Waiting for marriage

Just a question for you guys. I'm 23 and a virgin. I want to stay a virgin until I'm married. How many guys are willing to wait? I asked this on another forum and got some pretty harsh responses. People seemed to be pretty pissed off that I had made this decision. Just so you know: this is not a religions thing, I'm not a victim of abstinace only education (I hate that crap), I'm not sheltered, this is just a decision that I've made for myself, you will not be able to talk me out of it. I just want opinions so that I know what I'm up against. While I am Christian, I'm not like most, I believe in many other things, so telling me to find a Christian husband will not help me. I just want opinions. Thank you.

 

Not very many. You are going to be greatly restricting your list of potential mates by taking this position.

For the moment, let's forget about the men who are just trying to score. The ones who are seriously looking for wives want to know if their dates are sexually compatible. For example, if he likes anal, he isn't going to want to be married to someone who finds anal sex disgusting. You can't solve this problem through talking it out, because you don't know what practices and positions you are going to like until you try them. Men also don't want to risk being married to someone who is not any good at sex.

It also sends a bad message when you tell your boyfriend up front about a non-negotiable rule that he is being subjected to, about something that has a major effect on his quality of life. If he marries you, chances are, he will get hit with a growing list of non-negotiable rules. It isn't the right attitude for building a great relationship.

Ten years from now, you will regret this decision.

 

Thank you for your input. I know that I'm limiting myself, but this is the only decision that makes sense to me in my life. It might end up being when I'm with someone that I fully believe I will marry. I know that forever is never certain, especially in these times. But I hope to only be with one man in my life. Even if it wasn't marriage, it would be very far down the line of dating, like, engaged. None of that third date and it's time stuff.

 

While I respect your decision, I kind of agree with NotDeadYet in, if you get married and you love him and everything, but then the sex is bad for whatever reason-and I know sex isn't everything, but having a physical relationship is a big part- it might lead to a rocky relationship, thus defeating the point of waiting.
I'm not saying fuck every guy you date, but like your second post says, keep an open mind about it. That way even if it doesn't last, at least it was with someone you love, you know.

As for finding someone, I'd wait for the second or third...maybe a bit after that to tell him that, so you don't scare him away. If he's a good guy, he'll respect that.

 

I totally get that. Don't need to dump everything on a guy on the first date. But also don't want to wait forever and just be a damn tease. I'll know when is a good time to tell.

 

when i was 23 no...now..maybe..i gotta see what ya look like

 

I've spoken to a few of my guy friends about this before, all of them said that they wouldn't marry a virgin, that they in a way view girls like that as 'frigid'.

Personally, I think you should stick to your guns and stay a virgin until you meet the right guy, that being said I would have sex before marriage because like someone else said above, there is a chance that you may not be sexually compatible.

 

Also, I'd tell him you're looking for a long term around the first date and tell him about the sex thing after. It shouldn't be a big shocker.

 

I'm try not to look for long term. That is what I want, but the harder you look for it the harder it is to find. I like the start as friends thing. But yeah, once I'm considering a guy for long term, I let them know.

 

Good thinking. Almost nobody finds true love by looking for it. It happens when it happens.

The subject of virginity has come up a couple of times recently. Maybe you can explain something to me here, because I'm not getting it. You almost never hear a man talk about waiting until marriage, but it seems to me that women have just as much to lose as men do by waiting. Some people simply cannot sexually satisfy each other, and there is no reason I can think of why anyone would want to find themselves married to such a person, if it can be avoided. The end result is very likely to be affairs and divorce.

Yes, the personal/romantic connection is the most important thing, but there is no reason not to want it all. Why settle for less if you don't have to? I have heard about some women being shy because of some kind of physical flaw, but you don't want a marriage founded on deception, and most men are pretty good at smelling a coverup anyway. The whole truth needs to come out long before you share a bank account.

Years ago, I used to hear some reservations expressed about the competitive aspect of intimacy, fears about being compared sexually to others, but this ultimately doesn't hold water either. I sleep soundly at night knowing that my wife picked me after sleeping with a good number of other men. I know she isn't wondering if there might be somebody out there who could fuck her much better than I can.

Can you shed any more light on the pro-virginity perspective? I really want to understand this.

 

I think your super. Waiting until marriage is not a choice many females do in this age.
You may not be experienced in the ways and hows of sex, but, it will be a whole new world for you to explore and enjoy at the same time.

BaldEagle

 

For me, sex is a very important thing. It's not something that I want to share with many people. The more you have sex the less important it becomes. I don't know about guys, but most girls have sex for the first time with someone that is very special to them, and they don't do it right away. But then then when that ends and they're with someone else it's much easier for them to give it to someone that doesn't mean as much to them. When I have sex for the first time, I want my partner to know that he was so increadable and I have so much love for him that I am giving him something that is very personal and important to me. Sex is not the only thing that I'm offering this guy, I must admit, I'm catch with many perks lol. But it is big for me. I have no fear of someone discovering some physical flaw about me. I'm like every other girl out there. I don't think I'm excedingly hot, but I love my body and have no shame over it.
I have to go now, but I'll write more later.

 

Not for me!

 

You sound lame as fuck. No guy in this day and age is gonna want to marry a virgin just to find out the sex is complete crap. I know i or any of my guy friends would not want to marry someone (or even be in a relationship with someone) if there is no sex involved!

 

The argument that you will regret it because you "may not be sexually compatible" is irrelevant. You could say the same thing about every other aspect of marriage ... "we may not be money compatible" ... "we may not be in-law compatible" ...

The other side to this is ... if you cave on what you personally feel is right for you, then you've established yourself as someone who will compromise on your integrity. I'm not saying that marriage doesn't require compromise ... of course it does ... but not on your core values. Core values are non-negotiable. That's why it's critical that you find a partner who shares your core values.

I think this "core values" thing is much more important than whether or not you have sex before marriage. If you feel that strongly about remaining a virgin, then you will simply have to find a man who feels the same way, the same as you would regarding any of your other core values.

You're the one who has to live your life, no one else. Stick to your guns.

 

See what I mean? You can immediately rule out idiots like this. Thank goodness neither he nor "any of his guy friends" would be interested. Gee, what a loss, eh?

 

All of those issues can spell trouble for a marriage. It is best to lay to rest as many of them as possible. The high national divorce rate means that the pressure is on to do better than average, unless you want average results.

I still vividly remember the mandatory premarital counseling session a few weeks before my wedding. The guy asked about all kinds of basic issues like money, in-laws, kids, etc. I remember being shocked by his questions, and asking him if many couples reached this point in their relationships without having a plan for all these areas. He replied that very few had even talked about them in advance.

He let us skip the follow-up session.

 

All of those issues can spell trouble for a marriage.

Of course they can, but they are solvable. What's not solvable is if you marry someone with whom you are not compatible in your fundamental beliefs.

 

Right. And if those fundamental beliefs don't match up, none of the important topical conversations will go well.

 

Your choice is great for you. Great to hear you stand up for it. That said, honesty is going to make the best things happen. I am sure there is someone out there that will take you where you want to go and on your terms. Obviously, they will have to agree with you or it won't happen, but there is someone out there for you. Just gotta keep chuggin along and he will show up.