What the **** just happened?

Hi,

k time for a public unveiling of sorrows n stuff...

I met my wife back in 2002 and did a long distance relationship for about 3 years, she was in the USA and I was in England.
Things went real well, we talked each chance we got and really built something which I thought we were both proud of.
Then I found out that her mom had allegedly kicked her out for sleeping with another guy, I trusted her side of the story and we stayed together, tho we were kinda slipping as to being able to stay in touch every day.
Then finally I moved to the states and we got married, things were kinda ok, it felt great to finally be legally one family with this chick, she told me how proud she was to be with me and everything.
The kinda part of the ok was because as soon as we were married she started going out on her own a lot, not coming back until the early hours and not answering her phone while she was out.
I got mad at some of her excuses and we began to fight, her hating the fact that I was trying to "keep tags" on her, me hating the fact that I had just arrived in the country, knew only her and was left alone without any clue as to where my wife was.
Things kinda to-ed and fro-ed for a few months and then I came home from work early one day and the guy that she had allegedly been seeing was locked inside the house with her, all the lights of the house off and both upstairs in the bedroom.
This guy tried to attack me and i brushed him outta the house, and asked her what was going on. She told me that nothing happend and that I was in the wrong for questioning her.
After a few days things calmed down and we were trying to get on with our lives, she was spending more time at home, but her phone was always mysteriously ringing in the middle of the night, and she would make secretive calls with a sweet sultry sounding theme to the conversation. These were always just to her 'friends' but friends she wouldn't introduce me to.
One day I answered her phone and a guy was on the line, asking to speak to her, and when I told him no (it was the middle of the night and she was asleep) he made death threats to me and swore to perform so many bad things to me. I argued with my wife about this for a long time, and she admitted it was a fucked up thing for this guy to say but would not stop hanging out with him (he was after all just her 'friend').
In the end the arguments got so bad that I left to go back to my home country. We told each other we loved each other and it was only a seperation to find out if we could work things out peacefully.
Then a few days later I phoned up and this guy answered the phone, he was at the house and told me that me and my wife were already divorced and that she was already f**king him.
She denied it, but not so much that I could believe her completely. It got me questioning everything that she had ever said to me and every moment of our life together.
He ended up beating up on her a couple of days later and although me and my wife are now on talking terms, we obviously aren't in a truly madly deeply relationship anymore. She accuses me of being argumentative and I feel I miss her love so much that it physically hurts.

K having heard all that, am I crazy for believing her version of events, for wanting her back and for trying to win her heart back, for apologising for arguing with her over things I heard or should I be thinking more in terms of ending the relationship cold?

 

Get away from her. She's just f****** with your compassion, and using you. You have already seen that you can't trust her, and got back to her every time. She knows that she can play with you, and she will keep doing so.

 

Yes, definitely move on, she's just playing games with you.

 

Leave her she obviously doesn't value you what you guys had together and she is abusing your trust. And I mean when the guy tried to attack you shouldn;t that have been the last straw? Thats ridiculous. Good luck in what you choose to do in this situation, but I personally think for your sake leave you'll be so much better with out. And well probley for her cause now she can do what ever she wants with out "tags".

Good luck.

 

End it. I've been in a relationship with a man who hooked up with another woman while we were together. They were "just friends" as he said but thankfully her husband told me what was going on. I tried to stay and make things work but I really wasn't happy and was constantly wondering who he was with and where he was. There was no way I could trust him and there is no way to work a relationship without trust. She's just going to keep playing with your head and your heart. I know the feeling of missing somebodies love as I am sure many of us do but it will get easier and you will move on and hopefully find somebody that will truly love you because she obviously doesn't.You are letting her walk all over you, if you stay with her you are just asking to get hurt over and over again.

