what if anything can be done for our sex life

Hi all,
Im 45 and my wife is 56. We have been together for 21 years and the sex was and still is amazing..when we do it. The problem is that we only do it about once or twice a month whereas id like to do it once every few days..probably because im younger but im just guessing on that.
My wife who has ME which causes bad joint pain and takes morphine for the pain is also going through her menopause and her sex drive has dipped significantly because of all of that. She has tried HRT but couldnt get on with it so stopped.
The other problem is that she only really likes to have sex at night but by the time we get to bedtime shes either in too much pain or too tired or im too tired as i am her carer and we also have dogs which need taking care of.
I never nag my wife for sex as im not that type of person and i do masterbate 5 or 6 days of the week first thing in the morning as i normally have an hour or 2 before she gets up.
When we do have sex i now use my tongue on her and make her orgasm long and hard whereas before it was with my cock.
My wife knows i now have a higher sex drive than her and she occasionally offers to wank me off and im very appreciative of that but its not as good as the real thing
The question i need answering is given all of the above is there any way of us having more sex?
Id also like to point out that this isnt a post to bash my wife and im just pointing out the problems and asking for help

Any help or advice would be most appreciated as my wife has no idea i masterbate and id like to not have to do it but feel its the only release from my frustration

Kind regards

 

Well, You painted a good picture.
Maybe, You should have a heart to heart, knee to knee talk with her. You should not be embarrassed to tell her that you masturbate as often as you do. After all, she is your wife and you should be able to confide in her. My wife masturbates often in front of me. It natural. Once she knows how often you masturbate she should realize you need more intimacy from her.

 

Hi Jack, thank you for your reply. It didn't use to be like this as her sex drive was high when we first met and I know she wanted it everyday at least and I loved it too. She has said she feels guilty for not having any sort of sex drive these days and realises that I do still have one but doesn't know what to do besides maybe trying to do something during the day. As I said I don't feel it's fair on her to put pressure on her to do anything and I feel it should be natural.

 

There certainly seems to be a lot of moving parts here and I don’t mean any disrespect. Your wife clearly needs to recognize that sex is good for her health as well as for your health. My wife and I truly love each and have sex 2,3-4 times weekly and we are in our 60’s. It is a primal need as well. It is very true that if you don’t have sex routinely, you will loose any desire for it. We refuse to let that happen.
Tell her you need her help. Maybe counseling is in order here. She can’t hide behind menopause for very long.

 

Sorry that this is happening. You might want to try acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine. This link (to a page on SF) has some info:

Alternative Treatments for Physical and Mental Illness

Acupuncture tends to work well for pain conditions.

 

A few empirical observations (my mate has, among other things, fibromyalgia and SLE, with concomitant IBS, cluster headaches and chronic nausea);
Chronic musculoskeletal pain is a real buzzkill; especially when you consider the body mechanics involved in sex.
So is the kind of debilitating fatigue associated with these disorders.
Opioids dull more than just pain receptors.
For most folk, sexuality is an important part of who they are; humans are mammals, and are intrinsically sexual beings by nature. The loss of such a big chunk of someone's ego identity is a huge loss indeed, and one that she's probably deeply grieving. With something like MS, she's probably grieving many such losses on many different levels, all at once.
All of the above is pretty much invisible to everyone else on the planet ("But you don't look sick"). It can feel incredibly isolated and lonely.

I don't know y'all, but extrapolating from experience, I would suspect that it's possible that your occasional shag is more for your benefit than hers. Unless she's having a really good day, I'd bet it cost her dearly; a truly heroic sacrifice for the one she loves. Depending upon how her arms, hands, and fingers feel, even jacking you off can be quite painful. Despite all that, you both still need the physical and emotional reassurance and contact comfort of touch. Massage is wonderful, but be aware of sore joints and 'tender points'. Communication is key.
I'm not surprised if she does feel guilty for her perceived "failure" and a wife, a lover, a friend, and a companion; even her future "failure" to be there for you in old age, as if somehow she had any say in the matter. I would think that anything and everything you can do to dissuade her from such dark thoughts and reassure her is your fundamental duty to her as her lover. She has despair enough.

Sorry mate, but MS is progressive, incurable, and ultimately fatal. She's been dealt a truly shitty hand, and I seriously doubt that "more sex" will ever be in the cards.

 

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Piobaire hit the nail right on the head as to the reasons why sex is lacking in the relationship. Jack also proves it isn't about age or age difference. I deal with very much the same with my spouse every day. She just cannot have sex anymore. There are diseases that take away the joy of sex not matter how old you are. When that happens the human forgoes many things in order to just survive. Many days go by where my own spouse remains in the bed because it is just too much to get up.
jack advising a knee to knee talk is a great approach. But not to convince the spouse that they need to have sex but that the other has needs to be satisfied. I do think the OP understands this but yet wants her to provide something she can't. Also Pio's point that a "you don't look sick" comment is very devastating to ones mental well being. Love and support for the spouse is what we have to do. With that if it is a deep need then the spouse should support the need and encourage the finding of it be it with someone else. Unfortunately the OP may not return to the forum to read the good points made about his dilemma. Hopefully he finds a solution.