If freedom were possible: Into the future I clearly see we are held in chains, when we should be free captive by people at the top of the political hierarchy we sit and watch opera, in a plea for sanity Putting on tanning lotion to soak the vitamin D trying to look more like the person you want to be idolizing those people pretending to be you and me the same celebrities who hide behind a TV If they want to be you and you want to be me and it circulates for eternity, when will anyone see that loving ourselves first, is the only guarantee for the proletariat to destroy the bourgeoisie before they make us all become an enlistee or sentence us to life as a parolee we must stand for our rights and fight for anarchy shatter the system which holds the master key this is knowledge beyond a college degree they are not even allowed to teach this in philosophy they let us die for money and bury us in the cemetery do you want to endure a system which makes us crazy wouldn’t you rather live in complete harmony In a hammock between two palm trees looking out at the vast open sea complete peace, no need for the L.A.P.D this system has made people walk around so blindly their eyes have been cast shut from their own vanity my job is to open them, A.S.A.P.
I like the flow and I felt you hit a good message. However, I can not help thinking that this topic has been done, and in the same way, over and over before. There are a new ways to get this message across and I felt you did it in a cliché manner. Well written though. I would try to rewrite these points to get the same message across more specifically and use other phrases and passages that will connect directly to the reader in profound ways, as this piece did not. It all has been said before and you just regurgitated over done material that every teen with angst feels. Not bad though. Keep it up.
I do feel it is cliche but what isn't cliche if you think about it... We are just collections of our past and future. What we have seen and experienced. I can only write on what i know and how i feel. If thats all i know thats all i can write. unique is a deceiving word...hardly anything these days is actually unique. I could pick apart any poem on this forum besides the ones that are completely off the wall and tell people that i have read something similar before. The more you read the more you know..the more you realize everything is a reverberation of somebody else's thoughts.
True, well enough. But I know there are better and more 'unique' ways to say these over used word combos. If that's all you know then fine, I'm just saying that there are more engaging and stark ways to say what you said in a less cliche manner. don't take offense, it was still a decent drop. It's called feedback, and maybe you can keep what I said in mind. How long did it take you to write this ?
Ill admit i didn't take longer than ten minutes on this poem. I really take your advice to heart. I am working on changing up my style of poems...that was my first poem in that style. Im working on incorporating different style and expanding my vocabulary in my poems without making it sounding forced. Ill show you the revised version its still cliche though. Its just a few changes but ill show you a couple of my older poems you may not find a little more unique and specific to me. Into the future I clearly see we are held in chains, when we should be free captive by people at the top of the political hierarchy We sit and watch opera, in a plea for sanity Putting on tanning lotion to soak the vitamin D trying to look more like the person you want to be idolizing those people pretending to be you and me the same celebrities who hide behind a TV If they want to be you and you want to be me and it circulates for eternity, when will anyone see that loving ourselves first, is the only guarantee for the proletariat to destroy the bourgeoisie before they make us all become an enlistee or sentence us to life as a parolee we must stand for our rights and fight for anarchy shatter the system which holds the master key this is knowledge beyond a college degree they are not even allowed to teach this in philosophy I'd rather die than live solely for money the system eventually makes us all crazy wouldn’t you rather live in complete harmony In a hammock between two palm trees looking out at the vast open sea complete peace, no need for the L.S.P.D eyelids have been sautered shut; so tightly my job is to open them, A.S.A.P. Grandparents: In a quant brown home a time capsule of memories were once made each piece played a vital role in the structure of my soul in small open rooms the children all played while grandma diligently made us some lemonade I yearned to embrace these moments, so pure secretly revealing they had a cure an ideology that faded with the “silent” generation to never resurface at the forefront of our nation I speak of a couple that crafted their own empire utilizing love and hope to expose selfish desire I never heard him curse not even at his own shadow the thought still anchors pride and pain in a bottle Pride knowing none of it was in vain followed by pain sprouted from a seed from my mind telling me he the last of a dying breed. Round and round: Sucking life down to the filter cursing the air from which we built her Golds in the summer and Royals in the winter One step after the next this life is too complex millions of people viewing it all through a peephole Intangible: Waking up to find its all gone trying to find peace in everything that is wrong making one comfortable in it’s skin but once the bag has been licked he wants to swim into oblivion He lies their all weak and the only one that is left; is him him and this craving that wont let him be It digs caverns in his stomach and hides demons in cells their once was sun and love but a drug, tormented this dove everyday is a struggle everyday is a mission it’s like going fishing for your last meal just to find this fish was devoured by a seal. He learned one hard lesson from what has been done a person is as sick as their secrets and these secrets ride with hell all the way to it’s dungeons with flaming spiral stairwells.
Ok, before I read your above posted drafts I want to say this. First fuck off for not taking serious my advice,...haha joking. But I do want to say this. The OP poem sound more like a common persons rant against the world. To say that we all have this angle and you presented it to the lowest common denominator--this is for the masses. It's your feelings I can tell. Thats why I thought it cliche. Now you can make it more in depth and focused around examples that lead to the original poems message and it will leave a image in the mind that will carry over after I exit this thread.
