I'm not sure what to do in my situation. I'm 27 years old. I have been in my current relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years in October. I love him. We have lived together for the last 2 1/2 years. We have been talking about getting married next year, but he has not yet proposed (there are a lot of reasons behind this, but that has nothing to do with my problem-- he wants to marry me). We recently purchased a house together 350 miles away from both of our families to help our careers. My problem is that I am not happy in this relationship anymore. I really feel as if we are just going through the motions and I don't feel the joy or the passion I once did for us. I love him. I know that much. But I just can't feel in love with him anymore. I feel like we are just friends. Best friends, as we have been for a long time. But there is no sexual desire there at all. And I don't know if it is me or him. I want to have sex, but not necessarily with him. And it isn't as if we have ever had any problems in the bedroom, it is just that I just don't feel it for him anymore. It feels like I'm falling out of love, but I don't know if that is possible. I'm struggling with my emotions every day. I can't figure out if I am just an unhappy person and it won't matter who I am with, or if it is in fact this relationship that is causing my unhappiness. More than this I am afraid of hurting him. I do not want to break his heart. That would just kill me. Like I said I have deep feeling for this person I just don't know what is wrong. We live like roommates and half of the time we can't even agree on anything. Mostly I don't even want to spend time with him. It is sad and hard to deal with, and I really don't know what else to do. On top of all of this we just bought a house together. I just started feeling this way recently so I had no idea this was going to happen after we bought this house or I would not have bought it. Now I feel stuck and miserable. Just to give you some background info on me, I was married before, and I know what it feels like to just not want to be with someone anymore. That is why I'm wondering if it is me. I was married when I was 18, I changed a lot and got divorced when I was 20 (which was inevitable). The same sort of feelings just happened. I wanted to be with someone else. Well not someone in particular, just anyone else. I don't regret it at all it was the best/smartest thing I ever did for myself. But I just don't know in this case. I mean my boyfriend is smart, and sweet and takes care of me. He loves me with all of his heart, but he bores me to death. Thoughts?
Spend some time appart. Maby that way you will bring back the joy in the relationship. Tell him how you feel. And don't do anything if you're insicure. But again, i think that you're insicure becouse of you prewiuos marriage and you're affraid that that will happen again. I have no better advice for my experience, just take some time for yourself, make yourself miss him.
talk to him. he has ar ight to know how you feel, he deserves to know so you two can talk it out and see if theres a good starting point toi fixing it
if you are absoloutly sure you want to end things.. tell him your side. if not.. Wait because you can`t break his heart and expect things to be ok..
Styx - you are quite a ways down the line on your second serious relationship. Try couples therapy and level with each other about your relationship problems and how to improve them. You may not get another chance at a quality relationship.
Long term relationships go thru highs and lows; some people constantly search for that feeling of "falling in love" and the newness that it brings. If you feel like the passion has gone, what have you done to try to re-create it? Lets face it, when you are in a long term relationship, sometimes life, and the stressors that go along with day to day living with someone (household responsibilities, finances, TIME, work, etc..) just get in the way of that over-the-top feeling. Having just bought a house together can be a very stressful event, even though its a happy one at the same time. Have you talked to your boyfriend and explained what you are feeling? Its very possible he is feeling the same things, and just does not know how to articulate it. When feelings like this develop, they turn into the giant pink elephant in the center of the room...you both see it, but don't know how to talk about it. Couples counseling, or, if you are not willing/able to do that, sitting down and having some honest talks can work wonders.
