-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- Certainly, reality was the lost golden age Now replaced by cover stories, outlines Manikin dispositions and leashes for kids Superficiality, synthetics and moth balls It's a hard bargain, but such is life That's what I thought, and for 30 years I did nothing about it Of course I saw it all. Everything at once From spectacular altitudes, strangely Soaking up details, obscure movements So I knew what I was missing, ten fold Measuring from this oblique prospective I wasn't missing much, save for misery And it wanted my company Archiving all this plasticity from above Anticipating nonsense, predicting exploits It's hilarious how watered down it all is And for nearly 30 years, I bottled up Cursing all this lactating mediocrity Unexcited at becoming another algorithm In some fucked entertainment matrix So, I did nothing about it Life was that great big spectator sport And I observed it all from its upper bowl I knew better but raised no awareness Amusing at the ridiculous circus below Just a General turning down peace talks Ordered to believe that nothing mattered Save for perpetual battles over absurdity I knew better...but said nothing And for 30 years this went on Relentlessly, callously, methodically Walk a mile in my shoes unrestricted And tell me with a hard straight face That you applaud this sea sickness This vertigo, this dumbing process Too bad I haven't any peripheral Or colorful depth perception, rather If I did, I would have surely seen Broken mirrors and cut perspectives Or any number of strategies used By your favorite american idiot After all these 30 years Up here looking down I have allowed myself Hatred for this life And if I don't completely Unplug, tune out, reinvent I will have done nothing Such are nose bleeds In this livid upper bowl .
I made some suggestions above, but I know I throw out half of the suggestions I receive from people, so do with them what you will. Overall, I like the dark tone of the piece, but I feel like it can be a bit raw at times. For instance, you mention several times how you sat around "for 30 years" "doing nothing". It gets repetitive. On a simmiliar note, the poem could be a lot shorter. One of the most important jobs of the poet is to make every word count. Try to use some word-economy, shorten some of the stanzas. Take out words that are not ABSOLUTELY essential to the piece, and it will flow better. Overall, I enjoyed reading it and I do think you have a lot of potential there. But also be aware that the "this-generation-is-so-brainless" thing is very cliched, and so you are dealing in tricky territory.
Thanks cio606 Thank you thank you thank you. Right when I posted this I felt it was way too long and underdeveloped. Made my day
