Truly and whole heatedly read this without prejudice or bashing me. I am speaking from the deepest crevice of my used to be heart. So I have took quite the excursions into the psychedelic realms where ego is a thing of the past, and where my current reality seizes to exist. While on those journeys though, I sometimes run into roadblocks. One night while on an eighth of mushrooms, and just arriving at my friends house who was having a party that I sort-of half-assed at the last minute, but it was for a friend of mine who recently got back from the military. We all were having fun, and the alcohol consumption never stopped that day, from 10 am until 10 pm when I last recalled, the booze was flowing, and by then the mushrooms had set in. We were having weird conversations around the fire, when my friend from the army called me out, saying that he is worried about my current condition and the fact that he saw me barely able to walk at lunch time. I understood his concern, but I was just the pathetic alcoholic at the time, only finding comfort a few sips into some pleasant alcohol. But he wasn't done with me, he soon started attacking me it felt like, it felt like he was shaking my whole damn world up, telling me that my parents are probably worried sick and saying that my so-called "friends" there really don't care if I stay drunk forever, they don't care about my greater well-being and they were only there for my sharing of my necessary liquids. I took this really hard, and felt like he really didn't know what he was talking about, and blew up on him, saying things I never would have said in my right mind, but it all seemed right and made sense for me to just tell him to fuck off, and argue with him about it. Truthfully though, all my friends there knew of my problem, they wanted me to be happy when sober, and wanted to know me again like they used to. I could sense so much tension, desire to help, helplessness, fear, an overall peace that I was told and notified/realized my problem. I will be honest and say that I am glad it happened, and I am glad to say that I am 100 percent able to control urges to drink these days, rarely even giving alcohol the pleasure of driving me again. But, that night when I was in the unknown, being bashed, being bashed when I really, wasn't there, it could of fucked with me. I lost myself that night, I lost my pride, I lost my motives, I lost my personality. It's as if when my ego had died, so did I, and since in my consciousness I was being attacked, I think it fleed for good. No lie, I just feel that this world is empty to me, shallow and not offering a hand for help. IF YOU TOOK TIME TO READ THIS. PLEASE TELL ME SOMETHING COMFORTING. I am seriously thinking that those rare cases when an unknown mental disorder arises from taking psychedelics happened to me. It's like it's all so much deeper than I can handle.
You felt like this before the mushroom experience, that's why you were an alcoholic. Your army friend chose bad timing to give you a lecture on your life, but maybe it was the best timing. What kind of helping hand are you looking for from the world? This post is but one being offered to you. I wonder what else you are not noticing around you Why exactly do you think you have a mental disorder after these mushrooms? Because of these feelings of despair? From reading your post, it sounds like that has everything to do with who you are, and what your friend brought into the light that night, and virtually nothing to do with psychedelics, other than they opened your mind and made you more vulnerable to true criticism. Now you are in the death throws of your old self. It hurts. It is barren, and rotting. There is no hope here. Give birth to the new you. If you wish, enter the psychedelic experience again, with good intent. You haven't given up completely, or you wouldn't be posting here, you'd be ending your life. So some part of you still wants to be ok. This is all that matters. You are on a path of healing now, don't be stunned silent by the ghastly fluids and scars and smells that emanate from your illness. They will be there for some time, but they too shall pass. Now comes the work! Health work. One day you'll see it was play, but for now it can be your work. You've gotta FIGHT. for your RIGHT. to PARTY. ime.
thanks for the insight writer, i do feel you are right about it being my feelings before this, maybe i just really feel some true to desire to really make things right again. it just is so weird, i thought alcohol was bringing me fun and that i was going to be some awesome drinker forever(i was a dumb 16 y.o) and so i just let all my old connections and friends go. it was a bad time for him to do this as well. it really hurt me to see my friends around see me like that, especially since the mushrooms just intensified it all, i couldn't help but tear up and just try to say something, but I couldn't put into words the true feelings. but orison, my friend was home on dismissal if I remember correct. And i really do feel like all the drugs i have done has made me who i am, good and bad. i have social anxiety and it seem to come after i used psychedelics and dissociatives, i just felt like other people are mean, not really what they seem to be, just really weird vibes that i have felt forever just got so monumental in my psyhe and thinking at that time.
Take a moment and look inside yourself and find that place that remains untouched by the world. You will recognize a familiar face, one that is with you in all of your hardships. That one is the innocent truth about you.
i just need some assurance that the world isn't so crappy sometimes i guess. i dont know what it is lately but things just seem trivial. and i really still am on the search for what happened to my mind. i no lie, just feel so different after psychedelics, i love them, but... something inside me has changed. and yeah, i guess overdoing psychedelics is bad sometimes, but damn they just feel so right.
Your army friend really cares about you. I dont think you would have truely heard him if you were not on mushrooms. Be grateful man, I went through the same thing three years ago. Had a selfish pill problemo, one day on a high dose, my friends layed it on me with tears. Rocked me so profoundly and probably saved my life.
I totally feel for you! I have had these same feelings and no one to help me through them. When something that deep and emotional happens on very spiritual psychedelics it really hits you hard and you are left the next day, maybe weeks or months very confused on why you were placed on this planet and why everything happens in your life. Some good, some bad. Trust me, I call them "life's shit bombs". I get those canon ball sized shit balls it seems weekly, very rarely monthly. All you can do is remember that it is all for the cause, the cause of your life. I believe everything happens for a reason, although somethings are really fucked up, they are really just making you a stronger person. The fact that you stopped drinking says that you do want to change for the better, and that is step one. Start doing things that made you happy before you started drinking, and stopped doing when you started drinking. Start meditating and catagorizing your thoughts in your deep concious and they will direct you in the right path. When I am very confused about life I like to spend time in nature, alone and quiet and I learn alot every time I do. I hope some of this helps you.
honestly you all listening and taking the time to put down meaningful thoughts just helps me. i am trying to make right what i have done wrong, but it is a long time coming. my parents have been affected by my careless attitude. i try to make it up to them the most, once i find their love and acceptance again i think it will help me be able to traverse the social passage. i have made a mends with my friend, and he and i are closer than ever, it's funny though, because i now don't drink, but he is usually getting drunk, and talks about urges to drink alot more than alot of people i know. but whatever, maybe he can take some mushrooms sometime and i can tell him to step back, and look it his silly choices too.
alcohol is no bueno you are reborn all you can do is try and do better this time around, uplift yourself and uplift other people
Don't think he was bullshitting it at all. A lot of people you share your time doing drugs with aren't going to care whether you stop or not, so I think you should really be thankful of the fact that you have a friend who actually is looking out for your life in general.
