Was it cheating or not?

I need people to post thier opinion on my situation.

This is actually important because my man wants to see what the general opinion is in our situation.

Erik and I have wanted to have a sexual experience with another couple, but never did because the right couple never came along. He said it was cool and sexy as long as he was there. The last time an opportunity came up, him and his buddies were about ot leave, and back then, he encouraged it to happen while he was gone. It didn't because she wasn't into it, but the point is he was cool woth me doing stuff with her when they were gone. So I thought he was 100% cool with me being with another girl.

We decided to have a break. He made a very vague comment about not going off and fucking other people. No specifics.

I found a couple that we could do that with. But it wasn't until Erik and I took a break that the opportunity came up. The night before it happened, He was hanign out with us and I made hints that we were probably going to do something like that. He and his friend were hangng out together that night and talked about it. So before anything went down, he thought about it and never said anything. He smiled and told me to have a good time.

So I did. Only with the girl. I hardly even looked at the guy. But he says it's still cheating. It was ok for me to be with a girl when i'm with him, but when I am single, I'm not.

All I want is for you guys to tell me if you think it's cheating or not.

 

You said yourself several times that you were single, so I cannot possibly fathom how sleeping with a woman (CONSENTED WHILE YOU WERE A COUPLE) would be a problem when you are single.

This Erik guy is assuming ownership of you, not companionship. Taking a break was a good idea, but I would seriously talk to this guy about his moral standing in a relationship before continuing any further with him.

 

I say a little yes and a little no.....If your partner knows about it and is OK than it's not really cheating, in that you aren't being dishonest..On the flip side,it is often a sign that you are having problems when you feel a need to go outside of your relationship.I am not prudish and I think it's possible to have other varieties of relationships than the normal one on one,but living in this culture all of us are carrying a lot of baggage with us.We often aren't sure of our own feelings enough to able to be completely open,and feelings of jealosy, and rejection, or simply not feeling good enough, start coming out of the woodwork.This makes multiple partner relationships very difficult,and most of us aren't even that good at single partner ones.

 

I would have to say, if you're taking a break, it's not cheating. To me, that means you are single and can do what you want. You can't break up with someone and tell them not to sleep with anyone else.....
Is he using that to hold over your head? So he can sleep with someone else?

 

He isn't golding over my head, he just can't get over it. I would have liked to have a break where we could both have some not serious dates with other people and get back together, appreciating each other.

I would not feel that bad if he slept with another girl right now. I didn;t sleep with a guy and I thought it was different and I thought he did to, but he doesn't so I have to take in mind that it's cheating in his eyes.

I know all my posts about this problem are annoying. this is the last thread I start about it I promise!!

But my goal is to get an opinion and show it to him. He wants to know if other people agree with him and think I cheated. Since he can't access the internet like this, I said I would do it for him.

Thanks for all the replies. He wants to see them and I appreciate them a lot.

 

yeah, i really don't think it's cheating. to me, "on a break" means "not together." i do think he is just hurt and jealous because he does still love you and now that he doesn't have you anymore, it's kinda freaking him out that you were with another person.

 

Well ... I can see how he'd be a bit upset by the situation, but I don't know if I'd classify it as cheating. It's definately not cheating with intent to cheat; I mean, you said yourself that you thought he was cool with it. In my opinion, cheating is an intention, not an action. It seems like it was just miscommunication and a little wrench thrown in, that's all. If you two were hardcore together in a relationship, it might seem a lot more like cheating than now, because you two were taking a break. It doesn't sound like Erik has anything to worry about with you, but it might be a good idea to talk with him about things like that more, aye? This seems like one of those situations where, something not so great happens, but it's not really anyone's fault, it's just a matter of circumstance.

 

I think I would've tried to clarify this comment from him before I considered being with another person, but the world is full of couldawouldashoulda's. If you two were genuinely on a break, I wouldn't consider it cheating.... but explain to him that you though "a break" didn't mean monogomy or exclusivity.

 

yeah it doensn't sound like you were cheating because of the whole "break" but perhaps he interpreted a break as you two not being together for awhile and didnt think about the possibilities of other people...
in any case i believe Erik is wrong from what has been written but the funny thing is i do understand how he feels... us men as rational as we believe we are sometimes do base opions on how we feel... and regardless of who is right or wrong he is probably just hurt...

 

I know he's hurt. THe thing about that is from what he said before, I thought it was ok and if I knew this would hurt I wouldn't have done it. That's been established.

What we are trying to decide now, is what to do about it. Is this such an act of betrayal that he shouldn't have to try understand how I didn't know and get over it?

