on why sometimes, we tend to hold onto our suffering? almost like it's something to be proud of? how do we as people get so comfortable in our own pain? what in the world would push us to knowingly deny ourselves simple love and comfort, and instead choose to make ourselves miserable? i do this all the time. and i have no idea why.
we live by suffering, if there were no suffering there wouldn't be anything you must suffer for your art you must suffer for liberation and in the end you will attain nothing happy suffering with love, me
suffering is necessary. but i repeatedly make decisions that i know aren't good for me. i constantly push away and resist those things that are obviously the best for me. i'm so close to dropping out of college and sacrificing everything just out of spite, just because i don't give a shit. everything i do is the opposite of what i should and i welcome it. there's a very big difference between the idea that we have to suffer to some degree, and then the practice of continually and knowingly pushing away everything that's good for you and not knowing why.
maybe you aren't really happy with it, i mean i dropped out of high school and i felt the same way for a while, because for a long time it bothered me but then i realized, high school is total bullshit, and the system is total bullshit, and i could anything if i just put my mind to it, why go along doing something you don't believe in or support, i figured i'd rather live a life that meant something to me, so thats what i did, good is relative, whats good for one person isn't good for another, sometimes you just need time to find yourself, look in yourself and do what you really feel is right, you don't need college, theres lots of things you can do in the world.. all things happen as they should in the end you will understand but it just takes time best way to take it is moment by moment though, just do what you feel in that moment who cares about the past, then things will balance out
that makes sense. but i guess what i'm saying is, i keep pushing away everything. college, yes, but also alternatives. every time i trip psychedelics the same message rings loud and clear: LOVE. live simply, live with love for the people around you. be comfortable with what you are. accept everything, learn from it. but only know am i really starting to consider what that actually means. i spend a lot of time killing everything that i genuinely enjoy doing. basically i feel like i could sit and stare at a wall, catatonic, and the effect on my mind would be the same as if i tried to live. i'm very obviously trying to resign myself to nothingness and avoiding at all costs everything that i KNOW is important, and that i know I care about, fuck what people tell me i should do. i don't want to go to school just because people tell me to, i want to go to school because that's who i want to be. all that talk about the system of college being bullshit may be true for some people. i can't tell myself that because i know it's something that i really want to enjoy. i like being exposed to new people, new ideas. just because i'm part of a system that has potential to be bullshit doesn't mean it has to be. i have the power to use it however i want. i can still go to college, i can still learn and develop myself while still holding on to my true values of taking life by the moment, loving the people i care about, spending time appreciating everything about the fact that i'm alive. but none of that seems to matter and it's the simplest thing in the world to understand. what's the block? i don't see how, knowing all of that, i can STILL say to myself "fuck it. i don't care. i can go work a shit job that will keep me a zombie and live alone in a tiny, run down shit hole all the while knowing that it's never what i really want".
if you can keep things straight enough to be able to accept and appreciate both. but for some reason i find suffering to be easier to take, and pleasure to feel inappropriate. if everything exists, that's one thing... but when you're constantly trading in everything good for everything bad, there's a lot of thinking to be done. well, maybe not thinking. doing. there's a lot of doing to be done.
have greater purpose in your life, that way whatever you do, you know why you are doing it and that will give you drive, if its something you believe in and are passionate about, something beyond your small individual self. even if you are working a small job in a sucky town or whatever, that is not all you are going to be doing, you can always find or create other stuff to be involved in, or you can not be involved in what you are involved in, just like in going to college everything you do isnt just going to classes staring at a wall catatonically sounds a lot like zen meditation to me, sometimes theres no reason to do any of this stuff or care, sometimes there is, what can we know? life is not suffering nor do we live by suffering, life is just life, idk these are just things im saying ultimately theres no difference because the suffering will become pleasure and the pleasure becomes suffering theres nothing that you can really do, even our thoughts, they just come, it has nothing to do with us
I think you've been convinced you don't deserve happiness and you're stuck in the rut of continually validating that belief.You may need a brand new,completely differant way of life and a chance at re-making yourself into what you want to be.And what do you want to be?Maybe go somewhere to be around positive people that are enjoying what they do.--Remember this--dead is forever--give yourself permission to live pain free and learn to have FUN.Please.
I can often get to feeling so dark and disabled and worthless that my pain is the only thing I can even feel anymore. I think at some level, I want to dwell in my suffering because it seems constant and unchanging. At these times, happiness or pleasure is so far off, that it's like I was never happy before, that all the times I ever felt good were just figments of my imagination, that I really was just a deep pit inside, and the good feelings were all made up, that they weren't real. But the pain felt real, so I clung onto that no matter how much I hated being stuck crying alone in my room when I really needed to be out laughing in the sun with my friends. There certainly is a lot to be done with oneself once you've finally faced the fact that your pain and misery isn't constant, it isn't as overpowering as you think it to be. I hope that you find some time to reflect on and reorganize your life, to figure out what really means the most to you, even if you think you could just sit back and take whatever might come your way without feeling anything towards it. Apathy is not the way to a living a full and contented life.
interesting... could you elaborate? specifically on how you think this would change or influence the approach to my statements?
Yes. Don't become a slave to words and feelings, forget words and forget feelings, lose the pretense of self, this is the way to live, you may not have noticed but its how everyone else lives
i wouldn't go so far as to think that everyone else lives without the pretense of self. i would guess that the majority of people DO live with this pretense, rather it is a non issue to them because their idea of self and how they perceive the world line up so the illusion is never called into question, because the system works together. but to be honest i'm done trying to philosophize my way into being happy with myself. for all of my thinking and all of my realizing, i'm not anywhere better than i used to be. that's all surface stuff in my eyes. "poisoned roots lead to poisoned fruit". i gotta start way simpler, i think. what exactly do you mean by "forget feelings"?
They don't have ideas, even the idea of 'they' is more a figure of speech than a reality, that it seems this way is because you are full of words and placing real gut wrenching meanings in them, so what can you see of people as they really are? you are totally distracted. forget words, and you will see they do not have a sense of self, it is you who has the sense of self just forget feelings, they are not natural, they tie up your being (or as I like to call it, bean) try it earnestly and you'll understand, they are not seperate points each one is part of the other
i think it's making sense, a little bit more now. it's not something that just "is" because that's who i am. it's something i've taught myself to do. i'm very used to ignoring my own instincts and convincing myself i'm wrong. questioning everything and resisting everything. it's ridiculous, really. the only reason it's comfortable is because i'm so used to it. no other reason. i think at this point it's just a matter of committing myself to not doing that anymore. i'm trying to abstract it and make it way more complex than it is. it's very simple. i just gotta do it.
Its rare that I find a formidable opponent, but today I have found one in you, so I bow to you, CherokeeMist. Admittedly, you are good at what you do. much love to all <3 btw love the new pic
:cheers2: thank you! IANABIAP, that makes sense. i would agree. but when i said suffering, what i was referring to is my feeling of total absence, or distance and removal of connection to anything. feeling good is one thing, suffering for your convictions is another. feeling like you've lost both of those and more is an entirely different thing altogether, i think. it's inhuman, almost.
