something. She calmly said her feelings were hurt and even though she understood he couldn't control his dreams and that things like that happen, she wanted an apology and a few words of encouragement. She also wanted him to introduce her like he said he would. According to her, he did apologize, but went on a long tangent about how it was ok, and that she should know how he felt so he didn't need to say it over and over. He called her ridiculous and even laughed when she got upset that he wouldn't meet her needs. Now, was she in the wrong for asking him to make her feel better? Or was he wrong to put up a fight and refuse to say anything nice to give her some reassurance?
I think your friend was right in asking for him to make her feel better. In any healthy relationship you need to meet your partners' needs. Therefore, by her telling him what she needed, he should have provided her with that, no questions asked. Maybe he did apologize, but that doesn't mean he meant it. Support your friend...she's gonna need it in the future, I can already see it coming.
Ok, headymoe.....here's my thoughts on this one; Your friend is being a bit insecure, though not totally. This is because she is concerned - naturally - that her boyfriend is falling for this other girl, or that he has, perhaps, already slept with her. However, giving him some grief because he moaned out this chicks name was not really that clever a move. This kinda whinning thing could drive him away and make him think of this other girl all the more! What she should have done was be COOL. She should have bided her time, and subtly found out about this other chick herself (& women I find are pretty good at this!). IF she finds out her boyfriend IS seeing this other girl, or has designs on her, THEN she can give him a broadside and kiss his ass goodbye. If, she finds out this other girl is cute and he is, maybe, a little attracted to her, then the LAST thing she needs to do is act jealous, and nosey and clingy. That COULD drive him into this other girls arms. IF she had appeared cool and nonchalent at the start, he would have seen his girlfriend had a strong sense of self worth, and this small 'competition' was beneath her concern. It would also have sent him a strong signal that she is so confident in herself that he is lucky, and clever enough, to be her boyfriend in the first place, and this other chick would fade out of his mind. In short, she needs to not make her jealousy and insecurity so obvious, and to wait for hard evidence before she gives him a hard time.
Yeah but if something is BOTHERING her, she needs to express it as soon as possible or else it is going to build up inside of her and then she will go about expressing it in the wrong way. Moe even said that she expressed it calmly to him...had she waited to let it build up inside, she may not have been so calm about it.
i agree with dancerannie its like i probalbly did apoliogze but that dosent mean he means it words are words while actions what she need to look for
right, in this situation, she said she tried to stay really calm and tell her how she felt, and told him what she needed from him to make her feel better. Another point they are arguing about is, he says it was wrong of her to spell out what needed to be done. She says, why not tell someone what would make them feel better? I don't know what to say to either of them. I totally understand that he didn't mean to hurt her- it was only a dream. The hard part is, she know that too and just wanted a little reassurance. When laughed at and ridiculed, she got angry. I don't want to take my friends side just because she's my friend, but I really think that she wasn't asking too much. Seriously, how many times have people been in an argument and liked to have been told step by step what would make thier partner feel loved?
Not necessarily. There is a time and a place. IF this had happened 3 or 4 times, then yeah. We are talking about ONE slip here - as yet, I believe I am correct in assuming there is no evidence he IS attracted to this other girl let alone done anything about it - and she's giving him a hard time! Men have a HORROR of nagging women, and it is not an attractive trait.....at all. He wouldn't BE with her if he didn't like, her, BUT women have to keep asking for reassurance over, frankly, tiny, silly things like this. Madness. But, hey, you girls know best.
If a guy is dreaming about boinking another girl, then he's probably thinking those thoughts during the day also (more then likely, but not always the case). unclean thoughts leads to unclean actions, thats how I view it anyway, I don't blame your friend for wanting reasurance, If I was her I would have felt a little hurt too! but if he doesn't allow the two of them to meet then I'd start to worry, he may have developed serious feelings for the other girl. But I Like what Silver Salamander had to say, good points!
Thanks, Incubus. Just trying to give a male's perspective, here, which is important, BUT the girls are all having fun joining together and hanging this dude....:X ....without any real evidence of any misdemeanour on his part. I have seen such insecurity separate too many couples in my time, who were perfect for each other but one got so insecure that the other couldn't take it any more. What we are dealing with here is 'insecurity', and God knows most of us have suffered from it, from time to time, but it's a slippery path to disaster. The best thing to do is just let bygones be bygones, otherwise the poor guy is in for a hell of a rough ride if he so much as says the wrong thing (men excell at this, without even trying, and NOT just to annoy their women! ) and it's gonna be curtains.
innocent untill proven guilty I guess right! lol I do agree about the insecurity, it eats away at you from the inside out gnawing at your heart! I have expirenced this at times (not quite that bad of course!) but every day I try to do something or say something to myself that builds me up and makes me a stronger person Jealousy is a horrible thing and in most all case tears apart the very thing your trying so hard not to!
I think whether she was insecure or that it was illogical is beside the point. If he cares about her, then he would want to make her feel better and secure in him. Its not like she was blaming him or being whiny or anything. Guys just have mindless moments sometimes and aren't aware of their actions. I think him laughing at her was insensitive and he missed an opportunity to turn towards her.
hey now, I'm not having any fun seeing as these two are my friends, and I'm certainly not trying to "hang" him. The matter at hand is not jealousy. The issue is whether she had the right to say he should make her feel better or not, as the dream was out of his control. I understand both thier points, which is why I came here to ask how I should react to them. and just for the record, she isn't a jealous kind of girl, and he's a really good guy. They just can't get past this issue. It's gotten out of hand actually. the big fight now is over the fact that she wanted him to say or do something to make her feel good, and he refused. I think that hurt her way more than the dream. But does she have the right to feel that way?
Does she have the right to feel hurt?? does it really matter, I mean, if thats how she feels, then thats how she feels. IMO he didn't have the right to laugh at her when she needed him to be there for her, but we all make mistakes from time to time and say things we later realize were harsh but you say he's a nice guy so I'm sure his laughing was not intended to hurt her. I know shes your friend and you want to help her out, but sometimes when people bring others into their problems it only confuses things and makes matters worse. I'd reasure her he probably didn't mean to hurt her feelings and to have a good heart to heart with him, and leave it at that.
I have asked my husband one to many times to reasure me, make me feel better, in situations where he didn't do anything wrong, it was just me being insecure. he was not at all defensive but would lovingly hug, kiss, and cuddle me and talk to me till I felt better! he did not rub it in that I was wrong but was there for me! I would do the same for him in a second! thats how I think it should be but I know not all relationships are like that. To me it doesn't matter if the person didn't do anything wrong, when your mate is in need you do whatever it takes to help them and make them feel better.
Insecurity is a pretty big turn off for me. If a girlfriend of mine started getting weird just because I worked with or otherwise was around a "pretty" girl, that would get on my nerves. So, if the girl continues to get concerned about something that isn't an issue and I have already told her that it is not an issue I would like her to believe me and trust what I say. If she continues to worry that would frustrate me greatly because she doesn't trust/believe me. On the other hand, I doubt that the dream was completely "innocent" Sometimes we can have strange yet fleeting superficial attractions that can manifest themselves in dreams. This doesn't mean, however, that we have any interests or intentions at all with regards to the other person. Your friend needs to trust her boyfriend when he says there is nothing going on, and if she continues to "push" her concern she may very well drive him away.
