(This is another WIP, honesty is appreciated.) I am hopeful... I have named you. Your eyes will be green, like mine. I am ready. I am falling, But where are you? I'm still here, and I'm afraid. I am waiting. I am shattered. You're not here, love. They have told me you're not coming, And I miss you. I am wasted space. Burdened with nothingness, Heavy with emptiness. Hollow. I am barren.
Wow, this is good, but I can see some room for improvement. Sometimes I hate that I'm so anal about this stuff. Sorry in advance! I think the title rocks. It is perfect for this poem. I would drop "I am hopeful" and start with "I have named you." That is powerful. I would play up the image of the "lost" one that never was conceived and less of the writer of the poem.... so play up the loss and reduce the "I" this and "I" that and this poem will be extraordinary. Below is with the writer looking out toward the loss instead of in toward the feeling of the loss... I hope this makes sense to you. Very good indeed, please keep writing... I have named you your eyes are green but where are you? you're not here, love. they have told me you're not coming and I miss you heavy with emptinees, hollow barren....
Thanks, Vetty... I'm still working on it. I actually wrote a similar poem with the same title a few months ago, but before I could continue to work on it, my pc crashed and I didn't have a hard copy of the poem. "I have named you" was actually the first line of that, but I couldn't remember how it flowed so I had to change a lot of it. I don't think any attempt I make to capture this feeling will ever be as solid as that first one. Ah well, I'm still working on it. Thanks for your input.
this made me cry. I mean its beautiful but the emotion, I felt it completely... my eyes are still full with tears. But I think is the I, is what makes it so powerful and personal.. as I was reading I felt this was me and it sadden me so deeply, being able to do that, it's truly amazing.
I've been having a look at this over the past few days. The idea is great. I do like the spattering of I's but maybe there are too many. This is my attempted edit below. I actually think that I prefer yours now that I've re-read it. But... I have named you...Hope Your eyes will be green, like mine. I am ready. But where are you? You will come, won't you? I am waiting... You're still not here, love, but I am patient. They've told me you're not coming, I am shattered. Heavy with emptiness. Hollow. I am barren. I think the idea for this poem is wonderful and the emotion is there too. Please keep us informed about any future drafts you make. Thanks for the read. Peace, A.
