Utterly Clueless

Hello everyone.

I just came across this forum tonight. Looks interesting, and, I hope, a little informative.

I've been in the closet for several years now, but have recently worked up the courage to consider exploring my homosexuality. Unfortunately, years of evading most sexual conversation (for fear of being discovered) has left me, as the title of this forum string implies, utterly clueless in the ways of... virtually everything you can't learn from health class or the media.

I know about safety, common sense, and all the stuff that really matters. What I don't understand is stuff like, what do I do when I go to a gay bar? Without gender roles, who approaches whom? Who pays for the check? Are there any places besides gay bars where I can hit on a guy without risking a black eye? How do you ask someone about their sexual history (or do you bother?) without being tactless and assinine?

I don't know if these questions are valid, or if they sound stupid or whatever. I'm 21 years old and have never been in a relationship, never fooled around with anyone, never even hugged in a non-platonic sort'a way. I know as little about dating in general as I do about dating in the gay scene. I just need some answers before I dive in.

Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!

 

Hey, I think you've definately done a good thing coming on a forum and talking about it to people. It's a good first step! But the main thing is for you to actually make some gay friends - meet up and chat and things will end up falling into place.
I think it's like most things in life, you can have as much 'theory' as you like, but until you get to a practical and actually go out there where people really 'walk the walk', you won't have a clue. You've got to learn through trial and error most of the time. I mean, all your questions are fairly answerable, but i reckon what'll answer your questions better than anything else would be to make some gay friends, may be see if anybody here is in your area? Meet up and get into conversation. Learn from scratch and you'll learn exactly how is best for you.
Blegh, i hope that makes sense!
Sunshine Lily
xxx

 

Hello,

Relax! We've all been there, and I've found some really good people in this forum. You're in good company here.

What do you do when you go to a gay bar? That's up to you. Things are usually much milder than most people expect. People drink, people dance, people flirt, people ignore each other....it's probably pretty much like any other bar.

There's no rule about who approaches whom. If you fancy a guy, smile at him and talk to him. The first time or two (or more!) that you do this, it will be scary. Sometimes a guy will approach you, but most people seem to be a bit shy. Be approachable.

Most people pay their own way. If a man offers to pay for your drink(s), it's usually a strong sign that he's interested. If you accept his offer, he may very well take it to mean that you will go home with him.

Some cities have gay bathhouses where men wander around in towels and have sex with other men. It's a very sexual atmosphere, and it's easy to get discouraged from rejection or to feel used and exploited. The men in these places are usually not interested in dating, and conversation is usually minimal. It's not something I'd recommend for a first-timer.

Many cities and towns--even some small ones--have gay organizations. It could be a discussion and support group, or it could be a church or religious group. Some cities have gay men's choirs, political groups, gay sports teams and all sorts of other possibilities. It just depends on where you are. I wouldn't suggest heavy duty hitting on someone in these situations. Lots of men go to such meetings to meet friends and lovers.

Your local gay bar might have stacks of free gay magazines and newspapers lying around, usually on top of a cigarette machine. They're generally nothing impressive, but they usually have ads or listings of gay bars and other gay businesses and organizations. It might be a smart move to pick one up.

Internet chat rooms are a possibility. Many men go online specifically to find sex partners, but there are other men who want friends and longterm relationships. You don't have to talk to a man in chat very long before you know what he's after.

Some men are only interested in a hook-up. Other men want friends and longterm relationships. As a result, there isn't as much "dating" as you might think. In fact, I was in my local gay center's discussion group just a few nights ago, and we were complaining about the lack of dating among local gay men. With dating being so uncommon, there don't seem to be any clear rules. My suggestion is to communicate as clearly as possible with a man.

Remember that lots of other men are just as clueless and nervous as you might be. Be gentle with the other man. It might be his first time too.

Quite a few gay men seem to be only interested in a hook-up, and they rarely talk about sexual histories. However, I think you're very wise to want to talk about such things. It's awkward however you do it, but if you tell a man that it's your first time, he may be more willing to talk. If you don't know about safer sex, learn!

I don't know where in the world you are, so it's impossible to point out specific places where you can meet other gay men. I'm willing to do a little research for you, so feel free to PM me and tell me where you're looking. Many of the coolest gay people I've ever known are in this forum, and so I think you've come to the right place. Welcome to the brotherhood!

 

If you're studying, your place of study may have a gay social group thingamajig?

They can be more relaxed and with a group like this (or say a gay sports club, etc) you'll have something, other than being gay, in common with the other members.

 

You might start with PlanetOut www.planetout.com. And of course, you have support from us here in the Gay Forum.

 

Thanks for the responses, everyone, it's good to feel welcome.

I live in NYC, so I know there're lots of opportunities for me. While there is a gay club on campus, I'm not ready to be out to all my casual acquaintances and friends by joining it. Perhaps I'll just go to a gay bar, have a few drinks in a quiet corner, and observe. Chances are I'll just get bored and feel ridiculous, but it beats not doing anything.

Thanks again for the advice, I really do appreciate it. Anyone can feel free to email me at ihopeyoureinsured@hotmail.com

 

Actually, you don't have to come out to EVERYBODY to join a campus gay club. Most such clubs are reasonably discreet, and no one should be forcing you to come out before you're ready. It may actually be the best place to start, and you'll make new friends who can give you tips on the bar scene and other dating possibilities.

The bar scene can be a little much for a novice, be prepared to make a few mistakes such as drinking too much and winding up in bed with something from another planet(!) If you're still in your early 20s (it sounds like you're a student over 21) and even halfway cute, be prepared for a LOT of guys trying to pick you up! This doesn't mean stay away by any means, it just means give yourself a little time to get used to what's going on there.

Anyway, best of luck to you.

 

Wait, what?!?!?!

There are barely any relationships or dating that goes on in the gay world? There goes my chances =(

 

LOL

 

I read it all, and I can't think of anything to say, but I wanted to post.

 

oh i get it! u post anyway, just to build up the numbers in ur profile. ha!

 

good idea