 

IMO, sex with a guy or a girl is the same thing on an emotional level, no exceptions.

That said, if you were broken up, it’s not cheating. If there was some kind of vague stipulation to the break you were taking, then well, it’s vague whether or not you cheated, and he’s just going to have to deal with it.

I don’t think this “you cheated” argument is what’s really going on here. It’s getting turned into something it shouldn’t be. I think it’s really the fact that you broke up with him, and he’s projecting his own guilt onto you. He wants you back without taking responsibility, and now he has this convenient excuse to try and make it your fault.

You’re having an argument with him like you’re still together. If you’re primary intention is to try and work things out in the long run, tell him you’re sorry, you didn’t think it was a big deal and wouldn’t have done it if you knew that it would be such a big deal, which is the truth if I’ve been reading correctly. If he wants to turn it into an issue of he’s right and you’re wrong, he’s got his priorities way off kilter.

 

boy, you hit it right on the head. he wants me back without having to do any work on himself because he has this great excuse now.

and I have said all those things. over and over. I meant all of it too. really.

I think what I'm going to do is go home after work and talk with him. Maybe he's just not ready for a break and if he can get past this issue and take it as a misunderstanding, I'll be there for him until he's ready to take a break as well. He wants it. he still says that. But it's hard and it hurts to give up something you love. I am ready, but if this is hurting him this much, I'm willing to wait. Besides, I'm really not having as much fun as I could be because he's so miserable at home. I think after a rew days of reassurance that I do love him and I'm sorry, he'll come around.

If not and he keeps bringing the issue of cheating up, I'll have to tell him to really leave me alone, with no expectations of a relationship in the future.

Sometimes, he'll act rational for a few minutes and admit that he knows why I did it and why I had the impression he doesn't care. He HAS taken responsibilty for it, so I have hope. It's easy to slip back into feeling sorry for yourself and putting all the guilt on someone else. I understand. I don't get upset when he does that. At least I have heard him acknowledge the fact that my feelings about him not caring, he brought upon himself. Somewhere in that head is reason and it pops out every once and a while.

What do you think? Do I have a good plan?

 

Remember to be careful as your post in the Relationship forum suggests that he 'randomly' cares for you and your feelings. He is realizing what he could potentially lose, so that is why he is sad. Yet, if you get back involved fully with him, be prepared for those past instances where he lacked care to come back up.

Just please be careful!!! I've been here before, and it is emotionally tiring...

 

yup, it tiring. But a rocky relationship takes a lot of work to be saved. I COULD just let things go, but I have a small amount of blind faith that things will work out.

I have found a very strong calm force inside me throughout this whole ordeal. I know that if things don't work out, I'll be just fine.

 

And because you have that strong force flowing through you, I really cannot see how you can fail in anything you do...that is something to be proud of.

Good luck through this all.

 

thank you. you have been really great in talking me through this, and all the different emotions I've had.

I really appreciate it. nothin but respect, man.

 

I don't play around when it comes to emotional health.

I have been done wrong so much that I've been tought and know what is healthy and right. Everyone has the right to love, and should be loved no matter what. Sure, sometimes there are headaches and strife, but in the end, love is what is going to keep this planet together.

I hope that this works out and you and his emotional strength grows immensely, but remember to openly communicate with him on all levels, and sort everything out as it happens; do not wait. Because the 'longer you leave the stove on, the worse your soup will turn out'...if you catch my drift.

 

I’m sorry heady, but I don’t see a happy ending to this. Getting back together with him because you feel sorry is not only almost degrading to you, it sends the wrong message to him. Be very careful you don’t start the on again / off again cycle. It can really wreak some havoc.

The only way I can see this working out is if your just doing it to get him out, so that both of you aren’t living together, and then taking this break, but with the intention of gaining the space needed for true reassessment.

 

I'm helping him get used to the idea. Me being completely gone was a little much in the initial shock of me leaving. He says he still wants to move out and is making plans. He has talked to his parents and a few friends and he has options now.

Like I said, we had an actual rational talk earlier. If I'm doing this not only for me, but for us, I have to do this at a time when we are both ready. I have a feeling that in a week, he'll be gone and things will be on the right track, and if he's not gone and things haven't progressed, I will move on myself. i think he just needs a few days to know that I still care, but prepare himself to leave. I kinda just up and left and didn't let him know i cared when he broke down.

I know just how much energy and time I want to put into this. I'm not wearing myself out over it. In fact, I know if I give him a gentle push out the door, that I'll be able to grow more myself because I won't have to worry about him having a fit at home.

 

good deal, sounds like you have some boundaries/expectations set in place. I wish you luck!