Whatever you want to do...

Am I the only one that gets annoyed by this comment?

Dont get my wrong I love my boyfriend to death but this one comment annoys me beyond belief...
He says it more then the word "the" Im serious..

When I ask him, what do you want for dinner, what movie do you want to rent, where do you want to go...he always replies with, "Whatever you want to do"..or "you decide"
He couldnt make a decision if his life depended on it. And it makes me feel bad, I try sooooooooooo hard to get it out of him what HE not me wants to do or go or something he wants. But he will never ever tell me. Its always what I want. And thats frustrating...
I sometimes feel as though I am in a relationship with myself... I want him to speak up and tell me what HE wants, not me...

Anyone else have this problem or am I alone on this...
and if anyone has any suggestions on trying to get him to open up and have his own opinions that would be great cause I have tried everything..

 

yeah, that drives me absolutely batty too. It's alright if sometimes they give you the option of making the decision, but when they're incapable of making a simple decision like where to go for supper or what movie to see, it makes me very frustrated. Spinelessness is a huge turn off to me, and in my brain that's what it amounts to. Or at least not very good at being independent.

 

exactly..
its okay a few times like if you really dont care.. but everything is, whatever you want to do or its your choice...arrgg it drives me up the wall.. Cause I know most of the things are things he doesnt want to do and im not a good guesser and I cant read minds so I have a hard time with it..
I just wish hed would open up and tell me...sometimes when he says that, I say things like, "alright well, today lets run you over with my car"...he'll just shrug..not even a laugh...
I tell him just to please, plllleeeaasssee tell me...and I actually beg at times (thought the annoying constant begging and pleading would make him blurt out something, but thats a negatory)..

 

Yeah, I had to dump my first girlfriend because of that.

 

i hate wishy washyness...it's always been a huge turnoff for me. i even have a hard time being FRIENDS with people like that, let alone being in a relationship...have you let him know that you feel this way about this issue? he might not even know...

 

yeah! same problem with guys i know as well. and girls come to think of it, i usually end up deciding where to go when i'm out with my friends.

you could always lightly threaten him, like "if you want to go on a date with me, then you plan it, surprise me" and don't go out with him until he comes up with something

 

Haha, thank you all, glad to see I am not the only one bothered by this...

I try talking to him about it and the replies I always get is, "I just really dont care, it doesnt matter to me" And I tell him that its very tiring to have to make every single decision, it really is.
And he just says, well, sorry.
I know its in him, he just needs to break free Break free little grasshopper, break free..yeah, I dont know..heh

Im not going to end the relationship over it cause simply I love him.. But I just find myself getting so frustrated with him where I get really angry about it..
Like he cant even decide what cereal to buy at the store, I always have to pick out all the groceries all the time. And most of the time its crap he doesnt like, but instead of telling me, hell just eat crap that he hates.
I just want him to make decisions for himself cause life will be easier for him if he does..

I found myself just yesterday not making any decisions.. like he'll ask me, what do you want for dinner or what do you want to watch.. I started to say, whatever you want..and he made a face and we did nothing the whole night

 

i do that all the time to my girl. It's beacause I don't want to take responsibilty for anything if she doesn't like it or something goes wrong.

It's a crappy trait of mine.

 

RE: Dont get my wrong I love my boyfriend to death but this one comment annoys me beyond belief...
He says it more then the word "the" Im serious..

OK, seriously, not to troll, this is why men do this.

No word of a lie.

At first in the relationship, you make decisions. I mean, you can decidedly make decisions, unless you're one of those guys living in mom's basement scared to leave the house. But you aren't with one of those guys.

