What would you do if you were a dad whose son "came out"?

This is a hypothetical question.

If you were a bi/straight married (or divorced) male, and your son came out to you, how would you handle the situation?

If I were straight (and married, with a son), I would first commend my son for his honesty and courage, embrace him, and tell him I am, and always will be, his father, his best friend, and I will support him all the way, unconditionally.

I WOULD tell him, though, for his own personal safety, NOT to admit his sexuality to ANYONE, not even his closest buds, that is, IF he is fortunate enough to have friends that he feels are trustworthy and loyal.

Likewise, I would tell him NOT to "open up" to a school counsellor, UNLESS this man is 100% trustworthy, and is known to be supportive of gays.

I would also tell my son: "Do NOT admit your sexuality to ANYONE else, either in the family or out of it, UNLESS I know how the other will accept you.You have done NOTHING wrong, but, in the name of your own personal safety, you would be wise simply not to say ANYTHING, regarding your sexuality. With all the bullying these days (often leading to heartbreaking consequences), an old saying comes to mind: 'least said, soonest mended'."

If I could afford it, i would have my son home-schooled, as further insurance that my son would not be subject to bullying, bashing, or worse.

I would strongly encourage my son to find fulfillment and enjoyment through his own person, delving deeply into his hobbies and interests.

Perhaps this all sounds as though I were "locking my son away", but this would not be the case at all. I would be only thinking of his own personal welfare, and his self-respect.

Today's world, sadly, is becoming more and more hostile towards gays and bisexuals (of all ages)......we are now going backwards, instead of forwards.

I would spend as much time as I could with my son, forging an even tighter bond of loving trust and mutual respect between us.

That being said, I have the utmost and greatest respect for today's parents who are 100% supportive of their gay/bi sons (and daughters); their task in life is indeed a most formidable and challenging one, but the love for their children is THE force that challenges the forces of narrow-minded bigots and intolerant bullies.

When the young man is old enough to leave home, and go out on his own, THEN he can "face the world", use his own judgements, and reflect on how he was raised, with respect, love, and honesty.................

"Respect and courage for all who walk this Earth"

 

I'm straight and if my son or daughter were to 'come out', I would be supportive as necessary but treat them in exactly the same way as I did before they came out.

Different people live in different environments and so, schooling where I live would not be an issue. Yes there may be bullying or other unpleasant treatment of him or her by some people in school but the safeguards in our area (of the UK) are such that school, is a safe place. I get the impression that in some places within the US, that is not the way and I'm shocked that such a free country isn't actually free.

my 2c

 

Good comments; thanks for sharing your views here.

You are obviously a father who has much in the way of both common sense and decency; sadly, too many parents these days are anything but.

Agreed; in many areas, it would appear that there is more "tolerance" and "acceptance" than in others.

Interestingly, though many rural communities (as a general rule) are, sadly, not known for being "gay friendly", many "cosmopolitan" urban areas can also be places where tolerance and acceptance are not at the forefront.

I know, from what I have read, that many things are quite different in the UK, than they are here in the States.

QUITE refreshing to hear of "safe" schools; we certainly do not here much of this, nowadays........

"Treat others as you yourself wish to be treated."

 

Papa:

I do thank you for sharing with us so much personal experience; so much heartbrfeak, heartache, and misunderstanding involved, regarding ANY family, when it comes to a family member revealing their true sexuality.

The finest parents are those who love their children unconditionally; the parents whose love and support never, for a moment, waver or falter.

I did not come out as gay until I was nearly 40, and, even then, it was only to my best buddy at work, who was like a brother to me.

He said he thought I was gay but never gave it much thought; I've always been 100% straight-acting and talking.

When I came out to my family, my one brother simply accepted what I had told him (and, in fact, seeing that I never dated or had shown any interest in females, had thought I was gay for years)

My other brother was another story; he could not accept the fact that is "kid brother" was gay, and would not speak to me for several months?

You think that didn't hit me right in the gut.......HARD?

Eventually, he "came around", and did come to grips with my sexuality, and, thankfully, things went back to normal for us.

"Coming out" is NEVER easy, trust me, regardless whether it is involving either family or friends.

Regarding friends, those who remain friends with you AFTER you've "come out" are indeed TRUE friends, and you are indeed blessed.......

"Love is love....there is too much hate in the world"

 

Completely agree w/ the initial post here. There's so much hate and violence on the rise towards all LGBTQ+.

 

The hatred and intolerance that seems to increase daily is like a highly-infectious disease; with each passing day, more and more serious damage is being done.

It is truly sobering......and frightening........to see just how vehemently prejeduiced homophobic bigots are becoming.

And, sad to say, I truly believe things will become far worse before they start to improve.