 

Thankyou for the advice, although it probably isn't what I wanted to hear it seems to be very much what I know in the back of my mind.
Does it change anything if I say that after the first few months of disappearances I started to get so angry with the disappearances and arguments I ended up calling her a bitch etc. in the fights we had. Is this normal, or am I an asshole for it?
Although i am consumed with guilt about the verbal abuse and seem to be apologising on a daily basis, her reasoning for not letting me back into her heart at the moment is that I did call her a bitch and a whore.
Does this make me the badguy?
(Please not this is not a loaded question, I am eaten up with guilt over this and just need to know an honest answer)

 

I think that these words you used have definately an abusive character, but so did her action. Being dishonest to ones Partner on a regularly basis, is abusive as well. You both are guilty. So either you both work it out on a partnerly basis, with talking, maybe counseling, her stopping to go with other men, and you stopping calling her bitch. Or you go seperate ways. But I doubt that someone who treated his/her partner the way your wife treaded you from the BEGINNING, is going to change that radically. People don't change. I really would leave, before it gets worse with the abuse. LEAVE. NOW. She put you on a guilt trip, so you feel inferior, and can't say anything towards the things she did. This is abuse as well.

 

First of all, just end the relationship. I know it isn't easy. I too married someone that I didn't know very well. I made a mistake, just like you did here. You can recover from it. It does hurt and it will for a while, but eventually, you will have learned from the situation and it will better prepare you for your next relationship. Honestly, at this point I don't think that there is anything at all worth saving in this relationship. You can't force her to be what she is not or love you if she doesn't. And trust me, this is not love no matter what bullshit lies she feeds you. Maybe she feels guilty or pity or whatever, but I assure you this is not love that she feels for you.

Get divorced and be happy that you don't have children with her (I'm assuming since you didn't mention them). You will find a great gal one day who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.

As far as what you said to her being abusive. Well, I already know I'm going to get flack from this because the people here don't like to hear this kind of thing, but whatever. If she was being a bitch then you should have told her so. So I wouldn't feel badly about that. In the heat of an arguement people say things that are hurtful, for the specific purpose of making the other person feel badly. That is probably why you were calling her names. You wanted to make her feel as badly as you felt. Plus, from what you said, she was treating you like crap before you called her a bitch. She wasn't acting out and sleeping around because you were abusive to her. She was abusing your love and your heart and that hurt so you did something back to hurt her.

Don't get me wrong, I don't support verbal abuse, I just think that everything isn't always as black and white as some people might think it is. I don't think from what you said (now I wasn't there so I can only base my opinion on what you have stated) that you were being abusive. Hurtful yes, but not abusive. Trust me I grew up with abusive, and being called a bitch, isn't that bad in my opinion. And if you are afraid that you were abusive or that this is a pattern, or you feel that you need help with that, then maybe before your next relationship you should go talk to a shrink about it and see if they can come up with some better ways for you to express yourself other than lashing out and calling names. It is very hard when you are in the heat of an arguement to think about what you are doing. A professional should be able to help you.

When Jer and I first started dating I tried so hard not to call him names. But in doing that I was not letting my guard down and being myself either. It was just the way we grew up, my dad was extremely abusive and we walked around learning to call each other dummy and porky and fucking idiot and stuff like that. I knew it was wrong, and I didn't want my boyfriend to think that I was a mean person or abusive. And I honestly never wanted to hurt him. After a while, we would have times when I would slip and say he was stupid (even though I don't think he is in the least bit). He grew up the same way and had the same problems. So we decided that we don't want to repeat our parents' mistakes. Now what we do is make up silly names that can't hurt each others feelings. Like turdball and poo face and often make words that don't even make any sense and then we just start laughing (yeah, ok so we have a weird sense of humor, but it has worked for us and I think we have the strongest most loving relationship I know of).

Anyway, good luck.

 

After some weeks apart with the arguments continuing through the first couple of them, and slowly starting to talk rationally to each other again, I suggested marriage counselling to my wife. She said she would think about it.
I am probably wayyy dumb for even thinking about it given all that has happened, but I could never forgive myself if I let everything slip away without trying every option.

As unpassionate as it sounds she gave me a "deadline" of thinking about it when I suggested it last weekend, and today's the day.

Thankyou for all the advice, it hasn't fallen on deaf ears and I will always be more cautious if not in this relationship then in others, but I feel I have to try.

 

Well I respect you for the fact that you would go throw such grave lengths because you love her. Your seem like an awesome person and I really hope everything works out for you.

Good luck Tipo Sensuale.