However:

When you end up having one too many conversations like these: (excuse the exaggerations made to shorten this discourse and get to the point)

HER: "What do you want to eat?"
HIM: "Well, I could go for Indian food right now..."
HER: "OK, so, like, ick. I hate curry. And furthermore I don't want to smell like masala sauce for hours afterwards, and besides, last week Mandy's friend Jim ate there and got food poisoning, and..."
HIM: "Well, what about that German place?"
HER: "Ah, right, well, apart from lots of beer, which you tend to drink too much of anyway, it's all sausages and bits of boiled dough. Ick. No thanks."
HIM: "Well, there's always barbeque..."
HER: "Ribs covered in sauce. Right. Like I want to go to the movies afterwards covered in barbeque sauce."

what happens is she's saying this:

HER: Listen, I'd like you to make a decision but I'd like to you think it through. I do that all the time. Every decision I make, I have to weigh up what I need and want as well as what you need and want, and weigh all this stuff and figure something out we'll both really like, and I feel like I'm carrying all the weight here and the only one who cares. I certainly would take the time and trouble to consider and reject all those for perfectly valid reasons. But tonight I'm just too tired. Please, please please show you actually care.

He hears:

SAY SOMETHING ELSE THAT'S DUMBASS SO THAT I CAN REJECT IT AND PUT YOU DOWN AGAIN.

After a few conversations like this the guy realises that "whatever you'd like" avoids the fight, discussion, and cuts to the chase of what she wants. To him it seems like a perfectly reasonable streamlining of the process, because he figures she has a place in mind anyway why go around the houses trying to guess which place she's thinking of?

Similarly, when you want to talk to him about a problem, you need to realise that (once again, these are generalisations, exaggerated to make a point, no trolling)

women say:

WO1: "Oh my God. You wouldn't believe the problems I'm having with my boss."
WO2: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Gosh, that must be really rough."
WO1: "It is. He's just on my case the entire time and no matter what I do he's always finding fault with it."
WO3: "My boss does the same thing!"
WO4: "Totally. And this REALLY SUCKS."
WO3: "Well, I can totally relate, and as far as I'm concerned, I've always known you to be really conscientious of what you do, and girlfriend as far as I am concerned he doesn't know what he's talking about..."

(ice cream, relating, discussion...)

versus men:

M1: "My boss is really getting on my case about everything. I'm framing the goddamn wall and he's telling me I'm doing it wrong, even though he's in management and wouldn't know how to frame a wall if you built the frame beforehand and handed it to him saying "nail it to that stud there. Got any jobs at your site?"
M2: "Yeah. I'll talk to Mike tomorrow."
M1: "What's on ESPN?"

The former tends towards supporting the feelings of the person in question, the last is about finding a practical solution.

Disaster strikes when you mix the approaches.

WO1: "Oh my gosh, I am having so many problems with my boss."
MA1: "So, quit. Go back to the bookstore."

(flicks on the TV)

He thinks he's done what she wants, which is find a solution. She thinks he doesn't care.

or vice versa.

MA1: "Goddamn, I am about ready to kill my boss."
WO1: "How does that make you feel?"
MA1: (flipping through phone book) "I've gotta find something else."
WO1: "Maybe he's going through a bad time right now."
MA1: "Sorry, can you stifle yerself a moment there? I'm on the phone."

 

I'm not reading all of that. If you have dated bubble-headed Barbie-dolls, that is not our problem. I am not like that and I don't know anyone who is......correction, I do, but I don't like being around them.

ANYWAY....to the original post....I had a boyfriend like that, I had to choose everything...it kind of made me dominant and it made future relationships difficult because I was used to being Captain..

Suggestion: Try giving him 2 or 3 options and ask him to pick from them. And Pat him on the head and tell him he's a good boy.

 

RE: I'm not reading all of that. If you have dated bubble-headed Barbie-dolls, that is not our problem. I am not like that and I don't know anyone who is......correction, I do, but I don't like being around them.

Sorry DM - the Cliffs Notes version is simply that guys think that conversation is conflict, and avoid it by saying "whatever you want".