Hatred represents the ultimate......and final.....triumph of stupidity in our society.

Whatever happened to "Do Unto Others"???

"Left unchecked, bigotry and hatred can wreak as much damage as any serious disease"

 

Papa,
So sorry you had to go through those moments growing up. My belief is people can easily sense it in you if your other sex attraction is strong, and may wonder, but don't bring it up. I only brought one other girl to meet the family besides my spouse, and a second one only because an uncle stumbled upon her leaving after spending the night. It's good you stood by your son's!

If it were me, I'd just want to make sure he used Prep until HIV vaccines are working, get him vaccinated for everything - Hep A&B, HPV, chickenpox (which partly helps prevent and lessen HSV).
Thankfully, it's less and less of an issue with each generation, no matter how hard the religious right fights it, putting BS laws in place. They simply are losing and dying out, but trying to set back progress as much as they can on their way to demographic obscurity.
I would advise a bi or gay or trans son to avoid attending college, or moving to a red state, though!

 

I agree totally about avoiding college (I'm all for home schooling, and taking college courses at home); recall, some years back, a young male college student was "outed" by a fellow student (who also invaded his privacy), causing the promising young man to commit suicide by jumping off the George Washington Bridge.

What a heartbreaking, senseless, tragic waste.

Just imagine how devastated and crushed the young man's parents were.

Being a parent of ANY teen these days is light-years beyond a challenge; it is even more trying and difficult when raising a gay/bi teen in an often unjust, homophobic, bigoted society.......................

"Judge not, lest ye be judged"

 

I meant avoid attending college in a red state,not altogether. Most every university except for religious ones, has an LGBTQ group to help the young adults deal with their orientation, and not feel alone and ostracized.

 

I see now what you mean; appreciate the clarification.

Makes a great deal of sense, from my point of view.

"Safety in numbers" is always a good thing............

"Brotherhood....it isn't just a WORD....it is a WAY of LIFE"

 

I would be accepting and supportive.

I understand your concern with them being open to the world. I totally agree that they should not open up to any school administrators (teachers, counselors, etc).

Depending on their age, I would be fine if they opened up to family members and maybe certain friends.

 

Well said.

It is also most important to make sure your teen understand that it is not SHAME that dictates that he remain "closeted" among friends, school officials, and, alas, even some family members, but it is SAFETY.

In far too many incidents these days, tragic events can take place simply by being HONEST and admitting your true sexuality.

Look at how many families have been split apart; how many solid friendships have been lost, because a teen (or even an adult) chose to be HONEST about HIMSELF.

I have long believed that "honesty is the best policy"; in this case, however, honesty is NOT always the safest option, sad to say.................

"Treat others as you wish to be treated...it's as simple as that"

 

My oldest son came out as bi... by telling me that he'd just come home from having sex with three of his male friends... and the only things I said to him was that I hoped that they had fun and that they played safe. For me to say anything other than that would have made me a hypocrite since, duh, I'm as bisexual as the day is long. We sat and talked about sucking dick, swallowing cum, what's the best lube for anal sex - and talking about how sex with guys differs from sex with women; easier, less complicated, etc.. I couldn't be mad at him about the choice he made in this...

 

I definitely would have rather had my son came out as gay, as opposed to being into bestiality, as his farm animal wife choice proved!

 

Simply put, I would embrace and support him. That's what he would expect and that's what he will get. Always.

 

Never had sons, but two daughters came out to me. It surprised no one (saw that coming from a mile off) nor did they have any problem telling us (as they knew our response before they said anything) 'cause nearly our entire family was bi and out.

I probably would have been shocked only if one had come out as straight!

We weren't much worried about them being out to whomever. This happened after HS and during college days. As has been previously mentioned, colleges have resources and support.

AND (trigger alert! no, really, there are triggers involved!)

We had taught all of our daughters to shoot and shoot well. We drilled gun safety into them. We taught them to be anti-fragile and not to become victims. If it came to it, be the last person standing.

One of the HS graduation gifts to each was a semi-auto. And we insisted they get carry permits wherever they lived. So I don't worry so much about them but I pity the poor bastard who tries them.

 

It looks like you have set up your daughters very well, both in terms of who they are and protecting themselves. Whoever messes with them should not be afraid of their Daddy, at least not initially. But I pray no one ever has to find that out. It's far better for people to find out what great people they are.

 

I hate your advice about discretion...but not because it's wrong, or I disagree. Unfortunately it's the shitty, fucked up reality of the situation. What shouldn't matter matters to people hateful enough to do very real harm. Some of those people are so blinded by hate, they don't realize how destructive they are. I really wish people didn't make mountains out of certain molehills. And that's what I hate.