My child's father and I broke up in December after over 2 years of dating and we have a 15 month old. He isn't really romantic, we don't kiss and he doesn't last long in bed and it just sucks. It's complicated between us because we're not in a relationship but we still have sex and IM.still hoping.he'll change and give me everything I want in a relationship such as: romance, good long sex, for him to do more with his life and to be more in touch with his feelings and to.make me feel.special and beautiful. Things aren't going too well with us lately because there's this guy at work and he calls.me gorgeous, compliments me all the time and is so aggressive and funny and he has some of the qualities I wish my ex had. He wants to have sex with me and I want it too but I don't want to ruin things with my ex. We love each other, I want to marry him someday but IM tired of feeling unwanted and waiting for changes. Does anyone have any much needed advice?
I would advise breaking things off entirely with your ex, if he hasn't changed at this juncture then I doubt he'll ever turn into the perfect man you want him to be. I don't even see why you're still having sex with him if he's bad at it and doesn't last long, usually in a fwb relationship or in this case ex with benefits the benefits have to be you know, benefits. If he's a good father then of course keep him in your child's life for his/her sake, but sadly I do not think there is a future for you and your ex romantically at this point. As for the coworker, feel free to let him into your life if you think there's something there. Just learn from your past relationship and don't keep him in your life if he doesn't end up satisfying your needs romantically or sexually.
So, you got pregnant early on, he didn't marry you (or vice versa), he's still selfish and immature and you think this will change. Of course someone flirting looks good. But look at what you need in your life. What your child needs. (Stability) are you looking for a FWB, one night stand, booty call that YOU can call? Are you looking to make your ex jealous? A new father figure for the child? You have to know what you want to get it. Because if you don't know where you are going, any road can take you there. Look down the road at your child's high school years. What do you want those to look like? Who is in your life, by character?
Omg! We need to talk. Don't do anything rash yet. I'm not sure of everything going on with your ex, but this whole situation sounds way to familiar.
My opinion. Your looking for romeo. Im sure you have faults of your own nobody is perfect. If your unhappy and dont see it changing leave him a child would rather be from a broken home than an unhappy one. The guy you work with is probably playing games and your lusting him not loveing. he probably wants casual encounters not to be your new baby daddy. It wont be as easy for you to find a guy who will love both you and your kid remember that if you decide to brake things off someones you dont know what you got til its gone.
End it. You said yourself that you broke up. Well break up then. You cannot change people. He has not changed in 2 years, why would he change now. He is getting sex from you and doesn't have to put in any work, why would he change. DUMP HIM. End it completely. Right now you have become a friend with benefits and nothing really more (of course all I really know is what you posted). You obviously don't want that, so why are you doing that. Especially if he isn't curling your toes during sex. End it. Move on. You will be happier. Good luck
If there's one thing I've learned is that you can never expect nor hope for people to change. To do so is fooling yourself. I realize that you have history with this guy and you share a child and that does really complicate things too. I doubt he will ever give you the romance, commitment, longevity in bed you so long for. So hoping for those things is foolish and if that's all you are clinging to then it's best to move on. However that said, keep in mind this knight in shining armor at your work who's shown some interest in you could end up being just as worthless as your ex, or just interested in boinking you and moving on as well. It sounds to me like you live in the clouds a bit, so it's best to be careful and understand the real world you live in is harsh and a bit dog eat dog. It may be this coworker friend of yours is truly genuine and has true feelings for you, but is he ready to go into a relationship with you and your child? What if things hit off and go badly between you and this prince charming? Is this going to make work a tough place to go to? Lot of things at play here, keep your head straight on things. Again it doesn't sound like your ex is the one for you in the long run, but being that you do have a young child, try to do what's right for you and your child. If you want to try things out with this coworker, just make sure you weight everything, so you're not caught later on thinking "oh I didn't consider that" as more times then not relationships are more short lived than long term.
Why would you be contemplating marrying a man that you essentially want to be someone totally different than who he is? You want him to be your ideal man, but he isn't...and that isn't likely to change. Granted, some people can change to a certain degree, but your list of things you want him to change is honestly unreasonable and unrealistic. Sure, he could learn to last longer in bed, and even perhaps to be more romantic, but come on...you want him to be more in touch with his feelings (which I am guessing you want him to be more in touch from your perspective, not taking into account that men and women often deal with emotions differently) and to make you feel special and beautiful (that sounds like insecurity, honestly.) The point of loving someone is about loving who they are, even when they have a quirk or two that at time drives you crazy (and that goes both ways) and NOT "Well, I want to marry him/her if they change, and become the perfect interpretation of what I want in partner" You will both end up miserable if you keep trying to have a relationship based on your/his wants, instead of building a relationship because you truly enjoy being with each other.
A 15 months baby + 9 months pregnancy means you've got pregnant of this guy right after meeting him (you say 2 years relationship). I'll guess a lot here, but remember I'm just guessing and I may be completely wrong. He didn't wanna be a father and doesn't wanna be with you. He's a bit under pressure, because of the baby, but not enough to make him improve himself in any aspect. You're having sex. People like to have an available lover, even when the sex isn't good. For you, he doesn't even make an effort, because you're granted: you've had a child with his sperm. He doesn't think you're worth any effort. At least this bit I know from own experience. My husband has been lazy on me for 20 years. He only changed when I asked for divorce. I don't believe princes do exist. Any men you'll find will have lots of flaws. Men are just like us, women: imperfect. But being just the mother of this guy's child and a sexual partner he doesn't care to please, is settling for very little in life. If I were in your shoes (easy to say that, since I'm not), I'd work on improving myself. I'd do what I had to do to get a good job to secure mine and the child's future. I wouldn't expect anything of this man. And I'd have lovers who'd sweet talk me and take them for what they are: lovers who sweet talk, because people like to please people when they don't have to live up to their easy words. Who knows, you may even find a man who's compatible with you and be happy with him. But I always think it's a waste of time and life to just wait for a partner. Live your life and build an independent future. This guy you have now, the father of the baby, he doesn't wanna be there. Not enough to make an effort. This is all guess work. Think of pros and cons yourself, because you're the one who really knows how you feel. Good luck.
My advice is don't go through life expecting people to change! If you are not happy with the person they are then move on. Even if they do change they are never going to be happy being something they are not and who wants to be around someone who is not happy with themselves. I have no idea why you would still want to have sex and consider marrying someone that clearly is not for you? It is not the right thing to do for the kid either. The right thing for the kid is to around happy parents.