tell him how you feel. exactly how you wrote this post. if you don't want to hurt him you must tell him now.who knows maybe he wanted to tell you the same thing.you cannot continue to torture yourself this way it will make you bitter, very bitter if you don't come clean with your feelings.good luck
Thanks for the thoughts everyone. Just to answer some questions or clarify some points: First, yes, my boyfriend and I have talked about this a few times over the last couple of months. His feelings for me have not changed and he wants to be with me. He also wants me to be genuinely happy. That is why we are holding off on the whole wedding drama. He wants me to be sure. I'm not having trouble communicating that I am not happy, I guess I just don't know what I want, so we can't work on it. Second, when I got married at 18 it wasn't because of love. I had a lot of emotional/mental problems and I pretty much forced someone to marry me who was not right for me to prove something to the world (ok, so mostly to my alcoholic abusive father, and self-centered mother who believes women are nothing without men and should be their slaves). I was the one who filed for divorce. I wanted out and away from him, he was basically a loser and was holding me back from my full potential. I basically just told him one day that he was not the right person for me and that I needed to be with other people (intelligent people mostly). He didn't understand (not that I would expect him to; he was slow). In any event, that is what happened in a nutshell. So I'm not insecure about my past marriage, mostly it was a joke. I told people on my wedding day that I'd be getting divorced. Yeah, I'm a cold bitch. Anyway, I started spending much time away from home. Going on LONG LONG walks just to be away from him because I couldn't stand to look at him or deal with him. I started daydreaming a lot about what my future could hold without him (having to support him and take care of him and basically throw my life away for him). I dreamt of going to college (which I did) and of meeting people on my intellectual level (which I did). I dreamt of some sort idea of happiness. I saw myself as a different person. Which I eventually became. But in the middle of all of that after I told him I didn't want to be with him and I packed up and moved (to the living room- I couldn't afford to give up MY apartment that I was paying the rent on) I cheated on him. And I don't regret it to this day. It opened my eyes to the fact that I don't have to settle. Now I'm not sure if it would be cheating or not because I told him upfront what I was doing, I told him I was seeing other people and that he was free to do the same. He just chose not to. Anyway, what all of that has to do with now, is that I'm having the same sorts of feelings, but now I have conflicting feelings. My current boyfriend is smart and witty and funny and well educated. He bought me a house for crying out loud. He is a great catch and I should be happy with him. I was happy. I don't even know what changed. I guess we are just too comfortable now. I know married people have the 7 year itch thing, and I was thinking perhaps that applies to us at this point. And the difference now is that I do love this person and care very much about him and I could make a future with him, I just don't know if it would be the right future. Plus, on top of all of this I have learned some things about myself. I have changed. I honestly do not believe that people are naturally supposed to be monogamous. I believe that it is possible to force yourself to be, but I don't feel that it is natural. I think that there are many people out there whom one could fall in love with at a particular time in life and they are brought to us for a reason. To learn and to grow within ourselves, and hopefully have an impact on others. So that is basically what I am struggling with now. I can't figure out if I should disregard what I believe to be true (that there are other people out there for me to experience life with) and force myself to stay with this person and lead a mediocre life, or if I should get out of this relationship and start new. I keep thinking of what it would be like to find someone new and start fresh, but then I keep thinking that I would miss my boyfriend and some of the things that he does and says. What complicates it further is how long we have been together. Our lives are completey intertwined. I mean we don't really share money, but we do share the responsibility of bills, and all of our "things" are commingled. It would be hard to separate. And it would honestly break my heart to lose this person or to see him in pain. That is why I am thinking that the problem is with me. Maybe I will always go through this cycle. Then I think, well what is wrong with this cycle, maybe this part of your life has just run it's course and now you need to move on to the next chapter. I just don't know. It is confusing and frustrating and I just feel like crying all of the time because I can't just figure this out. I just feel like I want more out of life than this. I look at other couples and I can't tell if they are really happy or just blissfully unaware.
I really can't help you with what is "wrong" with you,I just want to tell you that you are not the only one with this kind of problem.I've ended two relationships for the same reason,I just stopped being happy and wanted to be with someone else.Now I'm going through the same thing;should I leave him,maybe if I give it a little time the feeling will come around,I don't want to hurt him,bla bla bla,but the fact is I'm bored to death!Anyway... I don't believe that happy couples are unaware,I just think they find safety in boredom and that makes them happy.If you are not one of them,you just have to decide if you are willing to take the risk of leaving someone you love for persuing your own happiness. Good luck to you,I think you are a very strong person and everything is going to work out just fine.Spend some time alone,see how you feel and if you still want out,just do it.His pain wont last forever and it can't be worse than the miserable future you'll be giving him if you stay with him feeling the way you do now. It takes two baby!
I've thought along the same lines as you. And just wanted to tell you that you're a very intelligent person and I wish you well in figuring out your life. Life is cyclical, I don't have answers, you have to figure out what to do, but whatever it is, I hope you're happier. Best of luck to ya, peace!
I think this states it perfect. The lovey dovey feelings do not last forever no matter who you are with. You have to switch up every couples of years to keep that. This is eventually what ALL longterm relationships become. Some chase new lives and husbands/wives while others push through the highs and lows. That is what true love is, being there for someone even though the happy tingles are gone. How important are those happy tingles? You have to answer that but be sure they will die down with the next one as well. You made a pledge to spend your life with this man, to me that means baring abuse, addiction, cheating and the like, you should try and work through it. Communication can start to make it better. In life everything is just really how you choose to look at it.