 

You are wasting your time with her, there are too many issues there guy. Obviously she is a liar, obviously she would rather put her friends before you in every way possible including the sack, your best bet is to cut your loss with her now, before you invest anymore of your time and emotions. You already know this and dont like the idea but man go with your guts on this, she is bad news from the start and always will be.

 

plz dont go!

 

Thanks again for the advice guys and gals.

This weekend it finally clicked home just who I had fallen in love with.

On the phone with her she told me she didn't have the time to worry about whether or not to make the marriage work. Then later when some shit started to come down on me from when I had looked after her ass before we were married (cash, favours, little cons here and there, totally burning my boats before I relocated) - I asked for her help by giving me a quick place to shelter. Her reply? She bitched me out because one of her CDs was in a different place to where she had left it (even though I moved out some weeks ago).

I asked again for her help today and she replied that if the worst happened to me at least she wouldn't have to worry about ever seeing me move on.

This is from the woman who told me she loved me no matter what, from the woman who I spent the past few years looking after without wanting anything in return, and who even after we broke up, when her new boyfriend beat her, I helped without hesitation.

So I'm getting myself a new leaf ready to turn over - if I manage to get myself outa this little bind.

Anyone looking for a 30 year old pre-owned English guy in mostly good condition with a cute smile?

 

Whoa, Tipo, we'd talked about our respective situations before, but this is the first time I've seen this thread, and your whole story. "I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet." Jesus.

Yeah, you need to get away from her. I need to get away from my wife. The behaviors are different, but the bottom line is the same: they don't love us.

Fuck 'em. Like somebody else said (I think it was "FedUpAmerican"), as soon as we meet other women, we'll have trouble remembering their names.

 

I hear ya there, now at least I hear ya. Up until this weekend I would have heard you but would've thought I knew better.

Yeah I decided to get away from her, I am still dealing with a few things - I had built a new life in the states and burnt all my boats getting over there and she kinda shagged that over, but once I find a place to live I know I can start afresh.

It is kinda wierd, I still need her help to do what I plan to do, but feel empowered now that I know I can just do whatever on my own again.

With what you said about the behaviours are different but the bottom line is the same - I don't know what happened with your wife, but with mine it turned out she didn't love me, she loved the power she held over me. Once I decided not to let her have that power then her love quickly turned to hate.

We still got a few power struggles going on - one of her reasons for not wanting to help me to make it on my own and start a new life escaped from the debts that she caused me is that she doesn't want to have to think about anything, one of my reasons of wanting her to think about things is that when we both move on then at least she won't have that huge wall and power game thing going on with whoever, maybe she will find happiness that way and maybe I will be able to find happiness because I would be able to move on knowing that 1) she will not try to screw me over and 2) she will at last be over her control trips.

So I am finally moved on in heart, if not completely in everything else. She has agreed reluctantly to help me get relocated out of the shit, and all I have to do is find a place to live and get my old job (or a new job) within the next coupla weeks with no savings to support me.

This sounds kinda desperate, but if anyone is interested in helping by offering a house-share or apartment share in Austin to a complete stranger then 4 sure let me know.

 

If you stay there will be trouble.
If you go, it will be double.

 

Damn that song rings truer and truer each day.

 

On a serious note, though, I would have to throw my hat in the "Go" ring. Just go, man. You seem to be an intelligent person with a great sense of humor (by the way, except for being interesting these are 1 and 2 on my "what to look for in my next spouse list. But I'm not gay. But still - it's as big of a compliment as I can come up with.). And that's hard to find these days. I know because I'm looking for it. Anyway, there is no way you should be subject to this type of behavoir. Not at all. I mean, if you were a bum and had nothing to offer anyone, I would say otherwise. But I don't think that's the case here. Of course, you have no place to live and no job, but does that make a bum? Not in my book. Not hardly. I think people like you will always find a way to bounce back. And yes, I am basing my entire evaluation on you on the posts you have made here on hipforums. And yes, I do feel this evaluation is completely valid.

 

Thanks for the compliments. I'm sure they're true.

So I would be your perfect spouse?

i write each post whilst sharpening a large axe and revving my chainsaw.

 

You would be, but I wouldn't date anyone without a job and without a place to live And that's just what I though.