 

I read it..( i know, im surprised i can read myself sometimes)
And I see you're point but since we have been together hes never told me what he wants or anything, I always end up guessing.
I know his past relationships werent pleasant...
I love him so much and would never make him feel a certain way for him giving me ideas or telling me what he wants or opening up to me...
I dont make a big deal about it, Im a goofy person and make anything into a joke and so forth, so I never make him feel bad about it. I dont know where it really stems from, him not being a decision maker at all, but I really wanna know so I can help him, and I dont mean that like poor guy hes retarded I mean, so he can feel that he can tell me what he wants without feeling rejected or that I will automatically dismiss it. Thats not the case...
We have a great relationship we never fight, its weird everything is great, but he cant make any decisions.. Even decisions not pretaining to our relationship.. He will call me and ask me if he should stay late to make up time at work.. And I just want him to say what HE wants, and not what other people make him or think he wants, ya know..
I dont know if I am even making sense..
But I do know that I dont make him feel bad because of this and I dont get on his ass about it, I laugh about it and try to seriously get him to a point where its okay to tell me, hey I want to do so and so, lets watch so and so ....and Ill be like, okay good idea.. I love him and care about him so much and just wants whats best...
Thank you all for your replys sportos

 

holy crap IronGoth... you posted something that was all supportive and made sense I've noticed some of htat, but not all of it heh. Us gals do like to vent, it makes us feel better and reduces the conflict for us... we just want to talk it out, and guys are always trying to find solutions


I don't know how to help your guy out shroomy. I always ended up breaking up with guys like that because I'm not patient enough to try and unteach some of those bad behaviours in people.

 

haha..
its frustrating but im no peach so therefore cant make it like hes wrong or something cause i know he cant help it, and i know hes not trying to be poopie or anything..
we all have our set backs...haha look at all of mine theres millions...
I just love him so much (blah i know ive said this a few times already, almost as much as a romance novel) and hes the one i want to be with, so i dont want to end it or make it into a big ordeal..
And I dont want him to feel as though Im, I dont know how to explain it..

 

RE: I know his past relationships werent pleasant...

Bingo. It's about baggage. He's not comfortable enough to think (deep down) you'd act any differently. Men are rather touchy - one wrong sentence and you can screw up an aspect of a relationship for life.

"But I only made a joke about his johnson that one time...."

But hey, women do that too. Many an anorexic spiral was caused by an offhand fat joke.

I'm not saying you did it - I'm saying that there are a lot of women having to deal with the baggage from other people, which sucks.

RE: I love him so much and would never make him feel a certain way for him giving me ideas or telling me what he wants or opening up to me...

Then tell him that. We're really bad at empathy and believe me, we tend not to pick up on that ourselves

RE: I dont make a big deal about it, Im a goofy person and make anything into a joke and so forth,

Hmmm... if a previous girlfriend made a lot of jokes which over time got more and more and more personal, hurtful, sarcastic and cutting - you might be pushing a button there... worth investigating.

RE: but I really wanna know so I can help him, and I dont mean that like poor guy hes retarded

Well, if you want to bring that up, I suggest you do. But try to address it obliquely, "why don't you make a decision" is confrontational no matter how you phrase it. And he's clearly trying to avoid it.... whereas "you know, I don't like the idea that I'm deciding things for you or dictating things to you *pats on shoulder* all the time. Take me where you want to go - and even if I don't like it it won't matter. I'd rather try something different or new and not be so into it than do what I usually do."

RE: I mean, so he can feel that he can tell me what he wants without feeling rejected or that I will automatically dismiss it. Thats not the case...

Whoof. A lot of girls take damaged men and try and dig. They mean well, really. But I mean, let's put it this way, imagine if you've hurt yourself, you've got a cut that's just scabbed itself over, and so long as nothing and nobody touches it it doesn't hurt anymore - the last thing you want is someone opening that up and digging around in the healing tissue with tweezers no matter how gently they want to do it. That leads to a vicious cycle - the woman tries to get into her man's head but the problem is the last chick did it to mess him up, so he pushes her away.

RE: He will call me and ask me if he should stay late to make up time at work.. And I just want him to say what HE wants, and not what other people make him or think he wants, ya know..

