cool soothing touch of sea, lapping at my toes thoughts and cares melt now taking with them woes ocean's voice resonates ancient beyond all cries push pull, give take such gentle strength with no compromise begin, end, begin, end inescapable truth is this but can time take this all away will it ever cease to persist? friends, gods, feelings, gulls come and go, come and go, pay the cost but to this voice i cling in times of dark and so never be lost a calm voice beyond the shadowlands of thought uninterupted, it persists forever, forever, forever, forever! forever, i wish This needs work. But it is here and it is heartfelt.
I surely loved your poem, it was sooooooo awesome. I read it five times, and each time it just seemed more profound. Every line just flowed, and the watery images walked me right down to the oceans edge. Great work. Inspiring.! I haven't come to this site for a long time, but now I will check it out occasionally, and see if you have any more. Lots of good poetry on this forum!
You inspired me to write a poem of my own. :whistling :birds: Gone is the barn, Gone is the chicken, Kurts on the bed, I like your new sig picken.
When I read it outloud, and it reads very nicely, I would change two things. I would leave out the "with" and say "such strength, no comprimise." And " so will never be lost" leaving out the I of I'll because of the I in the previous line. Sounds redundant to me. Maybe it has something to do with the flow. I actually think it is perfect, it is from you, but you asked for a critique, so when I read it those are the two changes I made. Very beautiful though.
I am still going back and forth with the "with" issue but I definitely agree with "so will never be lost". Thanks!
Heartfelt and beautiful indeed. Wow, what a first stanza! Something to consider would be the last line of this 2nd stanza... perhaps, 'such gentle strength' would continue the complimentary flow.
