There was this guy and one day, his wife came home early from work and caught him in bed with another woman. The wife said, "That's it! Our marriage is over!" The man said, "Hold on, honey, I have to explain myself here..." The wife then said, "Go ahead and try!" The man said, "I was driving and saw this poor girl begging for money in the streets. I asked her if she was hungry and she said "yes." So I brought her back here and heated up the leftover enchiladas I cooked for dinner last night, you know, the ones you didn't want to eat because you're watching your weight. After she ate, I let her use the shower and saw that this poor girl's clothes were all dirty and ripped. So I threw those away and gave her the nice lingerie I bought you for our anniversary, you know, the ones you don't wear because I have bad taste. I then gave her the boots you don't wear anymore, you know, the ones that you don't want to wear anymore because one of your coworkers has a pair just like them. Then I gave her the dress my sister gave you for Christmas, you know, the one you don't want to wear out of spite for my sister. I was then going to let her leave when she turned to me and said, "Please! Do you have anything else your wife doesn't use anymore!?"
now THAT was funny. And sadly, all too true for way too many.... Which reminds me: I once asked a woman if she ever knew anyone who ever shacked up, moved in together, or got married so they could practice celibacy. Got kinda' quiet on that cellphone for a while. She finally said that she'd never thought of it like that before. I told her that sex isn't something you use to get a guy. It's something you use to KEEP him, because if you don't, you won't. She couldn't even wait to marry the poor guy before she started making excuses.
"What you hear with your ears and see with your eyes is not happening." Heard that somewhere. Oughta' work.
Last winter I invited my new girlfriend to go out. She is quiet, doesn’t talk too much because she is shy but I thought I would show her a good time. On the way over one of my tires blew so I had to replace it. The thing is, it was nasty cold and I didn’t bring gloves since it’s warm in the car. After jerking the car up and taking the spare tire out I couldn’t feel my hands anymore so I went inside to warm them up. The thing is, the heater is not very good anymore so I asked my girl if I could please my hands between her thighs to warm them up quicker and better. She is a very precious treasure, she obliged and it brought life back into my hands. Now I was ready to go back to finish the job. I managed to put the spare tire on the car with the nuts in place, and the flat tire in the trunk but I had to go back inside to avoid frostbite again. I was frantically rubbing my hands together in front of the heater vent but it was not working very good so I asked my girl again if I could sandwich my hands between her legs. She allowed me, and then we chatted and kissed a little until my hands were ready to go brave the cold for what I figured to be the last time. I went out and finished the job tightening the nut for the spare tire and put everything away in the trunk after removing the jack. Good timing because my hands were starting to freeze again. Back inside I was not able to grip the steering wheel or move the shifter so I asked to warm my hands up one last time making sure to tell her I was not trying to take advantage of her. Sweet as she was she said she knew and was happy to help me. Once my hands were good to go I took them out, I thanked her and got ready to drive. Then she asked: “ Do your ears get cold sometimes?“
This business man, Mr. Jim Snow, went away on business so with nothing to do in the evening he decided to go to the sports bar to watch a few games and have a couple of drinks. he spotted an attractive woman couple of stools away and went over to talk with her and offer her a drink. He made sure to tell her he was not hitting on her, just socializing. She eyed him a bit then told him she appreciated his honesty, and introduced herself as June Denton, and that she was not really feeling like being social that evening. Jim Snow said he understood and was sorry to bother her, and he went back to his stool to continue watching the game by himself. Then he started to giggle and chuckle for apparently no reason, so June Denton was pretty curious what caused him to seem to be amused. He shook his head and said “nothing” so she left him alone. she noticed he kept laughing by himself so she could not take it anymore and she went over: “Excuse me Mr. Snow, you started laughing after we ended our conversation. Are you laughing at something I said or did perhaps?” He told her not to worry, she didn’t do anything weird or bad but she kept insisting to know so she could have peace of mind. He told her it was not proper so she told him she was not a prude little girl, He told her it was not proper so she told him she was not a prude little girl,“try me, I promise not to take offense.” after taking a sip of his drink, it turned to look at her and asked “have you ever seen 6 inches of snow in June?”