Best thing is, tell him that it's safe for him to do that. In fact, that'd probably be the best way to go about it. Make it about "you know what? It's OK to want things and to ask for em, and I appreciate you taking my feelings into consideration - but right now it's important for me to know you're doing what you want to do, here."

RE: I dont know if I am even making sense..

You are! I just hope I am.

RE: But I do know that I dont make him feel bad because of this and I dont get on his ass about it, I laugh about it and try to seriously get him to a point where its okay to tell me, hey I want to do so and so, lets watch so and so ....and Ill be like, okay good idea.. I love him and care about him so much and just wants whats best...

Best of luck

The only thing I can do is point out where the landmines MIGHT be....

One last word of advice --- some women say "well, whatever you wish to do" but make it clear the subtext is "and you'd goddamn better guess what it is I wish you to do but tell me it's what YOU want or else". How to get around that I've no clue. I still haven't, myself.

 

For me and my girl, there's a difference between being totally apathetic and really just "being up for anything". One of my major problems, something I've been trying to fix for a long time, is that I tend to be passive agressive. Like, when I get really angry I don't lash out or start screaming -- atleast not on the outside. I generally become a bag of shit and just mope around saying, "I don't care", or "whatever you want". Grrrr, just talking about makes me annoyed with myself

Anyways, I'm doing my best nowadays to realize when I'm being a prick and when I'm really just, as I said, "up for anything".

Because in all truth, there are some nights when I really don't care what we do. Ya know? Like, going to the movies, going to dinner, going to a park, I don't care, just as long as I'm with her -- I'm set So I guess in my head I just figure she may as well decide what she wants to do and as long as I can tag along, I'm peachy.

But I am making an effort to try and be more assertive in that department. She sat me down one day and just said, "Listen, somedays I'm too tired when I come home from work and I don't want to think about what we're doing for dinner.. so on those days, please, just PLEASE, make a damn descion!"

So I've been doing my best to try and be a little more forward. It's been tough here and there, but I'm getting over it.

Best of luck!
Goo

 

Thanks for the post..
when I say Im a goofy person and so forth and make jokes (there not the tyope i make here, that would be mean ) Im not sacrastic and sassy with him, im talking about just, oh lord this is embarrassing, but like pinch his cheeks and smile and not show that it frustrates me or anything...and sometimes he laughs and acts as though he might say hey lets do this...
I really appreciate your advice and your words Iron..
I know he has a lot of baggage, his last girlfriend cheated and hurt him really really bad..and they were in a serious relationship..So, understand that causes some of the reasoning...
I just want him to know that I want to do want he wants, and dont want to have him feel as though its about me. And i really dont know how to approach talking to him about it cause I..im tied up in my words here, so Im lost for a second...
Im not really trying to dig and try to find the basic reasoning cause I dont bring up anything about his past or anything thats for him to decide if he wants to talk about it or not.. I dont know, maybe Im reading to deep into this and should just maybe find out by things what he would like to do and do them and maybe he will come around...

 

Ganja - naw, her BF is clearly coming off a relationship with someone who was overbearing and nasty. I feel for 'shroom, who is being put into a position she doesn't want.

 

Thanks for the post and so forth sir ninja...
again maybe I am reading to deeply into this and maybe he really just doenst care and like you said, is tired and just wants to be with me (haha hard to imagine I know )
Maybe I should just let it go and wait for him to maybe come around or not even come around but to, dont know the word..yeah..
And just maybe one day he will decide what cereal he would like for breakfast

Thanks yall (yes, I said yall) for your honest opinions and advice and thoughts..THANK YA!

 

see thats what i sorta think, he has told me some stuff (and some of it i would like to hunt her down for) but I dont want to pry into it or ask personal questions, hell tell me when he wants or what he wants...
But maybe I should just wait, I know for positive I dont want to break up with him over this cause its really not a huge issue to me, sometimes it is but I dont make it aware to him cause I dont know...
Maybe Im just being overly paranoid about it.. meh i dont know...